[primitiv]

I don't actually have depression (not diagnosed, anyway) but this seemed the most appropriate forum to post on. So long story short, I've had vaginismus (apparently psychological in origin) for as long as I can remember, and last year I was diagnosed with it after I finally went to the gyno. He prescribed me with fluoxetine (Prozac) and going to therapy. Therapy felt like the worst of chores but I went for a bit over a year until I felt there was nothing to discuss anymore and I felt too annoyed by it.

Regardless, once I left I also had one 'last' visit to the gyno and he said that I would keep taking fluoxetine until I was done with what I had (something like that, anyway). I still have some pills left but I decided to stop taking them after a few months of that last visit. This is because I wanted to see if there was any real changes if I were to stop taking them after I run out. I could get another appointment but I don't want to have to go to this man and tell him that I *need* Prozac, and I most definitely don't want to tell my mom I'm gonna make an appointment with the gyno after I was done because she'll only get worried and what I hate the most is making my parents worry, I avoid that at all costs. My dad doesn't even know I've been going to therapy, taking Fluoxetine, going to the gyno, or have vaginismus. And even with my mom, I'd rather not tell her that I want to keep taking prozac of all things, let alone ''need'' to take it. So it's been a few weeks since I stopped taking them, and I have noticed I've started to become less afraid of death (as I used to be for a long time, pretty much since childhood) and more --I guess-- curious about it, and curious about suicide in particular. I've had thoughts of what suicide would be like before throughout my life, but I tended to frame them in a tragic way because I think of what my parents would feel and such. Nowadays, I'm 21 and my parents are starting to retire and I'm feeling the weight of their impending death. They had me at 40 and 47, so they will most likely die while I'm rather young, and I just can't stop thinking about it. I also can't stop thinking about how if they die I might have nothing to stop me from suicide except the fear of failing and being disfigured or what have you. The last weeks this has been consuming almost all my free time. Researching about suicides, places where people commit suicide, even watching a few live videos here and there. And if I'm not googling I'm just thinking about it or writing poems or writing bits of stories that revolve around suicide.

However, what is likely the main thing that drives me to that thought is the fact that I'm very easily ashamed. And I don't just mean embarrassed. I've had this issue with shame for a long time. I feel shame/guilt after watching porn, or spending too long masturbating, generally when I feel I am doing nothing productive, I feel shame about the fact that I'm currently with no job. I'm not done with college, but the thought of my parents still maintaining me after college because I wouldn't be able to get more than a part-time or minimum wage after I graduate worries me everyday because I would feel embarrassed towards them and towards anyone who I knew or would meet. I also feel shame about having vaginismus and wanting treatment because it follows that the treatment is just so that I can have sex (or more specifically be penetrated) and I don't like to think of myself as lustful or have anyone perceive me that way, even if it's just my gyno or what have you.

And I also feel another type of general shame. I can't describe it in any way other than *general* shame. If I had to define it I'd say it's just the shame of being who I am at all. Or the way I am. Sometimes I think I might be a bad person and that is why I have few friends. I don't have issues with my appearance, not other people's either. But I do judge people by their personalities a lot, and that's led me to worry that I am in fact That Asshole that I complain about in others. That I am rude, unkind, condescending or an unpleasant mixture of similar things. I'm not sure there's anything that can prove me completely wrong or completely right about whether or not I have a nice personality, because both people who like and dislike me are unreliable, and to my dismay people who like me also have commented things about me that make me think I do have a rather harsh way of being. And as of late I've been thinking that if I am in fact, a bad person, and if there was a way for me to be certain of it, I probably would commit suicide out of shame.

This is possibly the most honest and direct about myself I've been through text, so I'm not sure what to ask now. I guess the question is whether there's anyone else with similar issues, because what I've been mentioning seems so specific. I've googled a few things about shame here and there, but since there's no disorder or anything relating to it I can't quite find a forum or anything of the sort.

Okay, I'm pretty tired but I'd like to help. If you took prozac for months and quit, you'd likely relapse into depression until your brain can adjust. It's your decision but I think you should do some of your own research on vaginimitus. Think I spelled that right. How could an anti depressant help with that? Your dad doesn't need to know. You are in college so do you have some direction where you want to go?

College isn't for everyone, if you don't find purpose, maybe think about what you'd really get some enjoyment out of for work. You're parents had you at an older age, so you are worried maybe about being alone. It's hard to make good friends these days, I'm much older but i feel the quality of life in general is enough to make people depressed.

Please stop searching suicide methods. This is only keeping the thoughts swirling in your mind.

Some people do not enjoy spiritual teachers. But I do like to recommend listening to Eckhart Tolle on youtube. His actual channel is better than people who post copies. You can add "depression", "anxiety", to his name on youtube and you may like it or not.

Best wishes. Oh, Eckhart also deals with guilt and shame.

[primitiv]

Originally Posted by 2daffodils

Okay, I'm pretty tired but I'd like to help. If you took prozac for months and quit, you'd likely relapse into depression until your brain can adjust. It's your decision but I think you should do some of your own research on vaginimitus. Think I spelled that right. How could an anti depressant help with that? Your dad doesn't need to know. You are in college so do you have some direction where you want to go?

College isn't for everyone, if you don't find purpose, maybe think about what you'd really get some enjoyment out of for work. You're parents had you at an older age, so you are worried maybe about being alone. It's hard to make good friends these days, I'm much older but i feel the quality of life in general is enough to make people depressed.

Please stop searching suicide methods. This is only keeping the thoughts swirling in your mind.

Some people do not enjoy spiritual teachers. But I do like to recommend listening to Eckhart Tolle on youtube. His actual channel is better than people who post copies. You can add "depression", "anxiety", to his name on youtube and you may like it or not.

Best wishes. Oh, Eckhart also deals with guilt and shame.

I've done my research on vaginismus for a while before I went to the gyno. To my understanding it is a 'psychosomatic' disorder (at least when it's not caused by any physical factors as is my case) so I guess that's why he prescribed it.

My dad doesn't *need* to know, but the fact that I'm actively hiding something rather big from him has been causing me a bit of anxiety ever since the treatment started.

I do like college. The problem is thinking about what I'll do after that. I actually feel rather safe in education and haven't had a job before, so I'm worried about whether it would be hard for me to find one after I graduate.

Thanks for the recommendation, I will check it out

[Skeezyks]

Hello primitiv: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the coping with emotions forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

You might also find the health support, as well as the Women-Focused Support forum, to be of interest:

https://psychcentralforums.com/health-support/

https://psychcentralforums.com/women-focused-support/

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. And I can't help but wonder if you feel you know what has brought you to the unhappy place you are now. I know you mentioned you went to therapy for a bit over a year until you felt there was nothing left to discuss. However, given the fact that you're struggling the way you are, I have to wonder if you really did discuss everything there was to discuss. Is it possible you discussed everything you felt you could discuss with that therapist? Perhaps that therapist wasn't the best mental health professional for you? (Not every therapist works well with every client. It can take time to find the right T for you.) Your constant worry regarding your parents & this overwhelming sense of shame you're carrying, to say nothing of your suicidal thoughts, suggest to me there is a lot more for you to talk about in therapy than perhaps you yourself even realize at this point... or perhaps want to face. (I know something about this myself.)

Here's a link to an article on the subject of resistance in therapy:

15 Ways You Are Resisting Therapy or Recovery | Caregivers, Family & Friends

Here are links to 10 additional articles from Psych Central's archives. The first 5 are on the subject of toxic shame. Then there are 2 on the topic of feeling bad about yourself. The next link is to an article that discusses how to like yourself more. And the last 2 articles deal with the subject of suicidal thinking. (Oh, & by the way, please do stop searching the internet for articles & videos on the subject of suicide!):

What is Toxic Shame?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...chronic-shame/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/buildi...o-shame/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/shame-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...elf-regularly/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/breaki...ds-of-badness/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...ing-mechanism/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit. Please take care...

[primitiv]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello primitiv: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the coping with emotions forum. Here's a link:

Thank you. To be honest now and in hindsight, I guess a part of my annoyance with therapy is that I never felt fully at ease with my therapist. Now that I read that article of resisting therapy I realize I did more than a few of those things not to have to face some issues. To be fair though, I had discussed many 'traumas' with her that she wanted me to go over and over with and it felt so pointless because at some point I just felt there was nothing to add. I have to admit though, I might have left certain smaller events out just out of sheer shame, or because I felt ridiculous mentioning them as a traumatic event. I know therapists aren't supposed to judge you, but I did feel somewhat judged. Not sure if it was me being who I am or something on her part.

Thanks for the other links, I have also checked them out!