[ConfusedBench]

So, for the past few years I've been stuck in a rut that I've never quite been able to climb out of. I often just feel numb, like, not happy but not really sad. I almost always feel really tired, even if I get enough sleep. My body just feels like some big heavy thing I have to drag around all day. Usually I try and put on a happy face for the sake of those around me, but I occasionaly get tearful and can't stop crying despite feeling nothing, which is really embarrassing.

But then I look and see that there are loads of people way worse than me and people who have way more reason to be down in the dumps. All in all, my life is pretty good. Surely my mood can't plummet just because of some bad maths teachers? I sometimes feel like I'm about to crack under some sort of stress and pressure, and I want to get help, but I know there are many people way more needing and deserving of help than me. I don't self harm aside from occasionally hitting my head alot or scratching my forehead for being stupid and I'm not suicidal. I sometimes think about it but I rarely seriously consider it. So there are plenty of people in a worse boat than me.

I once read about high functioning depression/pdd/dysthymia and it sounded so much like me. But I keep doubting whether I've been depressed enough for long enough to actually have it.

Another thing that makes it harder to get help is my parents. I try to tell them about my issue, but they just pass it off as teenage angst. It might be that, but just about everyone else my age I know is way happier than I am. I try to get the attention of my teachers but no one seems to notice my cries for help.

Possible trigger:

I sometimes consider not quite killing myself in some way so I don't die but I can get my point across so maybe I can get some proper help.

But I'm probably just being selfish. I just don't know. I'd get in touch with the school councillor but they have a massive waiting list and I'd feel awkward asking.

Sorry for venting a bit.

[WarriorFitness94]

I totally feel the same. Being someone who has been dealing with depression for over 12 years (I'm 25 and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at 14, but to be a "disorder" you have to have been dealing for at least 2 years), I have a feeling you are dealing with something similar. With my depression, I don't feel sad. I feel completely empty. Nothing sounds fun, I want to sleep literally all the time, and I just don't care about anything. And I also didn't feel like there was a lot of care about my mental health from family. All I can say is that I'm glad you are here and I would get on the waiting list. Research. Do everything you can do to help make yourself feel better until you can get in front of a counselor of some kind. I went to therapy when I was younger and it did help alot. You may feel this way because there is a chemical reaction in your brain that blocks the serotonin from getting absorbed. Depression doesn't always come from experiences, it can, but lot always. Sometimes it's just our brain saying that there is something wrong. And if that's the case, it's an easy fix. Don't lose hope and keep bringing the issue up until someone takes you seriously. I know that mental illness is taken less seriously than a physical illness or disability but it's just, if not more, debilitating. Sometimes people forget because they can't "see" what's wrong. But it doesn't mean it's not there. The only way to let them know is to keep bringing it up. I hope this helps.

[puzzclar]

I was 17 when I was first diagnosed. I finally understood why it happened years later (I'm 31). After understanding and seeing that who are parents are can trigger disorders. It is something that some can heal from (at least that's what I tell myself). From what you described, you need to seek help. And stop comparing yourself to others. (I know easier said than done). I saught help after the 3 months after my first suicidal thought. It was only a thought, but I was hurting and did not understand why. For me, it was how cold my dad was and continues to be and how codependent my mother is that triggered the depression. Yes, suicidal thoughts are hard to handle but they can be dealt with before they trigger more obstacles.

And welcome to PsychCentral(PC). I hope you enjoy your time here and can vent openly here and receive support. If you need something, reach out which does help.

[ConfusedBench]

Update: I am now on the waiting list for counselling at school. I found the time after I avoided a school assembly due to anxiety about diseases. Finally decided I should stop procrastinating and try and get some help.