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  #1  
Old Oct 21, 2018, 11:27 AM
sinking sinking is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,711
i've been patient, way too patient, but i've always kept going. during time (10+ years) i learned always new (unhealthy) ways to cope and i sort of managed to keep going.

now im done. there's no way out. because i want it but what i mean is that there is no way to lead me there.
i want to buy a place on my own to be free to commit sui if i want it.
but then i need money and for that i need a job.
i finally, after years, do have a job and i am in the middle of buying a flat.
i should be able to live at the flat in 1-2 months.
but my job is killing me, i hate it and i dont know how long i can resist anymore.

while there, (1.5 years) i've used all coping techniques i knew to keep myself together and go on. now they wont accept them anymore. they found it all out and then they wont keep me at my job and i wont have the flat.

how can i resist for 2 or more months? 1 hour is too much already.
i'm drained and cant feel even a little bit of energy in me anymore. to do the job, to pretend, to not use the coping techniques… to keep going.

what can i do? i dread my job, i dread waking up every day.
and what am i doing all of this if the plan is to die anyway? i just want a place to do it, not at my parents' house. just that… because im SO tired of everything. everything.

im left so resourceless. please, someone help me keep going until im ready to let it go...

Last edited by sinking; Oct 21, 2018 at 12:18 PM.
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  #2  
Old Oct 21, 2018, 12:36 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,641
((((((((( hugs )))))))))
I wish I had some wise words.. I can offer hugs
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Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky, sinking
  #3  
Old Oct 21, 2018, 05:33 PM
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MtnTime2896 MtnTime2896 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,282
I have no words, but I can hear you out and listen. PM me anytime, or write on here. I'll keep reading and supporting you, and if I have advice or something I'll share it. I'm sorry you're hurting like this.
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"Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity."
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MickeyCheeky
  #4  
Old Oct 22, 2018, 03:39 AM
sinking sinking is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,711
My job is killing me anyway. I HATE it
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  #5  
Old Oct 22, 2018, 04:17 AM
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MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817
Remember that this job doesn't have to be your final job forever. You can still keep looking and hoping for another, better job. In the meantime, just try to resist a little longer, it seems like you're so close to buying that flat... I'm so sorry you're suffering.
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  #6  
Old Oct 22, 2018, 06:08 AM
sinking sinking is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,711
Thank you, but every single minute is torture working in a call center. Im tired of talking and listening and being focused 100% all the time. I need something more relaxing, andbit started like that but then it all went wrong and i ended up here. I hate this.
One more month, one more week, one more day, one more hour, one more minute. Im exhausted
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  #7  
Old Oct 22, 2018, 12:03 PM
sinking sinking is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,711
Im back to SH and pills. who cares? i cant do it without some help
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