I think I'm going to enjoy some of my life now. Things can change. Time for a cool change. Love to all.

[will19]

The day went alright until after work when I went to a Laundromat near where I live. I thought that I would try it for a change. What a mistake that was! It ended up costing me much more than doing the laundry at my place. The reason I wanted to try the switch was because the washers at where I live are not reliable. Why does doing the laundry have to be so hard?

Speaking of laundry, I have that problem too. This building has one washer for way too many people. I'm doing ok physically lately. I'm ready for part time work when I find the right place. My depression seems too much to do with others. I don't like being what I feel is selfish. But I do need to take care of my needs first.

doing ok, not bad, not good... treading water.

Manager told me I’d have another week training. Can’t help but feel like a failure. And can’t help but feel betrayed that coworker who is training me ratted me out because I forgot how to do something. And that we’re not friends since he’s reporting on me to manager

I know these aren’t productive emotions but I can’t help but feel that way. I just feel ******.

And always as always I’m alone.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m still in a funk. I’ve been dealing with some medical stuff that’s causing a lot of disruption in my daily life. So I don’t know how much that has to do with things. But I do think my SAD may be setting in. I booked a mini 3 day vacation in October to see if that will help with my mood. It won’t be an expensive vacation and there will be no problem taking the time off work. I had originally planned on taking 2 trips this year but then found out I was going on a big one next year. But now it turns out that trip is also going to be pretty inexpensive. So the 2 trips is back on. I want to get out of this funk or these next several months will be tough.

[3rd rock]

I was supposed to make 2 phone calls today, but the pain was so intense that I didn't. There's no harm because the phone calls can wait until Monday, but the pain that caused me to not make them is quite hard. I had hoped that the pain would be passing but it isn't.

[Rose76]

Lazy, lazy. Just couldn't care less about anything. There will be a price to pay for every day I waste like this.

[will19]

Feeling depressed this morning. I don't know why. This is my favorite day of the week. I guess I just have some negative thoughts on my mind. No matter how good things are (and it's great now) I manage to come up with something in my mind that makes me feel bad.

Nothing much later on today. Three weeks from today I will go on a trip about 2,000 miles away. I've been looking forward to it but now I have remorse. I went through that last year when I took a long trip. Last year everything went alright, even though I had ruined it for myself. I'll try to not make that happen this time.

Originally Posted by will19

Feeling depressed this morning. I don't know why. This is my favorite day of the week. I guess I just have some negative thoughts on my mind. No matter how good things are (and it's great now) I manage to come up with something in my mind that makes me feel bad.

Nothing much later on today. Three weeks from today I will go on a trip about 2,000 miles away. I've been looking forward to it but now I have remorse. I went through that last year when I took a long trip. Last year everything went alright, even though I had ruined it for myself. I'll try to not make that happen this time.

Which places are you going to visit on the trip?

[3rd rock]

Reading my own books is a great way to confirm that I'm terrible at this.

I'd like to be a writer but right now and if I ever think of it, I'm not creative. I'd like to have my own key to a room today but I don't. That's life. My younger son is a gentle giant, I miss him so much already.

[Deilla]

Feeling lonely. Not sure what to do with myself. It's been too quiet this weekend. I just feel all alone. Even when I had a friend to talk to, I was alone. The only things he and I talk about are game related. Not sure where to turn. Maybe if I meditate on it.

[3rd rock]

I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from writing these crappy novels. Three years of my life pissed away on something so terrible and without any merit. I could've used that time to write books that are actually worth reading. And now I've contaminated my own name by writing these awful books, without any redeeming features. Leaden dialoge, poor descriptions, and characters shallower than a kiddie pool. I'm so despondent.

[will19]

Last night my internet shut down. I was very disappointed. I called customer service this morning (I had not had their phone number handy last night) and they said it's possible that my internet can go back on today or tonight. But anyways, they will send me a new modem because the modem I have now may be defective. At least the customer service was very nice to talk to.

Pretty nice day at work today. Busy and having a nice arrangement to be able to park at where I work while I'm away for a week. I needed that help.

[Rose76]

I'm floundering. I'm just not getting it done beyond covering the bare, bare minimal bases . . . sort of. I need some source of psychological support IRL. Fellow PC members do what they can, but I need more - out here. Being a caregiver to my bf is starting to seem overwhelming. I guess I'm burning out. He and I are just so isolated and geographically remote from family support.

I am becoming a failure.

[Yzen]

I'm having a strange week. I'm alternating between feeling depressed and feeling 'ok'. My sleep is off. I haven't slept well in days. Probably contributing to it.

Ups are my son has a job lined up. I'm ok. Down, not too much just nervous

[Rose76]

In desperation to interrupt this depressive downward spiral (and to avoid 2 hours in the kitchen this eve) I got my S.O. and myself out to dinner. It was a steakhouse and we were both hungry. It was good to see him eat quite heartily. The steaks were tasty. But he's awfully frail.

Watching his slow, relentless deterioration is excruciating. He doesn't complain. I admire that. At least he enjoyed what he ate. I have to find ways to put more joy in our daily lives. After dinner, we stopped somewhere else for ice cream. I wanted us to do something normal, after too much time cooped up at home. To watch someone leaving this life, bit by bit, everyday . . . for so long. Why it has to be so slow. He was confused. His dementia has gotten worse. Driving to the restaurant, I had to explain twice where we were going. Another hunk of his mind has left. He's been leaving me, even while he's still here. I can't hold on to him. I can't hold him together. I can't hold on to him tight enough. He's slipping away. But he wanted to please me tonight. It's so hard for him to move, but he tries. People help. Someone held a door. Someone held his chair, while I got him up from the booth. Patrons. Other customers always notice and offer help. But some employees can be such boneheads. A hostess and someone else in the lobby, just idly chatting, while I'm struggling to open a door and push a wheelchair through at the same time, right in front of them. I guess it's how they were raised.

I feel so bad that I've been so depressed and letting the both of us just vegetate lately. But I got us out this evening. That was something . . . an improvement. Now I could straighten some stuff out before going to bed. I have to stop being lazy and not caring about anything. I wish I knew of some caregiver support group. I'm too isolated. He sleeps most of the morning and early afternoon. There's no explaining this - that I'm alone a lot, even when I'm with him. People who might know better don't even think to call and offer a brief chat. They say, "Let me know if I can do anything for you." One person does call. Just one person . . . who lost her spouse to sudden, grave illness. She knows. Everyone else just stays clueless.

Mornings are awful. So I should plan what I'll do tomorrow.

[3rd rock]

As it's 9/11 I've been watching movies and videos which take me back to that day when I was in the 9th grade and it's making me obsess over a few choices I made around that time that had profound implications for my life. Also the movie United 93 gives me almost flashbacks to the day, makes me feel intense fear and anxiety as if I'm right back there.