severe depression

i'm coming here for the hopes that someone can offer some sort of insight. i found out sept. 3rd that my husband of only 14 months was having an affiar with my so called best friend for over a month. lying to me saying he got called out at midnight to fix a problem at work (he's the IT manager), saying he was out of town taking classes but he was always with her instead. he went as far as sending me a naked picture of him in his hotel room. Only later to find out she took the pic of him in her bed. i had a gut feeling so i checked his blackberry on labor day morning and found all the emails. the one that hurt the most was she asked him one morning if he had a good night. his reply was yeah marie was all upset because she found out her granny has cancer so i took advantage of it and got some.. wasn't as good as you and i had to think of you the whole time. I filed for divorce sept. 11th. we've tried being civil. just because he cheated doesn't make me stop loving him. he swore to me 2 weeks ago he hasn't talked to her at all. this past saturday was his companies christmas party. for one, he's a jehovahs witness and would never even go to a easter dinner with me let alone a christmas dinner. he said he was going just for the prizes. i let it go. then i found out he had a sex personal online. i was ready to write him off because he's constantly lying. my sister calls me saturday night to come pick her up from a bar. Just as i'm turning onto that road, i see my ex's car going in the same direction. he has that ***** in the car with him. anger took over and i followed him through a parking lot. i saw him with the phone in his hand so i went the other way. he emails me sunday telling me that the only thing he's kept from me was that he still talked to her occasionally online. but he didn't tell me for HER protection. ok, so he would rather protect her than my feelings and emotional state? he has just destroyed my whole life but yet i can not let him go. i think i'm obsessed. on top of this, i had to file bankruptcy because he's left me with soo much debt that i cannot pay on my own. and i shouldn't forget that i'm having to watch my friend of 23 years die of cancer who just turned 30 and has a 4 and 7 year old. but back to my ex, i know in my heart that he's still keeping things from me. how can i get over the needing to know?? i just feel soo helpless. i've got a number for a doctor to call tomorrow and i'm scared they'll try to admit me into a crazy place. but then again i feel like i need it. i'm just really depressed. none of my friends talk to me or check on me anymore. i cant stop crying. i was dx with bipolar last year. but i've never been this depressed. just hoping someone on here can help until i can get a doctors appointment.

for sure donel... we're great listeners here and we're glad to have you join ..

you're on the right path.. relax, call the doc, go to the appointment.. keep us updated on your progress, check out all the forums... the worlds best are here ...

You haven't lost it yet! With all that "action" no wonder you want to know "what else" is going on. Sounds like it's either that or "nothing".

Can you concentrate on getting yourself healthy and in a better place? Sounds like you body is going to make you soon, might as well "join" it and work on that aspect. Do you have a financial plan for the debt; anything that the lawyer can do to help with that, get him to pay some, etc.?

he was ordered to pay 1260.00 of the 2 grand for the divorce. but he's left me with a house and car payment. after paying bills each month, i'm left with only $51 to last for food, gas, etc. that's why i had to file bankruptcy. i know i shouldn't want to know what he's doing but i do. i have days where i could care less because of what he's done to me and then i have days where i want to know his every move. he won't give me his new cell phone number and that makes me mad. what if something happened and i really did need to talk to him or if he comes up missing? its not like he has any friends to send to check on him. he moved to kentucky from new york to be with me. i was all he had.. well, until that ***** came along. i can't even say her name. i cringe when i hear someone else talk of someone with the same name. i did soo much for her when she got pregnant by a low life scum and for her to turn around and do this to me, is unforgiveable. she even told him, don't tell marie please because it's hard to find good girl friends. well yeah when you're screwing their husbands, i'm sure it is hard to find good friends.

so sorry, (((((done))))