this is starting to be an ... endless cycle...

I keep thinking... I must be imagining things. It must be stress. It must be ??????? It will all go away...

-.-

But no... the cycle is even accelerating. I know it's finals. I know its major stress time. But I've always been able to deal with stress in the past... not always. But when I look back it's just gotten progressively harder. Again, thoughts come to mind that it could be just that my life has gotten more stressful, but then I realize that if I weren't feeling down, and basically unable to focus for a day, two days, etc... the stress would be way down. I'd be done with my work. I'd get so much farther... I just don't know. And now... there REALLY isn't that much stress... I actually have a lot of free time. But all that time is filled with these... bad moments

I was happy for a wonderful day, or maybe two, last week... I had a horrible moment and then a friend made me smile... the next day was so nice. Almost normal, except I was so drained from the days before it. Then bang... that lack of feelings... that horrible nothingness and worried feelings...
and Thursday night... i cried for the first time in a year or two,... couldn't get to sleep stayed up so late I HAD to fall asleep. The next morning no emotions whatsoever again... and I can't cry anymore *back to normal* it's just been so bumpy.

But I'm still afraid to tell anyone... I KNOW mentally that that's a major problem... but just like I isolate myself and hide in my room on a normal basis... I just can't tell people.
I'm considering going to the school therapist sessions... but... I'm afraid someone will see me go in, or that I'll clam up completely in the session...

thanks for letting me rant..

hi turquoise

i had to go to the mental health clinic for meetings and meds for awhile, it was really embarrassing at the time..

i'd talk to myself on the drive over, checking the mirrors for people who might know me.... then pull into the driveway lying to myself "i'm just here to pick up a friend" (in case anyone saw me)...

it became easier over time... its winter where you are isnt it? extra cover with the coat... get one with a hood, even better...

whatever gets you inside....

well it's kinda IN the building o.o
as in... in the dorms themselves... I looked up where it is... and it's like... next to a mainstream hallway... and seeable by the central minicourtyard...
there's another spot that's a bus ride away... like 25 minute one way bus... on main campus... if i had to go regularly... i dunno though.

and ya it's winter it's snowing right now ^^

i started to lose my embarrassment when my cousins wife, unabashadly, stated he was manic depressive to family, others... no shame attached... i think thats the best approach but i know its hard..

are they walk-in sessions?

maybe you could hang around the session entrance, find someone entering, and make a new friend? tell them you're interested but shy... with luck, they'll help?

you can work it out if you really want to do it Turquoise... the repeating cycle is a scary place, but i think you know a few things about depression...

ive thought about that cycle some, try this... the cycle is a rythmic cycle right? it rises and falls... builds and releases...

if the moods associated were good feelings, that wouldnt be so bad right?

i think a lot of us try to end the cycle, when really, we only want to change the mood of the cycle...

even when we're happy we get tired and need to unwind from stress...

best wishes...

thanks for the posts :P

you know, i get to feeling like i talk too much at times... i do hope you're feling better Turquoise, you deserve to... you're helpful and kind to others... i cant think of any way better way to behave, except, in the process, pay attention to you... and let us know so we can return your care... (((((((Turquoise)))))

((((((((Turquoise)))))
Sounds like your under way to much pressure. The best way you can step back from all the problems and be able to deal with them is to get some counselling. I have gone many times when I could not handle things alone. And there is nothing to be embarrassed about, in fact it is better not to even think of it that way. Going to get help or asking for help is a strength. It is something to be proud of. For so many people never go, thus never help themselves; out of fear of what others may think. If you want to get better then going is a big A plus. And if you need to go again, it will be a positive, not a negative decision. I will keep you in my prayers as you strive to get better.

Even if I understand your concerns, I'd suggest that you focus on te hugeness and gravity of montal health problems. On the amount of pain you are being inflicted. It is not a good idea to dwell on, but you should be able to minimize something trivial as others' opinion in front of your respectable illness!

However suffering, I am speking loud to the world "I have depressive problems" (sound better than "I have depression") and no matter how many eyebrows they can raise. I'll talk about my antidepressants and my psychiatrist. And to the hell ignorance and prejudice. I'm too sick to care about such crap.

This is the only positive attitude you can get from depression, try if you can get it.

The best of luck