[MtnTime2896]

I need to confess something.

So, currently my Rx's are Wellbutrin 300mg and Abilify 10mg. It was becoming pretty effective. My feelings have been very suppressed it feels like, and I'm not going to really complain about that. My hallucinations became very minimal and my paranoia was under control. Yes, I used past tense on that last sentence. It's not that I stopped taking the medication, trust me I haven't. I know what's making my symptoms come back. Things were getting boring, I felt so damn alone and I'm honestly self destructive lately. Anyway, smoking weed can cause my antipsychotic to become irrelevant, I guess.

Yesterday the hallucinations became scary. Before they were either just there or entertaining. Last night was just.... I made myself go to bed after a while because I was finally tired enough. I haven't slept well tonight, though. My night's been full of nightmares and waking up off and on. After two hours I start sleeping very, very light (even more so than when I just fell asleep). After four hours I'm usually up for the night. This past night I made it a collective total of 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I don't necessarily feel tired either, but I know I will later today.

The nightmares have been back since they took me off prazosin (my blood pressure was becoming too low for comfort), but last night I firmly believe that my hallucinations had a direct effect on them. I know I did this to myself and I'm really not complaining about any of it (save the nightmares, I hate those). When I hallucinate, I feel like there's more to life, you know? Like there's paranormal, higher powers, magic, armies, sometimes magic armies. My point is that I feel a sense of importance and I never feel so alone, you know? It's like all of these things are happening around me and it's so much and it can be absolutely terrifying, but I feel like it's just comfortable. I've been dealing with hallucinations for so long now, how do I live without them?

I'm realizing that this post is probably getting a little long and is less of a confession and more of an excuses section. I know I need to focus on my recovery and if that means no weed for me, then I shouldn't even touch the stuff. I know all of this, but I just... don't care, I guess. I don't think I deserve to get "better". I think I know what I deserve, and that's misery. I don't deserve to live a normal life and I don't deserve to feel as though I'm "better". I should still be depressed as all hell (who knows, I still might be), and I should have to live within a conscious nightmare.

This became more rambling than a confession. I guess the only other confession I have, I'm really not proud of.

SH trigger

Possible trigger:

I started hurting myself again. I bought the blades the other day and a voice (one that's never gone away) pushed me until I did it. I deserve it because I did a bad thing. A very bad thing. And I'll always need punishment for it.

[Fuzzybear]