confused

I don't really know if I belong on these forums, I'm not diagnosed with depression

I'm really just wondering if I'm just being silly, or overstressed or something, or if there's something more going on.

The first thing that brought me here was that in the week September 21 I freaked out about a few things.. around that time. At one point I was in my room, and I was shaking because I was upset. Mostly though i've just been sad. I'm not enjoying things at all anymore, many of which I really used to. I don't feel like talking to anyone.
I can be a shy person too... I normally don't talk to people they talk to me. I've thought a lot especially about my career choice and perhaps thats a main issue. I play the cello, go to college, and am now 19 years old. I've never considered myself a "good" cellist although I've gotten into a top school and should be happy, because my teacher is great and I'm learning a lot. I dont really like hte way I sound; that is a source of frustration and I almost want to stop fighting it. But besides cello, I'm not really having fun here. Activities I used to enjoy now just bore me, but I dont feel like doing anything else either. I feel run down a lot, despite the fact that unlike many students here I generally get at least 7 hours of sleep.

This morning I woke up, got over to the practice rooms, hit a pathetic 25 minutes in there. I went back to my room because I felt like crying, as I often have lately, but as always I didn't cry. I ended up sleeping through the morning ( and this mornings class) because I just couldn't get myself to go. I should not have been tired because I got 7 hours of sleep AND just had vacation.

It could be just that I'm lonely at times, or that I'm discouraged by some aspects of school, but I've been feeling disinterested and a dull sadness for at least 2 months now, before that wasn't that great either.
Advice of any kind?
I'm sorry this post is really confusing.

It sounds like depression to me. Does your school have any kind of counseling available?

Cyran0

i agree with Cyrano... sometimes stuff builds up, a thing that happened in the past could only now be pressuring to the surface... combined with other events, not processed completely, and one morning you wake up feeling strangely but there seems to be no logical explanation...

with help you can sort through the dark waves and get to the center... someone like a therapist can better help you find out more exactly what it is...

but you're more than welcome to seek advice here as well.. a lot of us understand... don't isolate... reach out.. there are real good people available and they care...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You may want to consider seeing someone that can help you more directly. Please keep posting too so we can add to your support.

BB

thanks for responding everyone

I think there is counseling available here at school, but I've never felt comfortable approaching that kind of resource. I don't think if I went I would even really want to talk anyways. Knowing me I'd probably just make up an excuse and leave the session or avoid the issue.
I know that's probably a bad thing, I just don't open up to anyone really.
Any ideas other than therapy in case I hit a rut or stress out again? This really might not be depression or anything but, I'm sure some of the coping mechanisms to deal with depression and the other possible causes are similar..

On a good note feeling better today - made myself wake up and do schoolwork/class/basically keeping busy even though didn't completely feel like it.

turquoise glad its getting better!
do have leisure time to read? try the self-help section at the library/bookstore/thrift store .... lots of good stuff there, find something that seems to suit you and spend time on it... some require exercises (never liked doing them), but just reading helps...

learn mediation/yoga?

try to eat/sleep correctly ... play too... share with friends how you feel is the best sometimes... i've gotten my best help there...

take care ...

It was very hard for me at 19 being at college too. I don't know that you have to necessarily do counseling but you should probably go to your family doc and get a physical, blood test, the whole thing. There might be some physical reasons you're feeling so depressed and run-down. I know I wasn't eating right, etc. often.

I went to my college counseling center and it was all right; not great, didn't solve any problems but got me "use to" talking to someone and was a support of sorts and something else to "think about".

Even if you don't become a cellist, other things could "happen" for you yet. You don't have any acquaintances from your classes, other people in any musical groups you could hang out with and get to know? I wanted to be a cello (not a cellist, the actual instrument :-) in Henry Mancini's orchestra back around when I was 19 but I never learned to play an instrument. I had musical "aptitude" and gave myself clarinet lessons when I was around 35 years old :-) but my teacher went away in the middle and I was too shy, since it was one-on-one and didn't work at it, practice, etc.

I don't know what I would tell my 19 year old self if I could be her again with what I know now? I was very sad, lonely, confused, shy and a general all around mess but now I've turned out wonderfully LOL. I guess I'd tell myself to do the best I could and that "everything will be all right". If I could have felt "safer" and that everything would come out all right (which is generally does) then I might have relaxed more and looked around me to see what I could see. But I was so intent on keeping my head down, and trying to please my stepmother instead of myself, and generally being afraid of my shadow. I'd work to make friends with myself and start enjoying myself, my sense of humor and good, common sense and judgement, wit and ability to write and my curiosity and imagination. There's lots of things at 19 that I didn't understand or see how they were of any use and I didn't give any credit to the whole "process" of growing up. I just "was" and it didn't add up to much yet but I didn't realize that was okay and because I hadn't finished my "warmup" and practicing my scales.

That's what I'd do, if I were 19 again; I'd start reading fiction; fantasy and teen fiction that appealed to me; Peter S. Beagle, Madelaine L'Engle, Elizabeth Goudge, Lloyd Alexander, etc.

I'd start with the trilogy I just finished, Garth Nix's The Abhorsen Trilogy. And I'll always remember the last words of advice my T gave me before we terminated; "just keep putting one foot in front of the other."