Am I a fraud?

I started to feel deeply depressed around the middle of december and spent almost all day in bed until the middle of january that I began to take my AD again. I remembered that somewhere I read that taking care of yourself while feeling depressed (showering, grooming, eating healthy, ....), even if it is really hard to do it and you don't feel like doing it, can make you feel better, so I did it...

I have a ton of things to do, I cannot stay all day in bed

Now I feel a little better, I spend a lot of time just lying in bed but not that much. I feel like a fraud.

As if I have lied or done something horrible and I was hiding it.

Maybe I wasn't that depressed and I wasted everybodies time. I have the ability to function as a normal human being, why cannot I do it?

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Hi,

Yes, I think a lot of people can relate to you OliverB, and good on you for pushing yourself to do self care things as well, they're important.

To me, the struggle you're describing is the depression itself. And giving oneself a hard time, devaluing oneself, slandering oneself - and that's very common - again, is a symptom of depression as well OliverB.

Trust me, you're not a fraud because you say you have the ability right? But do you? If you did you could just go ahead and do whatever without too much fuss, BUT, something's blocking you...something's preventing you - and I say it's that counterproductive group of thoughts and feelings that has been given the name of depression.

You're not a fraud OliverB, you're just struggling like a lot of us but you can get through this. I say that having gotten through some very bleak episodes myself, friend.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, OliverB I completely agree with what mote.of.soul has already wisely said - you're NOT a fraud. From what you wrote it's clear that you're struggling and that you're not living likfe like you would want to. That definitely sounds like depression to me. Even if it wasn't, and it is, what matters is that you're struggling right now, and you deserve to get help and to feel better. That's what's important. You're not wasting anyone's time by taking care of yourself - you're definitely not wasting yours. The good news is that you were able to do something despite your depression, and that means that you're strong and that you CAN get better, and that's great! Try to hang on to that. It won't be easy, I know. But things can get better. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. You're a wonderful person, OliverB. Stay safe and take care of yourself. We all love you here. Remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

((((((((( OliverB ))))))))))


I think many here can relate Thanks for posting

Thank you,

I don't know what to say, I feel so tired....

...

I am sorry.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

No need to be sorry, OliverB We're here to support you whenever you need it. You don't have any obligation to reply if you don't want to or don't feel like it. You can always do it later if you want. Try to get some rest. Take some time for yourself. Take care of yourself. That's the priority. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

((((OliverB))))

Hugs

I think a major fallacy is that you can't be depressed if you can function-even at a low level. I was talking about this in another thread but I have three kids and a husband. I have had years where I cant move off the couch and years where functioning in a "normal" way is easier. Its total BS that being depressed means you have to be bedridden and non-functional. There is a reason why people say its a silent pain or hidden illness. In fact sometimes I probably should have given in and felt all the pain and stuff instead of putting one foot ahead of the other. Its alot like being an extrovert and having social anxiety. Many people think you have to be an introvert and shy if you have social anxiety while some people are almost too extra when they feel anxious. I learned a few years ago that I need to get dressed to the shoes. Laying around in my comfy clothes and slippers make it harder for me to get motivated about anything and hard to go about my day. When I feel put together outwardly it helps me manage inwardly. My point is- even when it is so painful I feel like I am walking on broken glass- sometimes I am able to push through enough to function and take care of my family. I may do it crying but I can do it.

Thank you all,

Everything you have said makes sense...

Tomorrow I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about it and see what happens.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

He said I am having a depressive episode, I am going to be referred to another psychiatrist. It is supposed the psych nurse called another place to make an appointment for me when I left. I guess they will tell me something on monday.

He said "See you never" when I left his office.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Not a fraud. Everyone who lived a depression, feel guilty or feel a fraud for not being able to get the energy enough. What in a head is going on, in a brain...has a big influency in the body. I’m not strange that on one side you want to get out of the depression but don’t feel the energy to do it so far.
Anyway, any step you give forward, it’s a big step but don’t feel guilty when you can’t give it. Bit by bit. Don’t feel shame. You didn’t call the depression. Noones wants this *****.

I hope you'll be able to find a new psychiatrist soon, OliverB. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Remember that you're NOT a fraud. You're a wonderful person who is just struggling right now. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

you r doing fine because u r expressing yourself.U can't deny your feelings n u r being honest .I want u to know u r not alone.🌝

I don't know if I want to see another psychiatrist. I have had bad experiences with most of them.

My psychiatrist seemed angry, annoyed, frustrated with me (and even sad).

He was rude, but seemed worried at the same time.

He doesn't want to see me again. Initially he said something about waiting until I feel better, take a break, and start again fixing the mistakes that were made (he said he made a lot of mistakes). But then, I don't know why, he gave up with me, told me we have been talking for too much time (in a rude way, more like wasting time). I told him I was sorry, I got up and leaft saying "bye", and he said "See you never".

He did weird things, like insisting on that if I directly said I would kill myself, He would have to IP me, he said it like 3-4 times (I didn't talk about suicidal ideation or anything like that). He asked me what I usually thought when I was in bed for hours, I said it makes me sad the fact that I have nowehere to go when I need help (being IP never helped me, just traumatized me). Maybe was it what annoyed him? That I waited until being really ill to tell him somthing because I don't feel comfortable with him? (I have always felt forced to pretend I was OK, he is usually nice but doesn't understand many things. I miss my former psychiatrist, I told him many times.). He has a pokemon card I have him on his desk (he is around 60 years old), he seems to like me, but this last time was I think he got tired of me.

I feel like a burden.

Maybe noone can help

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

This is how you perceive yourself. You don’t want to be a burden but you aren’t. You have a trauma or an illness and professionals are there to help with this for this reason, to treat you and help you. Mental issues, as physical ones can have a bettering or maybe not. At least not until different treatments are applied. Health Field is not exact science. There are researchers, treatments more or less effective but in the end, there must be a doctor who identifies the illness and a person who suffers the illness and whose body, mind are gonna respond to a treatment.
The relation between you and the person who is treating you is a very important starting point. And it has to be based on reciprocity. So, don’t blame you. There are also professionals that for one or another reason don’t get to connect with the patient or don’t see clearly the best way to help him. The most honest a doctor can do is to communicate this to his patient and even guide him to find the best help and the person who may help him the best.

Don’t give it up with it. The most relevant is that you feel comfortable with the doctor. If you see you aren’t comfortable with one, it’s totally normal. It happens all the time to people. Look for another one. There is no burden or blame here.

You're not a burden to us, OliverB. I'm so sorry for the late reply. We all care about you here. We all love you here. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you, I try to keep going.

Something good happened today. I couldn't feel happy about it. The hopelessness it's too deep.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I see what you say. When things are too hard, it takes a time to change the direction. Nontheless, I’m happy that something good happened today for you.