[octobahn]

Hey all. I haven't logged in to even lurk for a while now.

I don't know the clinical terms for what I perceive are wrong with me so pardon my ignorance. Certainly I'm mostly anti-social, I have a very small group of people I actually call friends; everyone else (including some family) are acquaintances at best and I tolerate them more than enjoy their company. I lack empathy in response to negative events with people around me (for the most part); some of that probably stems from the fact I see most people are "sheep". Their values and priorities are so out-of-whack they deserve much of what happens to them. I don't bother to make the effort to try and sustain or improve many of the "flighty" relationships I have. In most instances, I could care less what befalls them; and sadly, I take some enjoyment in hearing about their personal trials. Yes, some of it is serious, but let's face it, much of it are first-world-problems. The balance to this is, I am concerned to some level about an individual, but the general populace means very little to me. I know, I know. Some of what I've said are in constant conflict.

I do not know how severe it may be, but I do have bouts of depression. From readings, I've concluded it to be likely mild. I think much of it comes from feeling trapped in a lifestyle that can't be changed. I harbor some resentment in having to maintain this lifestyle simply because others rely on me to do so. I see no end to it. Suicide has crossed my mind of course. Those thoughts don't consume me however and are not in the forefront. What does stick is this looming thought that I likely will not die a natural death; it likely will be at my own hands at some point down the road. In some strange way, I welcome it, but not at the moment. I tend to over-think and over-analyze events and situations, which causes a bit of anxiety; to the point where I've had problems falling asleep. I truly believe I'll continue to slide deeper into the depression abyss, but for now, it's still manageable in my daily life. I'm not quite at the point where I feel like I need to seek help. I've not mentioned anything to anyone about any of what I've written here. Most seem to think that I'm just not the social type and kind of a ****. Can't say I disagree with them.

Anyhoo, just writing out my thoughts. This may be a good outlet for me as I don't keep a journal. Please don't feel like you need to respond with any words of encouragement.

I think we're going to the mall today ... Yay!

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts...

[Fuzzybear]