Week #6

Today I really wanted to call in sick but I feel obligated to go to work if im not really sick, but today im really struggling. Its the first time in 6 weeks, I could see the positive but I only see that im not ready, not rested and not restored enough to go back to work and face week 6. Im really struggling today and no chocolate in the world, routine or whatever would help. Im not ready, I dont want to go, I really dont, but I have no choice. Bad start for week #6...

I went to the grocery store and it lifted my spirit a bit... now back to work and cant wait to finish tonight...

I still feel im falling apart though.
Please, dont leave me alone. Someone be with me, please.

So i made it through today too, even though i was very lonely and scared i'd do something impulsive, or worse, irreparable and permanent.

luckily, not having had a single minute free (litterally because all my lunch break was spent at the grocery store and bringing food home) i havent had time to try/play/think/attempt anything. but i was really very very down and lonely. and i didnt have anyone i felt i could reach out to.

now i've made it, yes, i survived the day, but im back to seeing all the efforts i've made to achieve some sense of stability with creating a routine and positive thinking becoming worthless, meaningless and useless again. i knew it could happen, i knew it would happen but i didnt expect it to happen in such a sudden way and especially when nothing i can think of triggered it. maybe its mondays blue… i feel like i didnt enjoy or treasure enough this weekend and i needed more time at my parents and away from work. i would have wanted so much to call in sick but i couldnt. i dont want to lie and i dont want to go under the stress of making phone calls.

at work i did the very minimum required with a lot of pauses. i was totally elsewhere with my mind, all of the time. i hope i didnt make any mistakes but i really couldnt focus. all i could think of was that i was alone, hopeless, and back in the dark hole without knowing how or why and without having asked for it even though i often claim i do want it (and i really do but i also want to choose it, not have it happen out of the blue). not even the coworker (or thinking about him) could help me. it was like he was invisible today.

i ate a full packet of chocolate but it didnt help much. after eating, internally, i was feeling as emty or emptier than before. but yes, maybe it did help a bit, even though i should see it as a defeat since i didnt even get to 7 days chocolate free. but at least i skipped lunch.

now im soon going to sleep and i hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Dear Sinking,

Your efforts are not worthless. You probably just had some sort of self-critical thought, or thoughts, such as how you should have done this, you should have done that, that brought you down. You may not even be aware of them, they come so automatically.

Please, dear Sinking, try not to be so hard on yourself. Actually sounds to me as if you have many people your life who care about you.

Keep keeping in touch with me, OK?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking! Please don't give up! Things like this can happen! Don't let it bring you down! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all fo this! Some days can be worse than others, but I'm glad you were able to stay safe. That's a HUGE accomplishment! Please recognize that and be proud of yourself for getting through the day! You're a warrior like I always say! Please remember that! Please keep us updated and feel free to PM me anytime! You know I'll always be here for you! I'm sure everyone here on PC will be here for you! Mopey is already offering you some great support! I'm not sure if I'm doing the same, but if you need me, I'll be here for you, ok? Just try to take care of yourself and give yourself a reward for getting through this day! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Just don't give up, ok? Remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! We all know that and I hope you'll be able to recognize yourself as the truly strong and wonderful person that you truly are, because YOU ARE AWESOME, SINKING! Keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it! I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and for everyone! Please keep us updated! You know we all care about you and that we all love you here! You know we'll never judge you! I promise you that! Keep venting and writing here as much as you need and want! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my sweet friend! You're a strong, wonderful person! Please remember that! I'm sure you know that already, even if it's deep down! Believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! You're an awesome, strong warrior! Please remember that! Keep fighting!You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my friend

sinking

Thanks for answering and not abandoning me to myself.

I cant believe how bad this week is going (and not my fault). So today I came to work and next to my desk there was a girl and not the coworker I like (lets call him P). And among all the people working here they put next to me the girl I hate the most. Yes, places are assigned by bosses (totally ridiculous and unfair). And I usually dont mind anyone but a few times (like this one) I have an instintual feeling of dislike for someone and it happened with the girl they put next to me. They got to ruin the only thing that gave me some pleasure when at work ( having P next to me). I feel like crying, everything is going wrong. I hate them, whoever decided this, I hate this girl, I hate this work, I hate this life. Im so mad and depressed. How will I survive this week? How can I go on like this?

I know this minimum change in daily life at work may sound a silly thing to provoke in me such a reaction, but the only positive thing about this job was the people i met there and especially lately, P. now, as always, as soon as something/someone becomes only a bit important to me and making me appreciate them/my life, they take it away from me. im so tired and disappointed from this happening over and over all the time im doing a little bit better and appreciating what i do have instead of tormenting myself with what i dont have/havent had/will not have.

this girl is not bad really, but i hate her accent, her way of talking, her way of dressing, her way of moving…. as if all the world was spinning around her, and at the same time she reminds me of myself a little bit. i cant stand her for all these things. but i especially hate hearing her talk. and im forced to hearing her talk all day long. what a torture is this?

i have contacted my T just to let someone know its a bad day. i was feeling so positive and kind of almighty only 1 week ago... now im totally powerless again. i'll see my T tomorrow...

So tonight after work i came home and gave in and drank. not much, but enough to help a bit. it was a few months i wasnt doing it.

im tired of feeling im being punished by life or whoever/whatever for any little moment of wellness i get (not even happiness - just being ok-ish).

i cant even look at the girl next to me, im afraid she'd see hate in my eyes. i did tell my boss i was upset by the change but she brushed it off as me being childish. nobody gets how much these little things of rountine and details are important to me. its what im clinging to to survive, since i have nothing else in life but this… i feel so alone, misunderstood and belittled. they dont have a clue of how much im fighting each and every day just to breathe and stay alive.

Too bad about the change at work, Sinking. Things like that can feel like the last straw, sometimes.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I understand things seem pretty bad right now, but just remember that if you've felt good or even just ok just one week ago it measn that you CAN do it and that you CAN feel better! You've just proved it to yourself and it can certainly happen again! Please try to hang on to that thought as much as you can if it helps! Things CAN and WILL get better! I promise you that! You can do this! You've got this! I'm so sorry your coworker wasn't there with you and I'm so sorry your boss didn't listen to you and understand you! He hasn't been kind at all! Is your coworker still there at the workplace? If he is, perhaps you can try to talk to him during lunch breaks or whenever you can if you can and want to! I feel like that may help you a bit! If he's not there, perhaps you could try to ask your boss where he is and if you can contact him in some way, at least to get his phone number or any other way to keep in touch! You can even make up some excuse if you need and want. You may say that you need to give something very important to him or something similar. Anything that may help you to keep in touch with him in some way! Anything that may help you feel a little bit less lonely! I understand it must not be easy for you, but give it a try if you can! Just keep trying your best like you're already doing, don't overwork yourself and just do what you CAN do or FEEL LIKE DOING! No need to overwork yourself! Just take all the time you need to do what you need to do! Just take it one step at the time! Just take baby steps! Remember that there's no need to hurry! If you're still struggling, remember to look forward to the weekend when you'll be able to see your parents again! Perhaps you may try to arrange something tomorro or whenever you or they have time to do so! Anything that may help you! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! You'll NEVER be alone here and we'll ALWAYS be here for you! Please remember that! We'll never abandon you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, sinking! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at al, certainly not you! Keep fighting! Remember that you're an awesome, strong warrior because YOU ARE! Please remember that! We all believe in you! Please try to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Keep fighting and NEVER give up because you're MUCH, MUCH stronger than you realize and think you are! Trust me and all of us especially here on PC when we say that!

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE USUAL PC LAYOUT??? THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. I DONT DO WELL WITH CHANGES AT ALL. I HATE THIS ONE! IT WAS SO COMFORTING TO BEING USED TO THE SAME LAYOUT DURING ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEEN HERE. I HAVE GONE THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES LATELY (BIG AND SMALL ONES, CHOOSEN OR NOT) BUT THIS ONE IS VERY UPSETTING TO ME . JUST ANOTHER THING GOING WRONG TODAY

Anyway.

Work at least was ok-ish i guess (i keep doing my best but the minimum required and with a lot of pauses, so that i dont get too tired, i dont make avoidable mistakes and i dont go crazy), except for P being far from me and having the new girl next to me. i dont even look at her and i dont even talk to her. maybe im being totally impolite but i even barely greet her at all in fear she sees my hate towards her in my eyes or in my tone of voice . but i do respond to her if she greets me first (she barely does that too). at least that, yes, i do it.

Then i had T and i have been venting to her about this change at work, about this firl and why the decided this way, about P, about my weight, my neighbors, about my sudden internal change since monday when i woke up totally different from the day before. it was a chemical-physical change in my mind. im sure of that. nothing that i can reverse with my will. it is irreversible.

counting the days, my exT got to change me internally for 23 days. i owe it to Him. but now im back at square one and nothing i have done differently during this period can make any difference now. except for some sort of routine, its all destroyed. and except for the last weekend not going as i wished (but still being free of doing what i wanted), i cant come up with any realistical reason except tapering the meds is finally (?) kicking in. what bothers me is that i didnt have a switch to click on to choose when it would happen. it happened. end of story.

we also talked about P and how i felt he didnt mind the change at work meaning he wont miss me. it also came up how i can only see people abandoning me for one reason or another. sooner or later everyone leaves me, and more often than not im left wondering why since we never really have a fight to explain it, its just all left to a slow increase of indifference. it hurts a lot. i told T i was thinking about asking P to join him for an icecream when he goes for it on saturdays but im too afraid of rejection to ask for real. its just a thought. but this very thought and the reaction at the change at work have forced me to admit that even if i didnt want it, i do like him a bit and i do care about him a bit. not much but a bit yes. and i dont like even that bit. i want to feel untouchable by everything and everyone not to fall into pieces when im abandoned or rejected because thats what always happens to me and i cant take it anymore.

after T i went home, took a shower and my parents came at my home to help me with some works that needed to be done. my dad was tense and bossing us around and my mom and i put up with it. i also did a few things that i was keeping putting off because i wasnt sure how to proceed but i made it and im proud for having accomplished something myself (with my parents' push). in the end, we are not finished with the stuff that we needed to do yet, but we did accomplish a lot and i thanked them inviting them to stay for dinner and buying them a pizza. we then finally had a good relaxed time.

best news is today is not day #7 chocolate-free but its day #1 chocolate-obsession free. finally!!!

only 2 more days at work and then i hope i'll get to pend a better weekend at my parents. i'll do all i can to make it better and treasure it and be satisfied with it on monday. working on what to tell exT when i see him in 15 days can wait the weekend and i WILL have enough time to get prepared to it. i have to. i will.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I believe it is NOT irreverseble! You've felt good one week ago and you CAN and WILL feel good again! I promise you that, sinking! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Please don't feel ashamed for caring about someone else! Emotions are perfectly human and normal! I'd say just accept it and embrace it! There's nothing, I repeat NOTHING wrong with your and with what you're feeling. Your feeling are ALWAYS valid! I'm glad that you were able to see your parents, your therapist and to NOT eat chocolate for today! I'm not sure if you realize just HOW MUCH you're accomplishing and doing despite struggling so much! That just PROVES that you're an awesome, strong warrior and that you can achieve EVERYTHING you want, sinking! There's NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING, that you can't do that others can, sinking! You can do everything you want! I hope you'll be able to see yourself as the strong, wonderful person that you truly are! I'm really happy that you're going to see your ex therapist soon! I hope he'll be able to help you as much as you both can! You DESERVE to get better and to feel good! You DESERVE to live an happy and fulfillinf life just like everyone else does! Please keep us updated as much as you can, sinking! You know we'll always be here for you! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write as much as you need and want here! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Keep fighting! Remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as much as we do in you and that you'll be able to see yourself as the strong, wonderful person that you truly are, becaure YOU ARE, SINKING! YOU ROCK, SINKING! Keep fighting! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, sinking, my sweet friend. Please keep us updated as much as you can

Hello Sinking, dear, please hang in there. From what I've read, you're not the only one who doesn't welcome the changes to the format here. I was a bit taken aback when I logged onto my iPhone this morning and said to myself, "Am I lost?" But I suppose that's life in the computer age. The minute you get used to a website and learn how to navigate around they decide to "improve" it. Urghh! Aargh!

And Mickey is right. You felt good before, you have it in you to feel good again. Don't give up. Buona Notte!

Thank you for your support!

Today was a better day, but of course not thanks to me. i guess its my T. she seems to care and be able to do more than i thought. and more than i think a T should, but since its all at my advantage i'll overlook these thoughts and just be thankful to her.

what seems to have happened is that she called my supervisor this morning, they fixed and appt next week with the human resources and all of us to talk about me and how my work is going on (we agreed long time ago we would keep updated every few months) and (i can only suppose), she mentioned to my supervisor how bad i took the change of desks, because afterwards i saw the girl next to me and P exchange desks and all became as before.

i couldnt help but feel a lot of joy internally and i also caught myself smiling. smiling like an idiot. i told P i was happy to have him back next to me and he answered he was happy too. we didnt get to talk much more during the rest of he day but i was happy to have him next to me and my whole vision of my job switched back to being ok and not a nightmare as it was when i had that girl next to me. time didnt pass quicker or slowlier at work, but i was happy, as happy as i was last week.

nothing has really changed since i still feel different from last week but at least i now have back the only reason i could go to work and not think i was going to hell. how much can having the right person next to me change how i feel??? its so weird for me. im not used to these feelings and these reactions. i hope this does not mean im in love because i dont want to but… having a friend… having a squish… would be the best thing happening to me since a long time.

this was the best news. but i have something else: early this morning, i again was woken up by my neighbors yelling as loud as never before and without thinking much and out of anger i knocked on the wall that separates us and they lowered their tones. before today, i was so scared of doing this because i was afraid of consequences (like being reprimanded by the mom) but instead it was a positive thing that happened mostly out of my control (i was half awake only) and had a positive outcome. now i know that next time it happens im "allowed" to do that again. and it works!

More positives: for lunch i cooked something new and it was delicious! and always during lunch break, i also got to go get gas for my car so now im free from the worry of running out of gas.

two negatives of today:

1) rethinking about yesterday night, as i was climbing down the stairs out of my flat with my parents to accompany them at their car, i got to see how really old they are getting. they were climbing down the stairs REALLY as old people do. i was probably in denial about it but they really are getting old. and not just old, old with a lot of true physical issues and limitations. my mom is almost 68 and will have to have surgery at her knees. my dad is 73 and has a rare disease that makes him walking very difficult. they are always the same in their minds (thankfully!) but their body show something i was not prepared to see. you know, its easy to not see or pretend to not see it when the only place i see them is at home and they both mostly are always sat somewhere. it was very different seeing them climbing those stairs…. i dont want them to get old!!!

2) back to work issues, i work in the first line (of desks), right in front of my supervisors, so that they can hear all what i say if they want to listen, and lately i keep being reprimanded for what i say and how i say things. it mostly happens when i go to them for help, they suggest me what to say, i repeat things as i understood them to people on the phone, but then my supervisors call me back saying i did not report the information in the right way or with the right tone. i truly dont see much difference between what they say to me and what i repeat to people but instead they keep repeating i slightly misreport infos. that i must pay more attention to the message i convey, to the tone etc. but how can i do it if i dont see the difference when im talking on the phone and only understand what the supervisors mean after they make me notice?

this way i do not only feel incompetent (because i keep asking things to them) but even stupid for not being able to say things as they want me to say them. i think im pretty good with words, but maybe not. maybe only when i write and not when i speak. i've always been a quiet type and often people have told me im offensive with my candidly saying the truth of what i think, so maybe i lack experience in expressing myself with spoken words, but im not sure i can learn that. "direct and honest" it the best and only way i know how to speak. if it is impolite, offensive or bad of me, what can i do? its the truth!!! sugarcoating is not something i like, i admire or i want to learn. i try to be sensitive but when i do it, it only means i keep quiet and not say what i think, i just keep my mouth shut. or at the very best i support what the other is saying even if i dont agree. sugarcoating has no meaning to me, it actually is a lot like lying. good subject for next T session!

I'm really happy to hear all of these positive things, sinking! I've told you that things WILL get better again, even if it is just one step at the time, but they WILL! I'm really happy that P is sitting next to you again! I'm really happy that you've found at least one person that you like being around with at work! I'm sure you'll be able to talk a bit more next time! Even if you don't, that's perfectly ok! Good on you for standing up for yourself with your neighbors and for cooking something new! Be proud of yourself for that! These are all VERY IMPORTANT steps that you're taking and that will be helpful in the future, especially when you feel down and if you'll feel like you can't make it! You'll always be able to look back at moments like this and tell to yourself that YOU CAN DO THIS! You know you can, we all know you can! We all believe in you and I hope that you'll be able to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! I understand what you mean about your parents! Unfortunately aging is something we have to learn to deal with since we can't fully control it! I'm sure your parents will accept this as well! Perhaps they have accepted it as well! Just try to enjoy as much time as you can with them and make them understand how IMPORTANT they are with you! That's the best thing that you can do as their daughter and I'm sure they'll appreciate it a lot! Remember that THEY LOVE YOU! Please don't be so hard on yourself for your work! You're trying to do the best you can! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! I'm really happy that things are getting a bit better with your therapist! I hope you'll be able to talk about all of this with him/her! I'm really happy that he/she's helping you out so much! You deserve to get better and to feel good! You deserve to live an happy, fulfilling life just like everyone else does! Please keep us updated as much as you can! I believe all of this and keeping this diary is really helping you out a lot more than you think! Sending many hugs to you, sinking! Remember that we all love you here on PC!

(((((((((( Sinking ))))))))))

So far, today is a pretty good day. nothing much positive and nothing much negative. work was ok. i was always glad about having P next to me, we did even exchange a few words and i got to deduce he doesnt seem to have a gf, a wife or kids. and he doesnt seem to have many friends either. maybe only one like me. thats good. im tempted next time to take the next step and asking him to join him for an icecream on weekends. but in addition to fear of rejection im kind of disappointed he doesnt take any initiative. he is always polite and gentle and seems genuinely happy to see me but i dont know… do i really need to always be the one to ask stuff to get to know him better and eventually in the end asking him out even if just for an icecream? maybe he doesnt want a gf or even a friend like me. maybe he's just not interested in hanging out with someone new like me. but i must admit im happier at work when he's there and i miss him even when he's only on a break.

anyway, during lunch break i got to go at the insurance place and sign a few paperworks and when i got home i found they had finally delivered the couch i had bought 2 months ago. my dad was there to let them in since i was at work. im quite happy about the couch. and im glad and thankful to my dad for always helping me with practical stuff. he's not good with feelings but i know he loves me even if we almost never hug or say i love you.

now im going to go back to work and tonight i'll hang out and have dinner with my friend. then finally… WEEKEND! and i hope i'll get to really enjoy it this time. next weekend i wont have the chance to, since i'll have to attend that course again. so i better fully enjoy this one!!!

have a nice weekend to all of you!

I'm really happy that things are going well for you, sinking, and that you're feeling a bit better! I understand what you mean about P, but perhaps he's just shy! I understand it's not easy to take the first step but I'm sure he'll get more comfortable with you if you try to speak to him! Definitely try to invite him over for an ice cream next time if you can and want! I'm sure he'll be grateful for your offer! Even if he's not interested, at least you'll find out right away and at least you'll be able to spend some time with someone you like! You've got nothing to lose! Just try it! Go for it! I'm glad things are going ok with your parents and your friend as well! Definitely try to enjoy this weekend as much as you can! Of course we'll be here for you as well if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime if you need support! You know I'll always be here for you and never abandon you! We all care about you here! We all love you here! I'm sure you know that! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need and want! You know we'll never judge you! I promise you that! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend! YOU'RE AN AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! YOU ROCK, MY FRIEND! :love