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stahrgeyzer
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Trig Oct 12, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #1
I'd feel better if I wasn't alone but hopefully nobody is because it's hell. Often I wonder if my life is just a dream, a nightmare and some evil beings are studying me, messing with me. How could life be so horrible?

Serious trigger warning...

The other day I came so close to
Possible trigger:
. It feels natural. I've gone through this cycle probably over a hundred times where something will set me off. So far I always change my mind. My mom or someone. And I end up feeling bad that if I followed through they'll be in a lot of pain. This time my mom said she wants a hug from me. But this time, after hugging her, I was so tired of this endless cycle that I forced myself to not think of her, but to avail I broke down and started letting myself to think of her and within a half hour I finally just gave up on my forest quest. Once again I felt defeated.

This time
Possible trigger:

After it was over, the next day I woke up and my body literally felt like it was hit by a truck. Has anyone felt that way? It's as if my state of mind caused a lot of physical damage. Is it caused by sadness, depression? Sure enough after a few weeks, or a month, I always eventually feel on top of the world, but then eventually something triggers me and I go through the same hell, planning out my one way trip. Sometimes it only lasts a few hours. Sometimes it last days. Fortunately I always want to spend a few days planning everything out. This time it was Sedona. Last time it was Angeles forest. Time before that I think it was Death Valley. Time before that I think it was the Bigfoot Scenic Byway in northern California.

Anyway I just felt like venting, was wondering if anyone has ever felt the same.
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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 03:43 AM
  #2
Hi stahrgeyzer, i too am alone. i often fantasize that i can just disappear from the face of this earth and no one will know where ive gone. rn i know it will never happen bc of my family. I just don't belong here. Hugs to you
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 04:43 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer View Post
I'd feel better if I wasn't alone but hopefully nobody is because it's hell. Often I wonder if my life is just a dream, a nightmare and some evil beings are studying me, messing with me. How could life be so horrible?

Serious trigger warning...

The other day I came so close to
Possible trigger:
. It feels natural. I've gone through this cycle probably over a hundred times where something will set me off. So far I always change my mind. My mom or someone. And I end up feeling bad that if I followed through they'll be in a lot of pain. This time my mom said she wants a hug from me. But this time, after hugging her, I was so tired of this endless cycle that I forced myself to not think of her, but to avail I broke down and started letting myself to think of her and within a half hour I finally just gave up on my forest quest. Once again I felt defeated.

This time
Possible trigger:

After it was over, the next day I woke up and my body literally felt like it was hit by a truck. Has anyone felt that way? It's as if my state of mind caused a lot of physical damage. Is it caused by sadness, depression? Sure enough after a few weeks, or a month, I always eventually feel on top of the world, but then eventually something triggers me and I go through the same hell, planning out my one way trip. Sometimes it only lasts a few hours. Sometimes it last days. Fortunately I always want to spend a few days planning everything out. This time it was Sedona. Last time it was Angeles forest. Time before that I think it was Death Valley. Time before that I think it was the Bigfoot Scenic Byway in northern California.

Anyway I just felt like venting, was wondering if anyone has ever felt the same.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! I understand! I been there myself. Suicide effects everyone. You won't be here to see those suffering from complicated grief and those who bully you will win of you are not here..
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Default Oct 19, 2019 at 10:22 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Buffy01 View Post
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! I understand! I been there myself. Suicide effects everyone. You won't be here to see those suffering from complicated grief and those who bully you will win of you are not here..
TBH for a long time I've been certain this reality is nothing but some type of lucid dream, and I sincerely mean that. So my ending isn't going to hurt anyone
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 02:40 PM
  #5
because I'm certain nobody is real. How would a therapist handle that one?!
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #6
Dear Stahrgeyzer, I know the feeling of being trapped, & the feeling that nothing is real, which I think is a form of dissociation. A good therapist can help you. You don't have to live like this, at least not all the time. It's so sad to hear you suffering like this. I hope you find the right therapist for you. God bless you! Lots of hugs!
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Default Oct 23, 2019 at 01:59 AM
  #7
Well tbh I've seen an awfully lot of things that make me believe this reality is nothing like mainstream wants us to believe. That may sound a bit like psychosis but I don't care because I'll go with truth seeking over trying to fit in any day!!

I was just reading comments on youtube of a DID video. In one of the comments there's a thread where numerous academic psychologists & academics in related fields are saying mainstream, for the most part, is avoiding DID. Well DID fascinates me to death! I think academic community as a whole avoids it because it severely pushes their beliefs beyond their comfort level. Thankfully there are some academics who are interested in DID. Obviously there are because they're watching DID videos. I see a lot of similarities between DID and this reality. I study my reality very closely and don't take it for granted like most people, so I tend to think that's why most people miss it, the little subtle things that don't make sense about reality. Most people just assume & ignore those subtle things, and by the time they reach adulthood then maybe they've become so good at it that it doesn't even reach them at a conscious level.

So in DID there's an inner world where the alters live. Did you know that some alters are not even aware that they are an alter?? Often there are alters who watch over and protect other alters. For example in the following DID video she goes over the inner world. She talks about an alter who lives in the forest who doesn't believe she's an alter. Also there are special alters who protect the alter in the forest.

In real world here I've talked to people who seem to be hiding something very important. There are people in my life who are just abnormally A lot of details. I could write a book on it. Then there are a lot of people in real world that seem like me, who don't know what's really going on but who just go along with things. I just have to wonder if the real world here is just the next level up, a world inside a bigger brain, and maybe we are all alters. Some know they're alters, but keep quiet. Some like me don't know, but wonder.

Anyhow there's a lot more to it. I could write volumes about this topic. If anyone's interested in this topic then check out this young girls videos. Here's the one I last watched:

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Default Oct 23, 2019 at 06:17 AM
  #8
Dear Stahrgeyzer, You are very intelligent. And you are fascinating. I hope you do write a book. Many books. Change the mainstream thinking. This world (even if we're alters) needs people like you. You remind me of Rene Descartes. By the way, I love to wonder, too. : ) Please have a very wonderful day today!
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