[CptNemo]

I'm writing this with the hope of inspiring others to keep on living and looking forward to tomorrow. I’m Bipolar (type 1) so I’ve had my fair share of severe depression as well as roller coaster rides of mania (stories for another time).

So it all began after some unfortunate events occurred and I began spending too much time contemplating the meaning and realities of my life and the direction it was heading. I suddenly realized the supposed truth of my existence in society. The reason I’ve been spending my entire life being schooled and educated was for one purpose. To be a tiny cog in the global capitalist machine. To keep the rich at the top of their pyramids. Happiness was a lie. It was a tool being used to string people along to live out their lives as wage slaves. What was the point of it all? Temporary happiness and comfort could be gained through buying things like cars and houses. Then happiness through having a family and kids and younger generations looking up to you. But in the end it would all be gone. I would have to keep on finding new ways to keep myself content until I die and leave everything behind. So what was the point of even trying. It dawned on me. Happiness was just another drug, and everyone was addicted to it. But happiness attained in those ways were still only temporary, it seemed like such a futile endeavor that every ounce of motivation to continue on, left me.

I died inside.

It wasn’t long until my mind was filled with the constant gnawing thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t take it. Every waking moment was torture and so I slept through the days, the weeks, the months. My dreams let me escape from reality. The medications I was on didn’t do a thing to help. My psychiatrist told me I just needed to get up and start doing things like exercising and finding new hobbies. But she also attributed the depression to simply be a symptom of an imbalance of chemicals in my brain. She would never really know what it was like to feel like a prisoner of society. How could she? She was just another slave herself, unable to see the shackles that held her.

Even though I constantly thought about ways to kill myself I knew I could never commit to it. Looking at suicide logically, I knew that death was an uncertainty and there was a chance that what came after would be worse than what I was suffering through now. I also couldn’t put my loved ones through the grief that I knew would result from my suicide. However, just wishing and hoping for my thoughts to change on their own drove me insane. Nothing was going to be different until I decided to change my routine. Since I saw the utter pointlessness of living to attain material wealth, I ended up reading about philosophy and beliefs of various religions. If the physical world had no answers for me then maybe spirituality had the answers I yearned for.

So I read texts by great philosophical minds and listened to recordings. Slowly my mentality changed bit by bit. I began accepting the situation I was in. I realized this entire time that I was blaming the plight of existence on some hidden group of global elite (although I’m still certain there is one). I wasn’t taking responsibility for any of my own actions. I had given up, and thought to myself that it was all because I was stuck in a trap and had been deceived my whole life. I knew I needed some sort of goal to strive towards to keep myself facing forward. Because I was constantly judging the lives of others and comparing myself to theirs I couldn’t see the simple fact that we are all living our own lives with our own motivations. No matter how well you think you may know someone it is impossible and making assumptions will only lead to problems. I had to stop comparing myself to others and instead only focus on what I could do as an individual. I may not be able to change the world on a macro scale but I can definitely change things in my immediate range of influence, starting with myself.

The texts I read reaffirmed my idea of the impermanence of material existence in life as well as the never ending cycle of striving towards novel experiences to get doses of sensual happiness. My indifference and apathy slowly gave way to empathy for the plight of the living. I knew that the happiness I once felt from helping others reduce their own burdens was a feeling that could be drawn upon whenever I reminisced upon it. This form of happiness didn’t rely on spending money on myself. I had found some inspiration to motivate myself to get rid of my dark thoughts that clouded my mind. I wanted to return to a healthy mental state so I could function again and be able to strive towards helping others in whatever way I could. Now I have plans for the future and plans for the present. I can wake up in the morning with objectives to complete.

For all my talk of philanthropy I admit I am no saint and always find myself thinking and acting hypocritically in contrast to what I think is proper conduct. But I constantly try to watch my thoughts and actions to keep myself in check. Now whenever I feel negative feelings creeping on for whatever reason, I tell myself that those feelings are temporary like everything else in the world. That I am the master of both my mind and body and if I can focus and block out unnecessary thoughts then nothing can bother me.

Thankfully it’s been several years since I last experienced severe depression. I hope that learning some of my story will let you know that whatever you are going through, no matter where you are, there is always someone else who is going through similar troubles. The reasons behind your depression will no doubt be different than mine, but the feeling and sense of dread is the same. Just know that those feelings can be removed and you should never give in to the darkness. Like they say, “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” and as long as you don’t give up, there will come a day when the sun shines again.

Best Wishes,
Nemo