[KR2018]

My spiritual frustrations…What I find particularly annoying and frustrating about all these media popular spiritual teachers and self proclaimed enlightened ones sermonizing to us about divinity and higher consciousness is, well several things. They seem to never, or at least not that I’ve read or heard, never ever fickin’ explain to us what about the destructive, horrible, grotesque, perverted, expressions of the human mind??? Explain the real gory details of the human mind, and it’s resulting behaviors to us. What about that? Most often, to me, it seems like they are trying to get us hooked on this ideal of hope, salvation, and inspire us with wise ancient quotes and clever spiritual adages. That’s great and all, but you know what, you're not really helping humanity as much as you claim to be. You’re more often Than not making us feel like we are failing at our spirituality. That we’re not doing it right, that we don’t see the truth, and we need you to help us practice more of what you’re selling us. Your insights are not getting to the core of what we really struggle with. Tell us, oh wise and self proclaimed enlightened ones, why there needs to be people like Hitlor? explain that? No, no, I mean REALLY explain that? Don’t just tell me, “it’s the evolution of the collective human consciousness.” Or, “Everything happens for a reason.” Really, that’s all you got???
So, they tell us the creator had to make human beings so horribly cruel, evil, and capable of causing such despicable, horrendous suffering to each other, and all sentient beings, because this is the way of the evolution of a higher consciousness? do humans really have to be capable of such deplorable things? And, by the way, not all of us humans are capable of creating such horrors. So, it definitely doesn’t seem to have to be a necessity for the evolution of life’s collective consciousness. So, why is the pit of hateful, disturbing thoughts and behaviors so gruesomely low? Why couldn’t the worst of human kind be only capable of…let’s Quite optimistically say, simple arguments, and, well okay, also some physical fights. But, I ask, is rape, molestation, verbal and physical abuse of an innocent child really necessary for life’s evolution of consciousness? Is it really necessary that a young boy get beaten, told that he is a rotten sinner, tied down and raped repeatedly by adult males that are so called “religious men”? Is it really necessary for our human evolution of consciousness that a young girl have parents that extinguish cigarettes on her arms and legs, beat her with electrical cords, tell her she is worthless, should have never been born, rarely provide any food for her, and use her to deliver the illegal drugs they are selling? You spiritual teachers are claiming to know that There really is no other way the creator could have created us? And, you’re explaining it away with, “Everything is god, so if it exists in the world it is part of the creators perfection.” Just as cats aren’t capable of speaking with language like humans are, they have a limitation, so why can’t we have limitations making us incapable of such extreme horrors? And, if we are evolving like you claim why do we keep going through the same traumas over and over?
We can use your surface level explanations to explain away anything, but it just doesn’t sit right, and is not satisfying to the soul. These all encompassing, many times watered downed spiritually packaged pontifications seem to be an effective way to get the many of us that have experienced significant suffering in this life hooked on your propaganda of enlightenment. It’s your avowed spiritual awakening that has blessed you with this rare fortunate perspective of this life, that is in reality, not practicable for most of us. Often times it’s those of us that have been enduring severe suffering who are often determined in our searching for something more; something, anything, that may bring our minds some sense of peace, understanding, love, and an ability to function again. So please, if you actually can, REALLY explain why life has to have such horror and hatred? Sell me that frickin’ wisdom and I’ll really pay attention to you!
Please, Stop promoting this fantasy that “transcendence beyond the Ego will set you free”, “our true nature is unconditional love, oneness with the universe, God, peace, compassion, bliss, and joy”, “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” “suffering is caused by attachment” “suffering is the same as pleasure”, “you are not your thoughts or your emotions.” “we all have Buddha nature”, and “all humans are capable of enlightenment.” Please! You know you are lying to us! That is scientifically, and simply, not true, that we are all capable of the same spiritual evolution. Have any one of you enlightened preachers ever counseled, taught, or worked with humans that are like hitler? Or, who have a lifetime of violent behaviors and have spent most their life in prison, or those who have brain damage or one of the man types of cognitive impairments, or have a genetic, pathological brain or mental illness? If you have worked with these people, like I have, you would be honest with the rest of humanity and say, “Actually, there are some humans that in this life time will very likely never experience their “Buddha nature”, or be capable of getting anywhere near an enlightened state. There are humans that are so impacted and limited by their genetics, and/or environmental, and/or traumas, and will never have the cognitive ability to achieve compassion for other sentient beings. That is reality. Just like I can’t sprout wings, jump and fly off a building, because you know what, genetically I’m not a bird!
Please do us all a real service to humanity, if you do truly care as you claim to, and Stop glossing over the really hard and disturbing issues humans deal with. We can all, to a certain extent, explain life’s horribleness away with our own contrived or learned conjecture. From the space of enlightenment you say your mind has established itself in, I’m sure it is easier to tolerate and live in this world when your belief is that everything in existence is unconditional love and God. I’m sorry, but for most of us I’d venture to say, for example, the devastating horrors of rape, torture, murder, childhood sexual, mental, and physical abuse are not definitions of “unconditional love” and a “kind universe.”
Okay, yes I’ve heard some of you say, actually it is unconditional love because in reality “that’s all that exist in the universe.” the ultimate purpose of this human life is for the evolution, transcendence, then ultimately the enlightenment of this collective human consciousness, and to become the embodiment of God. So you're telling us that the person that is doing the child abusing, molesting, raping, or torture, or anything deeply traumatizing from the myriad of horrific acts humans are capable of, is actually an expression of love? Because, you say, “how gracious of the creator to bless you with this trauma.” You say our post traumatic stress from Vietnam, or years of torture, or sexual assault, or anything leading to extreme suffering, will push us to seek God, Truth, and enlightenment. So, of course “it’s a gift out of the universe’s unconditional love.” Again, I argue REALLY??? How the hell do you know it has to be this bad? And, I beg you, please don’t just tell me “it is what it is, that is reality, so it must have to be that way.”
The everything is God and unconditional love, is an all well and good theory for you to spout off about when you happen to be one of the “lucky one’s” that has, as you claim, reached that state of spiritual awakening where you are established in an eternal state of bliss, joy, and peace. But, again, I ask you, what about the rest of us? What about those that endure such atrocious traumas but never ever are able to heal, evolve, gain spiritual awakening from all the suffering they have survived? What about those of us that have more than tried, worked, searched, prayed, meditated, been of service to others, all for many years and have tried the opposites, taking a step back and “allowing what is,” as you like to say; yet, despite our most sincere efforts and many sacrifices, dedications, devotions, spiritual paths followed, and varied attempts to heal, grow, evolve, and transcend this mind, our mind remains in it’s own delusional perspective of life that continues to experience severe mental torment, pain and suffering? Despite every effort our mind goes back to it’s baseline of creating misery, despair, and an empathic sadness; which, as research has shown, these depressed minds tend to actually have a more realistic view of all the human suffering in this world.
I’d love for my mind to be established in your state of delusion. That's why occasionally I still do listen to your podcasts and get sucked into your youtube talks. Your delusion is obviously better than mine; if it’s creating a state of bliss as you say. We all are in one state of delusion or another. Your “collective consciousness” explanation sounds so “feel good” but I would love to hear from one of these philosophical, pseudoscientist, or self proclaimed spiritually awakened/enlightened one’s how is it that you can claim the deplorable cruelty of human beings is ultimately just a “story of the mind” and “suffering is a choice”? If you know this to be true, then the next time one of you is assaulted, raped, badly beaten, or tortured, or your child is murdered right in front of your eyes, or you develop dementia, or a severe mental illness, please come back and preach to us then. Explain to us then how your mind is superhuman and you don’t experience any suffering, only joy and bliss, no matter what is going on around you. I’d dare to say, in your state of “enlightenment,” this delusion that you have embraced, and turned into a revenue stream for yourself, has caused you to lose perspective on the realities of suffering and a good portion of your ability to empathize with the rest of us. Yes, I know I’ve heard it before “whatever changes is not real, whatever is real does not change.” And, “we are the one energy of this universe, the background that does not change.” Yet again, that’s nice to think about and if you can really experience that, it does bring a sense of “it’s all okay.” And, yes I know “the “I” that I think of as me is not “real”, “we are in time and we pass away.” However, for the vast majority of us, we’re still human, and trying to cope with these human minds, whether they’re what you consider “real” or not, they still are very “true” and what they create is a truly intense, to the point of deadly, suffering to ourselves and all sentient beings.
I get it, hope and spirituality are hot commodities and sell well, to a world that’s desperate for some sense of love and belonging. However, for me, you acknowledging and really discussing the “evils” of life’s existence, of the serious struggles of life’s sentient beings, is much more important than spouting false sunshine to sell up our assess. I know hardly anyone wants to hear the rough stuff, I’m sure your publicist or promoter tells you thiss. I guess, I know I’m asking too much. For you to explain something no human can probably ever explain; the true realities of life, death, spirit, and energy. Nevertheless, you do proclaim to be able to do so.
Therefore, I’ll ask again, why the hell does Life, what or whomever created us, make us capable of experiencing such unbearable pain, to the point where humans kill themselves and each other? Some pieces of what you preachify gives me some hope and solace to have glimpses of experience that “I am of the divine”, that “everything is God”, that “I am a spiritual being having a human experience”, that “I am unborn and deathless”, that “I am an expression of God and of unconditional love”, that “I am not this body and mind", that “we are all one, there is no separate self”, that “humans see things dualistically when reality isn’t”, that I only need to “just be” and live as my “true authentic self”, that “energy is neither created or destroyed”, that creation and destruction are natural cycles of this life, that “heaven and hell are within us”, that if you “let go of judgement” you can heal, that there is nothing “wrong” with any of us-we’re all “perfect” creations of the creator, and “each moment is perfect just as it is.” But, the reality is that this mind has only had brief moments of residing in the above pleasant states of delusion that we so badly want to fully experience and believe in.
Alas, with a mind, such as the one I inherited, that continues to be extremely efficient and talented at creating intense emotions. it’s favorites, such as, despair, wretchedness, a sorrow that is so pervasive and invasive that it is physically and cognitively debilitating. This then progresses to the demon of clinical depression having devoured my spirit, leaving a detached, isolated, hallow void of flatness, with an oxymoron of the most painful numbness. The skin feels raw and exposed, nerves that feel on fire with an extreme urge to want to crawl, claw, and rip my way out of my own flesh, muscle, and bones. Collectively creating a severe depressive anxiety that makes one feel so fragile and vulnerable, manifesting into an irrational fear of even leaving one’s own bed. (This is an extreme contrast to this same mind that was once capable of traveling alone for 9 weeks exploring 4 foreign countries and socializing throughout). Oh this mind, this mind, that the medical field has determined has a diagnosis of Major Depressive disorder, severe, recurrent/chronic, treatment resistant. This ill mind plagued by the demon of depression, it cycles. It lies to me. It confuses me to the point where I really feel like I don’t know who I am or what I’m capable of, leaving me completely lost.
The depression yanks, with an evil total disregard, my life right out from under me. And, it has done this so, so many times. I’ve lost dear friendships over the years, I’ve lost romantic relationships with men I loved deeply like family, I’ve never married, and I have been too afraid to have children because of the fear of passing to them the genes of this demon of depression. It would be beyond painful, unbearable, to me to see my child suffer with mental illness as I have. I have lost academic goals/opportunities, lost career goals/opportunities and career paths I had dreamed of pursuing. I’ve lost good career jobs that I really cared about, and I’ve had to lose my home, twice. I’ve lost sports and hobbies I wanted to pursue further. Unfortunately, because of this illness, I have not been able to pursue the majority of my hopes and dreams. I’ve missed out on so many events and opportunities in life. The majority of my life I have not been able to really, truly engage fully with others, and those I love, because of the cage the depression traps your mind in. I haven’t fully been able to be the daughter, the sister, the auntie, the cousin, the grandchild, the friend, the woman, The working professional, and the human, that I really wanted to and dreamt of being. I’ve not been able to completely or consistently be the; creative, artistic, motivated, socially active, loving, thoughtful, resourceful, funny, warm, loyal, adventurous, hard working, influential moderator and leader, that I have had some fortunate intermittent moments of being. I wanted to make a positive difference in this world, to really help people heal and improve their lives. I was able to practice this for several years as a mental health counselor and then as a health care provider, but not to the full extent that I wanted to, as I’ve chronically felt the hefty tug of the depression holding me back. my illness has become so severe that often I fear I’ll never really be able to have a career again. I have missed out on so many special moments with friends and family. it’s painfully isolated me from those I love dearly and shredded my spirit to pieces to the point that I still can’t seem to even find enough pieces left to get back to what most would consider a whole person, fully functional again.
I’ve followed medical recommendations that have accumulated over time to a list of 31 different psychiatric medication trials, 2 courses of electroconvulsive “shock” therapy—41 treatments total, psychiatric hospitalization, intravenous ketamine infusions for total of 27 treatments, transcranial magnetic stimulation 5 days a week for 2 months, an intensive outpatient program, multiple psychotherapies over the years, and now my psychiatrist recommends that I consider having a vagal nerve stimulator (VNS) surgically implanted in my chest with electrodes running up from the chest through my neck and then placed in my brain. I’m still trying to coming to terms with the reality of how ill I have been this past year. I never, ever thought it would get this severe, to where if it weren’t for my extraordinary, loving, supportive family, I would be homeless, or very likely dead.
I have made a career (20 years) out of working in mental health/substance dependence care; so, I have seen it from both sides, first as the counselor, then, after completing graduate school, as the medical provider, and over the years as the patient. I’ve worked in various settings, from level 14 group homes for children and adolescents, crisis, social rehabilitation programs for those severely mentally ill, worked in a large inner city providing psychiatric care for HIV/AIDS patients, severely chronically mentally ill and those with severe substance dependence, patients with extensive trauma—abusive childhood, veterans, incarceration, Homelessness, female and male prostitution, worked with former inmates trying to transition back into society after incarceration in San Quentin, worked in a detoxification hospital and inpatient rehabilitation for patients with substance dependence, and on an inner city mental health mobile crisis team. Given this, I feel like I have a pretty good amount of experience, knowledge, gained invaluable wisdom from patients, and grew a deep empathy for how the human mind can wreak havoc and generate immense suffering. Even after all this career experience, witnessing a few family members struggle with severe mental illness and substance dependence, my own personal struggles and the extensive list of varied treatments tried, psychotherapies, spiritual classes, mindfulness classes, having a healthy lifestyle, and having tried an extensive list of holistic/alternative approaches as well, I find myself in the worst trap the demon of depression has ever caged me in. at this level of desperation, I wonder maybe there is still something I’m “just not getting” or am not “in a state of awareness”, and I have yet to reach and remain in that consistent state of a spiritually awakened one. I think I have had glimpses of it, but then again I wonder was it simply that my mind was not as afflicted by the depression during those short intermittent times, so cognitively it was able to generate a more positive, whole perspective leading me to think I was progressing towards the miraculous transcendence you promoters of spirituality dangle over our desperate heads.
please tell me oh enlightened ones—What the hell do you do when you have a mind that truly has a mind of it’s own? A mind that, in this moment, truly is in a severe mental health episode, and is often times cognitively incapable of being able to experience those spiritual, or meditative, states of feeling like you are in “loving presence” or “conscious awareness.” A mind incapable of reaching and staying in those states that you enlightened ones fill our heads with fanciful promises of; such as, peace, freedom, joy, glossy fantasies of blissfulness, and this transformation you say we should strive for. Yet, very few in the world’s human population actually ever get to these mental states of transcending human suffering, into enlightenment. What if your so called enlightenment is really just that your mind happens to be genetically capable of producing these spiritual, blissful, "we are all one”, “God is everything and I am God” states of mind that really are just as delusional as the rest of us? it’s just that your mind generated delusion is a much more pleasant and peaceful one to be caged in.
Therefore, again Please, instead of you trying to sell us on this fairytale, or actually what it really is, a blatant lie, that anyone can reach this spiritual awakening, this enlightenment, this blissed out way of living life, why don’t you be straight forward and honest with us? You know that what you’re luring us in with is not reality or truth. I think maybe some of you, because of your own struggles, want so very badly to believe and embody the highly optimistic ideals you have about life, spirit, human beings, and the universe. However, just like it’s not reality that every human being can become a teacher, doctor, nurse, lawyer, scientist, engineer, a great mechanic, or craftsperson, not every human is capable of enlightenment. It is a fact that humans all have varying levels of cognitive functioning, physical abilities, and emotional intelligence. We can’t all achieve what you claim to have achieved. We aren’t all made that way, so please stop trying to make us feel guilty for it! Stop telling us that if we’d just “go within” if we would just practice life “mindfully” enough, “listen to the silence”, “relax into presence”, “cultivate awareness”, “watch yourself without judging yourself” “just be” “life is perfect just as it is”, if we would just eat spiritually, if we would just get enough exercise, do enough yoga, practice enough prayer, if we would just “listen to our hearts” “if you just watch your thoughts go by like clouds” and if we would just “don’t believe your thoughts” that all our suffering would fall away.
I’ve lived with this illness long enough, monitored, journaled, watched and experienced repeatedly that it is often not my distorted beliefs or thoughts that cause the depression. This Flawed, oversimplified explanation is what some of you “enlightened” ones would like us to believe. You Lecture us, claiming if we would just “inquire”, “watch”, “bring into awareness”, “investigate” or “analyze” our thoughts we could free ourselves of suffering from a mental illness. When I was younger, yes part of the build up and sustenance of the depression was erroneous beliefs, distorted cognitive/behavioral patterns, that I with professional help learned to mature and evolve from. The reality for years since then has been that it is the mind creating the extremely painful emotions for no reason, before any thoughts, that is the most frustrating, debilitating, challenging part of the illness. It’s the intense sinking, suffocating, quicksand of deep despair, misery, overcome by a horrendous melancholia, shameful wretchedness, leaving you feeling like your’e soul and spirit are dead and gone. Literally as soon as my eyes open in the morning before I even have a chance at having a thought, the emotion is there. It’s like the emotion centers of my mind have been switch on high for no damn reason. this is so excruciating. if you haven’t experienced your mind completely taking over, having a mind of it’s own, with it’s own agenda, it can be very difficult to understand. But, I’ve witnessed it in many patients, and clients over the years, and in my personal life.
It may not be “real” sas you spiritual preachers say, but it definitely is a true phenomenon of the human mind. Real or not, true or not, whatever you want to call it or not, it is here and it is part of the human condition. it is these intense painful emotions that lead people to kill themselves, as I almost have. I’m not saying that distorted thinking and beliefs don’t still arise with the depression that I experience. They are definitely part of the symptomatology, but they are much more often than not generated by the fiendish emotions that prime the mind for these tortuous, intrusive thoughts, such as the suicidal ones.
There aren’t enough words to describe the devastating symptoms of severe mental illness, it is the worst kind of hell and human suffering. I would not wish it upon anyone. Well, except for maybe for just one day of experiencing mental illness, because this would significantly help raise awareness and cultivate greater compassion for one another; because, their is, especially in certain cultures, a human arrogance that believes we are in total and complete control of what we believe is our own human mind. But, we are not, our minds do indeed have a mind of their own. We are social beings and we do share a collective consciousness, which is why we need each other’s support and compassion, not judgement and blame. I’m not saying that each of us carrying around a mind in our skull is not responsible for whatever it’s creating. I’m saying that it varies across the human spectrum, some of us the creator made with more cognitive abilities than others to be able to direct, focus, transcend, and use our minds in the healthiest ways possible. We all have that responsibility to try to do the best we can, with what the creator has given us. to create a healthy mind, evolve, and grow consciousness; at the same time we are forced by life to learn to acknowledge and accept what may be our limitations.
Yet again, I ask you popular media spiritual teachers, please Stop torturing us with false hope, and making us feel that our mind is all our own fault. Stop lying to us that we have complete control over our minds. Stop telling us it’s our fault that we are in pain and suffering. Stop filling our heads with your harmful spiritual theory that if we were truly sick and tired of our torturous mental misery, if we weren’t attached and somehow benefiting from our mind’s illness, if we really wanted to we could “let go of our ego,” of all our erroneous, distorted thoughts, beliefs, and intense emotions. then, we too could be like you and have a miraculous curative spiritual awakening, and poof our mental illness would disappear!

I’m trying to tell my truth, as I have experienced this human mind and body that my “spirit” is in and what I have witnessed in others. I spent many years trying to hide my illness and striving to solve, “cure” it on my own; for, I did not want to be judged, or stereotyped by people, appear “weak”, or feel like a burden others. I never ever wanted attention for it, quite the opposite. I suffered in silence for many years, and kept a calendar counting down the days until I was going to kill myself. Unfortunately, all too often this is the scenario with mental illness, because there’s still so much shame, fear, stigma, and misunderstandings.
I know people may say this, but I have survived longe enough with this illness that I know whiteout a shadow of a doubt I would gladly sacrifice any part of my body; take my legs, or arms, or whatever part it takes, if it guaranteed I could live the rest of my life completely without any depressive or mental illness again, it would be more than worth it! To have a mind finally fully capable of achieving peace, calm, love, connection with loved ones, and true unobstructed joy. If my minds at peace and no longer in torture, I don’t care if I’m in a wheel chair or had to give up my vision. To no longer be crippled by mental illness would be a true miracle. I’d much rather have a physical ailment, and be capable of true happiness, Joy, peace, clear cognitive functioning, and the “normal range” of human emotion, than chronically feel rotten, dead, suicidal, void of any motivation, pleasure, interests, joy, appreciation, and once again be taken over by the vicious demon of depression.
I admit and know I have learned, I have grown spiritually and emotionally, I have gained invaluable insights, expanded my ability for empathy and compassion for self and all beings, from many mystic spiritual teachings, spiritual and religious classes I’ve taken, books I’ve read, and listening to various spiritual or religious teachers out there in the world. However, I do think it can get to the point, especially today with how psychology, psychiatry, spirituality, and mental wellbeing are marketed, sold, and disseminated, where it can cause harm to those of us with mental illness. Especially, for some of us humans in this world that have a familial genetic history of mental illness, have a mind that despite every attempt at an extensively long list of various treatments, continues to generate pathological emotional states, the hype and grandiose promises can cause some serious harm to our psyche. Because, you know what Mr latest spiritual guru, it’s not my damn fault! Intellectually I know this, but it’s still hard to fully accept and experience that it is indeed not my fault, because we’re given so many messages of the opposite.
So, to all those psychiatrists, nurses, psychologists, psychotherapists, and the myriad of mental health professionals, spiritual, religious, and usually well intended people but who offer ignorant advice and opinions, It’s not because I don’t try hard enough. When someone irresponsibly tells me “you need to push yourself to do things” because I have been dealing with this illness for most my life, as I said before as both the provider and the patient, I directly let them know, in detail, that their comment is completely inappropriate, not at all therapeutic, and indeed ignorant. You really need to get to know a person, your client, or patient before you make a comment like this. For me, how dare you say this. You obviously don’t know me, because I have never been a “lazy” person, I have always had plenty of self motivation, initiative, and have never been someone who gets bored. A comment such as this demonstrates that you have absolutely no idea what clinical depression, mental illness can be like. I have been pushing, forcing myself for years! And, for someone with mental illness, such as depression, this level of forcing or pushing oneself is so very different, than what an “average healthy” person experiences as having to push oneself. When you’re consumed by clinical depression it’s like you’re in five point restraints, shackled to your bed, or in the deepest, thickest quicksand, suffocating, and you don’t even know which way is up. For example, I am someone that normally loves taking showers, but when you're consumed by the demon, just lifting your head off the pillow in the morning is a huge feat. So, taking a shower becomes like having to climb Mount Everest without any of the proper equipment. As I type this, I can’t recall the last time I took a shower, I think it’s been about 15-16 days.
In order to survive and live some sort of a “normal” life, I have had to force and push myself pretty much every day of my life for the past 27+ years. So from your pulpit of arrogance, How the hell do you think I graduated with honors from both my undergraduate and both graduate schools? How did I make it through graduate school for nurse practitioner training where I had to do 12 hour night shifts at the large university hospital and then go to classes in the daytime with little sleep? How did I pass all 3 of my board exams the first time? How the hell do you think I was able to maintain for several years a successful career as a nurse practitioner, where I was respected and got along great with co-workers and patients? How did I work in mental health and crisis programs, before becoming a nurse practitioner, where I had to work morning, swing, and overnight shifts? How did I maintain frequent regular exercise, lifting weights, jogging, playing soccer, hiking, yoga, cycling, swimming, and various other vigorous outdoor activities for most my life? how did I do a half marathon and triathlon? How have I been able to maintain the friendships and family relationships that I have? How did I put myself through graduate school twice, and how have I been able to purchase my own home, on my own? How the hell have I traveled to various foreign countries and around the united states? How have I been a loyal friend and always jump at the chance to help family or friends? How have I not killed myself, when this despicable demon of depression has been trying to kill me since I was about 17 years old? So, please frickin’ spare me your arrogant, ignorant, and useless advice, when you have no idea what it really means to “push or force yourself.” I’m doing the best I can. I do not enjoy being ill this way, it is torture.
Further, it’s not because I don’t pray enough, or meditate enough, or I’m not mindful enough, or any of the other long lists of “if you would only live your life this way then you would no longer suffer” lessons you spiritual teachers are propagating. I have tried extremely hard, since I was a young teenager (I’m in my mid forties now) to live, to transcend, to live in a state of compassionate awareness for all sentient beings, including myself. I have tried so many avenues and approaches, if you can think of it, odds are I’ve tried it, to manage living with a mind that generates such intense pathological suffering. I’m still patiently waiting for that spiritual awakening you speak of to occur. Along with a new sustained state of mind of radical acceptance and blissfulness; that golden carrot you like to dangle in front of our starving minds. It hasn’t happened yet, and the reality is it may never. I’ve gone through many cycles of thinking I’m on the path, making progress, a few times actually felt maybe I was transcending the suffering this mind generates, and even at one time believing perhaps I had achieved some level of enlightenment. You spiritual teachers, in your arrogance of self proclaimed enlightenment, and arrogance of assumptions that your own human mind, body experience is something that we all could experience for ourselves, when you very well know this, at least in one lifetime, is not realistic for the vast majority of us. Don’t you at all feel some guilt for misleading us? It’s like telling someone born with Fragile X syndrome that they aren’t doing enough to “cure” themselves. Please, if you truly want to be of service and help alleviate human suffering as you claim, then be real with those of us that do indeed have, a likely genetic, mental illness, and teach us compassion and hope that is within the reality of the minds we try so very hard to live with; because, for many of us just staying alive is a huge form of transcendence.
Lastly, If we can’t discuss, explore research to explain, philosophize, or bring into the spiritual realm the horrors of humanity, then we are not progressing towards any sort of transformative enlightenment. No matter how one tries to isolate from the rest of the world the fact remains all sentient beings affect one another, even the one’s we’d rather not talk about, that’s just a scientific fact of how life functions. So, let us dare to look, dare to care, dare to listen, dare to feel, dare to think, dare to be with one another, dare to help, dare to reach out, dare to speak to, dare to be witness to, touch and acknowledge all the unimaginable suffering that happens ever day in so many people’s lives. Let us face the brutality of life, and stop lying to ourselves with fairytales. Let us truly, fully, feel, empathize, and sit with it. Let us cultivate together compassion for, treat, and heal the perpetrators of the horrors and atrocities of this world. Because, the reality is that we must accept the fact that none of us can truly have unconditional love, peace, healing, transcendence, and enlightenment without seeing these perpetrators as humans beings, just like us, that are just as in need of healing and compassion. No human can possibly know for sure who and how many can be rehabilitated, but we must try. And, those that may not have the capacity to rehabilitate let us develop the societal structures to treat them humanely. Because, Ultimately we are only as spiritually awake and as “good as the worst of us.”

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're struggling, KR2018. I'm here to talk with you if you want. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this