[Lalaladida7]

My story is too long to tell fully, but I will give a short rundown. I've been married for almost 18 years and we have two kids under the age of 10. My husband is--on a good day--loving, helpful, hilarious, loyal, smart, and gregarious. The last two years have been very hard, because of my husband's depression and drinking problem. It used to be that, four or five times a year, my husband would become very irrational and verbally abusive--exactly like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde--but over the last two years, it's become so frequent, it's unbearable. He has these violent mood swings. One second he's fine, the next he's deranged. I thought maybe he had rapid cycle bipolar or intermittent explosive disorder, but more recently, I've come to terms with the fact that it is most likely due to alcoholism.

Even though he's drank more than he probably should for most of our marriage, he has shown some control, and until more recently, my only worries about it were related to his health and the fact that drinking daily would be normalized for our kids. But the last two years, he's really gone downhill. He spent last summer working in the yard/garden while drinking beer, leaving me to parent our kids. He'd been so depressed all winter and seemed happier, so I was just leaving him alone and letting him do what made him happy, but then he started passing out early, sometimes outside. I was getting no help with the kids. In retrospect, I was being a chickenshit for letting it get as bad as it did. I was just tired of all the conflict. By the end of the summer, I was livid with him. It came to a head in the fall, and he gave up drinking for two months. He was still really depressed, probably more depressed than before, but he stopped having the mood swings, so it was a relief to me. He started drinking again around Thanksgiving, promising moderation, but that didn't work out. His mood started swinging again as his drinking increased, and he was taking his irrational anger out on me verbally. I packed my bags and was ready to leave with the kids, but before I could even issue an ultimatum, he apologized to me and said he was going to cut way back on drinking. I decided to let him try cutting back rather than ask him to give it up. (This was a mistake, I know.) He cut back to three pints per day of high abv beer, which was still too much, but with the quarantine, I figured I could live with it until all this craziness was over, and then we could readdress his drinking in couple's counseling.

But last weekend, he got ****-faced. I was so mad, but I knew talking to him about it while drunk would be counterproductive, so I was going to hold off until the next day. As it went, I couldn't wait. He was stumbling around on the back patio, and I was worried he was going to pass out outside. He sleepwalks, so it's just not a safe situation, as well as being embarrassing if the neighbors were to notice. So I sent him the following text: "It seems like you have had way too much to drink. I don't want to fight about it, but I am concerned. Please take care not to fall asleep outside. That is all." Well, he went nuts, blaming me for every misery in his life. He called me pathetic, told me to "get a job" (I stay home with our two-year-old son), and said he was tired of me and my "controlling ********". He slammed doors and yelled at me, scaring our 9-year-old daughter awake. She was disoriented and didn't know what was going on, so I smoothed her down and she went right back to sleep. The next morning he woke up just as angry and left for a two-hour trip out of town just to get away. He sent me a text a couple hours later saying that he had determined that he was not a good person at his core. I wrote back saying that he was a good person with a mental illness and an alcohol addiction. I said I'd stick around if he actively sought help for both issues but that I won't watch his downward spiral with both kids in tow. (He has taken steps before, but he's never done enough to really help.) He has difficulty discussing his emotions, so when he got back, he just started trying to act kinda normal, and so I had to ask him where we stood. He apologized for breaking his promise to me and for being way out of line, but when I said, "Well, what about the drinking?", he basically said that he didn't want me being his nanny, and if I didn't like it, I should leave him. Clearly, he wasn't getting it.

Later in the evening, after the kids were asleep, I laid it out for him. His mood swings were destroying our marriage, and the alcohol was triggering his mood swings; therefore the only way forward for us would be for him to quit drinking alcohol. I ended with "the ball is in your court." He said, "ok," stood up, and walked away. No decision has been made but we have couple's counseling on Thursday.

Well, I know this post seems like it's about my husband's depression and alcoholism, but it's really about me. I AM SO DEPRESSED. How could I not be? I'm stuck in quarantine with my depressed, alcoholic husband, and I am the primary caretaker of two kids, trying to make their lives as normal as possible. I need a helpmate. I need a partner. This is too hard to do alone. But I hardly ask my husband to do anything, because it's just easier to do everything by myself than to deal with him. It sucks so so much. And then today, we found out he might lose his job (he's a teacher), and I haven't worked in seven years and can't go back to my previous profession for health reasons. I have NO IDEA what kind of job I want to have or how I might go about getting it. There's a good chance I'll need to go back to school. I won't be able to make anything near the money he makes. I have no chance of being able to support my family. I just feel helpless.

[Yzen]

I'm so sorry about your situation. From reading your words, I can feel the weight of everything on you. I wonder if he would be able to find a new job if he lost his current job. That seems to be the one place he is helping -- to provide income.

Trying to figure out everything at once is overwhelming. You are doing so much already to keep things together. Try to keep from feeling like you have to figure it all out at once and take it a step at a time. Please take care of yourself.

[Lalaladida7]

He says that if he gets laid off, he’s going to milk unemployment, because he’s worked so hard his whole life, but he’s only been unemployed twice before, and he hated it, so I don’t think he’s thinking clearly. Without work, he loses all focus. He’ll go from bad to worse.

Thanks for responding. I know there’s not much to say. It just is what it is . . . and I am what I am.

Originally Posted by Yzen

I'm so sorry about your situation. From reading your words, I can feel the weight of everything on you. I wonder if he would be able to find a new job if he lost his current job. That seems to be the one place he is helping -- to provide income.

Trying to figure out everything at once is overwhelming. You are doing so much already to keep things together. Try to keep from feeling like you have to figure it all out at once and take it a step at a time. Please take care of yourself.

[Yzen]

Milking unemployment sounds like avoiding responsibility. I hated unemployment too and couldn't wait to get another job.

You could start looking around for possible jobs...just to get an idea of what you might be able to do if things get worse. It might give you ideas of what is being offered and what you could do.