Why have I lived this long....

I never wanted or thought I would ever live this long. I used to have this feeling like I should have died years ago, it never happened. I am so tired, I feel like my life is just a dream that I half remember. I get up in the morning, earlier than needed, usually with a bad headache and very little sleep. I struggle to get my self up and ready to go to work, struggle through the day remembering what I need to do, come home and a few hours later I struggle to go to sleep and the cycle starts over once again.

Like now I sit here struggling to type something when I should be in bed sleeping so I can wake up for work in the morning. But I couldn't sleep and I have nothing to say. At least nothing I can say on these forums.

The realization of who I truly am has always scared me. I have tried to hide from it or pretend it didn't exist but none of it works. I start to realize who I am and it makes no sense that I am alive or should be.

But now, I will try and go to sleep, hope I don't wake up, but will and start the cycle all over again in the morning...

You deserve to live.

((((hugs)))))

we care

Life has always felt like a punishment to me...

I am sorry this is the case.
Do you work with a therapist?


WC

Did you cause this torture? I doubt it so no need to be sorry. Not sure if you mean do I work with a therapist or am seeing a therapist. Either way I do not. I couldn't be helped anyway. Issues for me are physical and financial.

You may not believe this because we are few and far between, even on this board, but I am the same, at least to the extent you have described it. I offer no encouraging words, just empathy. May we rest in peace.

Yeah it's crazy how so many people have nearly everything anyone could need and then some. But for me things just keep getting worse, like today...

On my way to the new job I got a couple weeks ago, my car decided to overheat. My car already needs about $1000 or so of work and that's with getting parts cheaper and having my friend who owns a shop do the work.

Researching the issue it looks like it will be another $500+. The other problem is the only way for me to get to work is using uber/lyft. Which will be over $20+ each way. And of course I do not have the money to get it done. Which means I am stuck trying to milk this car to work and home everyday until I can get this problem fixed.

I understand it's a used car and it is going to need work but, really though it has to happen all at one time? One of the things can be postponed for as long as needed it's not a vital part, just annoying that it's broken.

Life needs to end soon...

Oh yeah not to mention the township is coming to inspect the apartments in our complex and somehow I have to clean my bomb of a room with only about 4 hours of time to do it before they come in a couple of days.

((((hugs)))) sending you support.

So so tired today, more than usual. This new job is wearing me out and I just can't keep up. I also found out today that if the store I work at makes it's monthly goal we make a bonus which is a certain amount of money per hour you work. Ok that's fine and nice to get. But when a driver makes more in the bonus than I did and they worked less hours, I have an issue, so that was brought up to my manager and hr today, I was told they would get back to me. In other words screw off, we'll hope you'll forget about it and we won't have to pay you or make up an excuse.

Then of course when I have money being saved up for something I want, I lose it all to something stupid. Like when I had a good reliable vehicle and had saved enough money for something, some idiot decides I would be better off having to pay for a used vehicle because he panicked at a traffic light.

Now it's my current vehicle which has a bunch of minor issues that turned into a major one. I am not against a vehicle having issues but after all this time, why now, when I am getting closer to something?

It shows the luck I have and how I can not have anything I want or need...