Feeling unwelcome and useless

I welcome any constructive feedback on this.
I am a grandma 👵🏻 to 12 ranging in age from 4-15 and a mother of 4 adults. My health is not good but not bad enough to go into an assisted living facility. Because of illnesses and a difficult life ( some of which is my fault), I am having trouble caring for myself. In recent months I have reached out to my children for help and ALL of them rejected me. One because she and I don’t get along so I really don’t want to be with her anyway. But the other 3 I don’t understand.

My eldest child is a preacher and he is actually commanded in scripture to care for me. He lives a couple states away. He gave me a very eloquent and elaborate (if winding) monologue about why he would not be helping me. This really hurt my feelings. Especially since he just took in his father in law, who has money and is able to pay for others to care for him AND he was never a good father to my daughter in law, according to what I heard anyway.

Then my second child who lives 3 miles from me, shortly after telling me she can’t afford to help me, is building a house about an hours drive from me, next door to her in laws, who she doesn’t like, according to her. So she doesn’t have enough money to help me even get a used mobile home for under $10,000 but she does have enough money to buy land for $80,000 and build a new house on the land while she lives in a very nice 4 bedroom house in town now.
She was angry at her siblings because she is the one who always helps me with little things and they never do. It’s true it’s not fair to her to be burdened with me. But to pack up and move away is not good for any of us.

My third child is an assistant pastor’s wife and they live a couple states away. They live very simply and humbly. They do not have their own house but live with their 4 children in a home less than 1200 square feet on church property. She said she would help if she could but they just don’t have any money nor time. I believe her. She is telling me what she believes is the truth. Her husband is native of a country thousands of miles away and he always seems to have money to fly “home” or fly his relatives back and forth from the other side of the world. But no money to help me. So, in this case I do fault my son in law for not being fair to his wife’s side of the family.

The fourth child is the one previously mentioned that I don’t want to live with. She is abusive and I am not going into another abusive relationship if I can help it. She wouldn’t help if she could. But I would rather be homeless than live with her.

I was not the best mother. My husband was abusive and I was confused often because of his manipulations and abuse. However, when I discovered he was sexually abusing my children I got them out. And I did my best to keep them safe.

My eldest withdrew from me as a teenager and I let him go live with our pastor. I wonder if that was a mistake. I just felt like he needed a positive male role model. But in recent years I have learned that the pastors twin brother, who was also a pastor, was a child molester too. So I am now doubtful about the influence that man had on my son and what happened in that house. I might never know. Maybe my son is angry because I didn’t fight harder to keep him. Maybe he blames me for what happened (if anything.)

My three girls I had with me mostly. I gave everything I had to them. All of them have said all along that they knew and know I love them. I made many sacrifices to ensure that they had what they needed. And some of what they wanted. It was my job as their mother. It was what my love for them required.

The three eldest claim they love me. But where are they when I need them?

I feel so hurt. I feel betrayed and unwanted. I feel injured. I endured years of abuse from their father because the pastor said it was better for them to have bad father than no father at all. Once I found out about the sexual molestation though, I got them out. I even tried to get justice for them. Once they were out, the church offered me no support. I finally left that area and returned to the area I was raised. Of course, I brought the girls with me and offered my son to come with. He refused. He was 17 then, so I thought he was old enough to decide and I thought he was safe. I am not sure now.

I am so tired. I finally have a life with no abuse. But I also don’t have people in my life. Primarily the reason for this is that I have learned that I cannot select safe people and I would rather be alone than abused. I am grateful that the church I attend now is helping me.

I just don’t understand why my own children seem to be so unconcerned about my well-being. My heart is breaking 💔💔💔

My son, who is scripturally commanded to care for me, would rather sin than help me. And he’s a pastor! It’s such a mess. I really don’t understand. It makes me feel like a burden on this earth. I wish God would come take me soon. I will stay however long I must. But I am so sad. And struggling to find hope.

God is my strength and my shield. In Him will I trust.

My dear mother,

As someone who is working with elderly people, I am able to hear similar stories as yours. I think, based on the situation assisted living is not a bad idea or even a nursing home until you physically become better to take care of yourself.
Assisted living facility is not the end of the way and it is not something to be scared of. It is a hotel and you are on vacation from things that make you tired and old.
My dear mother, those are kids with only one side of the story and they are not willing to be open for your story.

I am sorry that you are going through hardship.

I am so sorry you are going through that. Even though it sounds like you did your best, do your kids think that you could have done something different and do they blame you? What I mean is, if you made amends (even though you didnt actually do something wrong) would that help things?

I have tried to discuss this very thing with them. They don’t want to talk about it. None of them. I have asked for forgiveness in writing and verbally from all of them several times. They have all claimed to forgive me. I have asked what I could do to make it better and been told there is nothing. They all seem to both understand my limitations and blame me for them, whichever is convenient at the moment.
I have had lifelong depression and also like feeling fibromyalgia so I had/have physical and psychological limitations on what I am able to do. As I age, the list of things I cannot do expands. But growing up they had a father who was largely uninterested unless they could benefit him directly and a mother (me) who loved them but was always struggling to manage life. I did show them love and kindness. I did teach them what was important in life. But I also cried often. And I would not participate in many social affairs. I did my share of yelling too. ☹️ So I do have things I regret. Many things. I have spoken to them about this and they respond positively. Thank you for the suggestion. Thank you also for wording it so gently.

I don't know if I can be of any help on this. In reading your post, it's something I can relate to a little bit. It seemed to "hit a cord" with me. Here it goes ....

At where I live now, it's over 3000 miles from my family. When I was in my early 30s, I lived with my parents and sister who is 11 years older than me. My sister, being older, feels like the boss if you know what I mean. At one point I lived with them for a couple of years in my early 30s. I felt like they treated me lousy; like I was in Jr. High. They were always critical, controlling, secretive, and abusive. At 33 I just had to leave because I couldn't stand it. I left and went over 3000 miles, to where I am now, and never went back.

My parents have passed away and my sister still lives in the same area. So this is getting to something that I can relate to now maybe about you. It's about my sister. Since my mother passed away 13 years ago (my father had already been gone), I never went to visit my sister. And I don't intend to anytime soon at least. I felt like she was the reason why I left because she sided with my parents a lot when they were treating me bad.

And now with my sister, she's married with two college aged children. Life back there is a real mess as she's in over $100,000 in debt, has a husband who's a jerk, and has all kinds of problems with the two kids. On top of that my sister doesn't call me very often, and when she does, she always has to hang up on me because there's some kind of crises going. Also she sounds very tired and falls asleep on me when we talk. So, my sister does not make it very appealing for me to want to come to visit. On top of that, she forgets that I left that place because I couldn't stand it.

So that's my take on this. I hope now in reading this that you don't see yourself as my sister.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, MDDBPDPTSD, and I'm so sorry you've been through all of this Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did the best you could. I believe you've been a wonderful mother. You gave them the most important thing that you could give them, which is unconditional love. You may have made some mistakes, but that only makes you human! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I'm so sorry you're not receiving any support IRL. You don't deserve to go through all of this! You don't deserve to suffer at all! I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given some great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can! I completely agree with mikimostar about considering assisted living or a nursing home if you can! I understand it's not an easy decision to make, but it may be a good option for you if you need to take good care of yourself! I'm so sorry your children aren't being supportive of you! Please don't feel guilty about it! Like I've said, you've tried your best. That's all you could do. I hope you'll be able to build a better relationship with them in the future. I hope things will get better soon for you and for them! Just take good care of yourself, ok? You deserve it and you've earned it! I hope things will get better soon for you and your children! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to write here as much as you need and want! We'll always be here for you and we'll never judge you! I promise you that! Keep fighting! Remember that you're an awesome, strong warrior! We all know that! We all believe in you! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as well! You deserve it! Please be kind to yourself! Sending many hugs to you, MDDBPDPTSD

I’m so sorry. Your story saddens me greatly. I suspect it’s also more common than you think. I don’t expect my daughter will ever take care of me or help me in any way if I need it. I consider the way she treats me now and I can only assume it will be the same or worse in 20 years. Maybe it will be better but I’m not counting on it. Like you, I made plenty of mistakes but I did make many sacrifices and I loved my daughter very much. I’ve been working on accepting things as they are with my daughter. I know how difficult this must be for you. I understand the heartbreak you must be feeling... not to mention the vulnerability. I urge you to explore all the resources available to you in your community. I think there are probably more options than you know about. Take good care of yourself. I am so sorry and I wish you all the very best.

Dear mother,

To leave abusive husband in '70s and '80s was courage that we nowadays can't understand because we have support by community resources and public opinion is changed. Back then, I tried to stay above water with no income, child support, and any other support. Your children are not able to be empathetic toward you because it is easier to judge than understand.

((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))