Depressed due to turning 30 and still being single and a virgin

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable and unattractive due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello LundiHvalursson: Well... I'm not a woman. So I'm not one of the members you want to hear from here on PC. But I noticed this is your first post & you had yet to receive a reply. So I thought I would at least welcome you to Psych Central.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of soulmates plus 1 on the subject of on-line dating:

8 Ways to Find Yourself Before Looking for Your Soulmate

How to Make a Soul Mate Relationship

Making the Most of Online Dating — Despite the Disadvantages

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

That great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

I don't think the virgin thing would be that bad but, I think the above might be. Personally I once worked on a project gathering doctors records and you would be shocked, SHOCKED at how many people are virgins -- for just this reason. There is nothing wrong with them their life just went in different directions.

I am watching a tv show (based on a book) about being a teen in the 1970s and I realize now probably why my life was so difficult... because I didn't do what they did, try to socialize in high school. I thought things would unfold for me naturally when I became an adult but if I didn't do the experimenting in high school and college, they didn't. This show btw actually has two girls determined to "get it over with" gosh where was I during these rituals? I was home studying and assumed everyone else was too.

I think being an introvert is kind of seriously difficult for a guy. Especially over a certain age. Most girls do not want to have to be the aggressor so they are waiting for you and, if you don't step up, nothing is going to happen. It makes it even more difficult in the "me too" generation.

I just feel like you need to try harder and devote more time to finding the right girl. If you find the right girl I assure you she won't care. (actually maybe look for an older lady).

I assured you that if anyone ever been shamed for being a virgin it was me because my oldest sister felt that she need to tell my store manager,my assistant manager and all of my coworker that I am a virgin even though I was in my early twenties. But when I look at everyone around me I told myself I happy to be one because everyone around me were all unstable and their relationship weren't great and they were jealous of something that I had.

No need to worry.Just start now and keep looking.You will find someone.

They say that when you are not looking is when you find someone.

I am not a woman either so I'm afraid my advice is not going to be really useful to you. But yes, I COMPLETELY agree with what ALL the other WISE and WONDERFUL posters have already WISELY and WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! KEEP FIGHTING! It is certainly not easy to meet other women who may be interested in dating after a certain age, but that doesn't mean that it's imposibble! There are PLENTY of men and women who go on dates in their Forties and Fifties. You're DEFINITELY not alone in this, so please NEVER give up HOPE! I hope you'll find the RIGHT PERSON for you! KEEP LOOKING AND KEEP FIGHTING! Sometimes the RIGHT PERSON IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER when you least expect it! DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP FIGHTING Please NEVER give up Hope! KEEP FIGHTING! Keep looking wherever you can. Dating sites, clubs... ALL of these things! I feel like the BEST starting place may be your own interests and hobbies and perhaps join some Activities and Clubs where you can meet MANY more like-minded people! I am sure you have thought about this already, but PLEASE give it a try if you haven't! KEEP FIGHTING! Please be REALLY kind to yourself! There's NOTHING wrong with you! You just need a little more practice but hopefully things will get easier once you get the ball rolling! DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP FIGHTING! You may also want to consider a Therapist so that He/She will be able to teach you some SOCIAL SKILLS that are certainly FUNDAMENTAL when it comes to dating! I believe there are also PLENTY of books on the subject so please take a look at them if you wish to do so! KEEP FIGHTING! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you need Advice And Support or even simply SOMEONE TO TALK TO! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY HELP YOU OUT AS WELL IF YOU JUST ASK FOR HELP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @LundiHvalursson, Your Family, Your Friends And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Please do keep fighting and do keep rocking AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN like you're already WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN! Please be REALLY kind to yoursel, MY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, KIND, GENEROUS, SWEET, RESOURCEFUL, WISE AND WONDERFUL FRIEND! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMEBR THAT YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WISE AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL BECAUSE THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU AT THE MOMENT! KEEP FIGHTING!

That is really great advice.

What is it you are doing to meet people?

There is not much opportunity just "naturally" meeting people here, so I attend meetups. One is a Europeans gathering and the others are a foreign language meetup and a general socialising event.

Since my hobbies are very introverted and based on being alone, e.g. chess and foreign languages, I have to attend these meetups to actually meet people.

I am a woman and I find that fact of being a virgin, as a good thing. Sex should be saved for a committed relationship! I made the mistake of letting a guy take advantage of me and have been in and out of recovery from sex and quick relationships! If you can stay away from one night stands, great!! If you need to vent we are so here for that. Don't let it get you down!

I am not a one-night-stand kind of guy (and by definition I am not, since I am still single/virgin), but also because my personal opinion that is just something meaningless and quick.

Of course the virgin problem is basically coalesced with the single problem. Like the old saying, "It takes two to tango". Being single is not like studying chemistry or physics where I can spend the whole day alone and improve quickly. It takes two to make a couple, and it seems like I get criticised anyway.

From what I hear, other people, both men and women, are telling me that my location being single and a virgin is a big no-no at my age, more than in other locations. So perhaps that might also be a reason why people keep insulting me for being single/virgin.

That is great advice.

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

You've achieved great insight and this will help you on your journey, Lundi. Feeling more comfortable with yourself, and not feeling like you have to hide anything or be perfect in every social situation, will help your positives shine more clearly. Putting too much pressure on yourself can too often increase the very same behaviors that you're worried about. I've been there too.

And I was 30 when I first had sex, so don't think it's impossible. I ended up thinking it would never happen either, but it did.

This whole issue with singleness and virginity has affected negatively my physical health as well. I have suffered weight loss in the past as well as stomach problems, plus now I have chronic hypertension that started in my mid-20s. The stress and self-hatred that I placed on myself destroyed my self-esteem. Just in the past two months, I tried to rectify all of this.

I still have a long way to go. I see evidence of virgins at my age, especially males, being cast aside as if they were sub-humans. I need to keep up my confidence, looking at all of my abilities that I have despite being in this state.

I have heard many times about how opportunities arise when one least expects it. I have a hard time believing it, due to the repeated past failures in my life. But then again, I suppose that many people who did get those opportunities did not expect it either.

I completely understand how you feel because I have depression, anxiety, social anxiety due to the bullying.

Are you meeting/going on dates with women your age who are also on the spectrum? You seem to have many qualities that a woman on the spectrum would very much appreciate, however, an NT woman would recognise early on, that you are unlikely to meet many of her relationship needs and wants. I mean no disrespect when I say this, just suggesting that maybe you need to narrow your focus when looking for a mate.

No offence taken, I understand what you mean.

No, I have never went on a date with a woman who had autism/Asperger's. At least to my knowledge. Where I live is rather strange--a lot of males are on the spectrum, yet most females are neurotypical. To be honest, disregarding dating altogether, I do not remember ever even meeting a woman on the spectrum in this city. Most of the women whom I meet are very neurotypical--outgoing, extroverted, party-goers, talkative, very confident, etc.

Rather the opposite, the women think that my qualities are very negative. Chess, foreign languages--these hobbies are rather introverted. The women whom I have met generally have had negative reactions, and I have received comments about why I am so "alone" instead of going out and, for example, partying or going to dance events. Most of the women with whom I have went out were from meetups.

My last date when I was a teenager was around 17. After that, I basically shut down on dating. Not until I was 26 did I go on my first date in almost 10 years. The woman was Ecuadorian (due to my interest in languages, I had learnt Spanish to around native level) and very extroverted, and could sense that I was awkward. Especially since I was visibly shaking like someone with a nerve problem. It clearly did not work out.

My second date thereafter was when I was 27, with a Venezuelan woman. Again, very extroverted and very outgoing, very talkative. She could visibly see that I was awkward, again. It was a rather chaotic date, because it was in a bar during the 2016 USA presidential election. We tried to go out again a month later. I made plans with her to go to a restaurant and then to a bar that I often frequent. When we met, I am not sure why, but she suddenly made us change plans and go to a hamburger place. I was visibly shocked and confused about the change in plans. I am not sure if it was a joke to throw me off of my plans since I am a very rigid person, because then she said, «¿Qué, te he sacado de tu sarcófago?» which loosely means, "What, am I taking you out of your cave?" referring to the bar to which we were supposed to go, or perhaps the fact that I am introverted. Maybe because of the Asperger's I was completely confused and distraught the entire night about the change in plans. But she also said, «¿Eres una persona que necesita tenerlo todo cronometrado, verdad?», which loosely means "You are a person that needs everything super-organised, no?" then she started laughing. I was not sure if she was laughing at me or what. But I felt quite insulted that night.

My third date was when I was 28, with a super extroverted woman. I mean super extroverted as in she did public speaking and public presentations in front of over a hundred people, something that would cause me extreme anxiety. Clearly it did not work out, and she suddenly told me that she had graduated university in 1991. So she was close to 50. A bit of an age gap.

My fourth date of my 20s was just over a month ago. Again, very extroverted, very outgoing, talkative and very alert to body language. We went to dinner at a restaurant. I got extremely uncomfortable when we were talking about how we went to the same university in the UK, and then she suddenly started talking about how she missed the birth control options at the chemist Boots. She found out that I was single/virgin. Needless to say, it did not work out.

I would definitely prefer meeting a woman who had a personality and interests similar to mine. But where I am, it seems quite difficult. Like I said, in the past few years during all of the meetups that I have attended, not even once have I met a woman who could probably be on the spectrum. Not even a neurotypical woman who had interests similar to mine.

It might be telling that I also have a big problem making male friends as well, because they have very different interests. People in general here seem to like hiking, clubbing, dancing, rowdy bars, etc. If I mention chess or foreign languages, often I get asked, "But why do you spend time with languages?" or "Chess? Is that like cup-stacking?", or "Are chess people crazy like Bobby Fischer?"