[Rose76]

I just had a bad episode of falling apart. I took 10 mg of hydrocodone, and I feel better.

My bf and I have not been getting along lately. Wed. nite we exchanged some nasty remarks. I am seriously thinking about bowing out of being responsible for caring for him.

I've put up threads before when I was feeling stressed out by the situation I'm in. I've heard from others who've been primary caregivers. I've been encouraged to do what I need to do to care for myself. I guess I don't really need advice. I know my options and my rights. I'm kind of shocked at my current state of mind.

It's usually a good thing to avoid "black or white" thinking. My relationship with this man has never been great. But it's certainly enriched my life at times. He's got endearing qualities, and he's got some major character deficits. I can be a piece of work myself. I suspect it was kind of good that we found each other. Things as they are just are not working for me. I feel like I'm in a psychological crisis and have to change my situation. An hour ago. I was feeling like I wished I was dead.

Rationally thinking, I know there are other options besides just continuing what I've been doing or jumping off a cliff. He can go to a nursing home, either temporarily or permanently. Since he's poor, he would be a Medicaid patient. That eliminates some facilities - the nicer ones. So he gets his pick from amongst what I call "the crapholes." I had thought I couldn't bear to see him in one of those. Now, suddenly, I find it harder to bear seeing myself continuing as I am. I feel so awfully miserable.

The weird thing is that I suddenly feel like I don't care that much what happens to him. This is where I feel like I got to watch out against thinking in extremes. I guess the choice doesn't have to be between being a martyr, on one hand, and being an uncaring, cold witch, on the other. It had seemed to me that loving him meant protecting him from anything and everything that wasn't all that I would want for him. Well, maybe he'll have to deal with some hard reality. Lots of decent people - who've worked hard and led responsible lives - find themselves spending their last days in nursing facilities that aren't the greatest. Nothing in the way he has conducted his life entitles him to the kind of special attention that is usually only available to the rich, or to those who have earned the deepest devotion of a very loving family. If our positions were reversed, I sure don't think he would be doing for me what I've been doing for him.

So I'm thinking of asking his VA social worker to help me start the process of getting him admitted to a nursing home. A home attendant comes for about 34 hours a week. That leaves 134 hours a week that I care for him. I feel like it's just too much of a commitment. This has gone on for so long. At times, it has felt like a "labor of love." Now it feels like I'm serving a sentence.

I had feared that I would be terribly lonely without him here with me. Now I think it would be a relief to be away from him. This might be a bunch of mental confusion coming out of our recent squabbling. It feels like all the warmth I felt for him has just drained out of me. In a way, I feel like I'm losing my mind and just don't want to have to cope with anything challenging - like I just want to be free of responsibility.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad you're taking this important decision. I don't have a lot of advice to give you that you don't already know. I wish you good luck with everything that'll follow...

[luvyrself]

The main thing is that things will get more draining, not less. And who is going to take care of you?
I face similar issues.

[Rose76]

Thanks Mickey. I think you may have been following the saga of my life as a caregiver. I keep having tailspins, and I had a bad one last night. I know this will happen again and again.

Thanks luv. Maybe that's why last night felt worse than previous meltdowns. His needs just multiply as time goes by. Now his borderline diabetes has become full blown. So I'm supposed to be checking blood sugars 4X a day, give insulin multiple times daily and radically change his diet. The attendant can't inject insulin.

There is literally no one to take care of me.