Just talking

MtnTime2896 · Jun 10, 2019, 11:04 AM

I don't feel I can be helped. More so, I have a hard time with the idea that I'd even deserve it. It's gotten to this point of aversion to anything that can help me. Dentist appointment? Find a reason to cancel, I deserve this tooth pain. Oncology? I don't really give a **** whether or not my cancer's back, so why go, obviously I don't deserve the help because I'm so ungrateful. Shower? Be filthy like I deserve. Eat? Not more than I need to stay awake because I'm selfish and ungrateful and I don't provide for myself, therefore I don't deserve to pick the fruits of another's labor.

I sleep(ish), I smoke and get some work done. Every day. I hate how little I do, I hate how little I interact with anyone, I hate how irritable I am and I can't hate that all of this hatred changes nothing. All of this anger goes nowhere. It just sits and waits. I feel consumed by overwhelming negativity that won't diminish. Where do I start to make this better? I don't even understand why it's happening. Am I becoming what I grew up with? Am I just another piece of **** who's a byproduct of pieces of ****? That's all I feel I am. I'm always so terrified I might lose control and hurt someone, so then I want to hurt myself but I don't. I just keep self-punishing apparently, like I'm a ****ing addict to misery and can't break away from the habits.

I'm only still here for my girlfriend. There's no ****ing point to life. I just don't want to die because she wouldn't be with me when I wake up on the other side. If you wake up, I'm not sure. If I can't wake up to her, I would have nothing left to care about. I would have absolutely no pleasure in my life.