For as long as I remember in my life, someone has not wanted me. I don't know where this is getting me to tell any of this over again. I know my mom didn't really want to have me she had been very cruel, so had my dad many times in life. They still gave some support and love as they could. So had my brother, and sister. I felt for a long time that I don't belong here. Anywhere. I thought i'd found someone who'd love me, as is, several times in life to be left jaw dropping at the blame, insults, and what seems like absolute loath for me from someone who just a while ago kept saying they loved me. This is my whole life. I know I'm to blame for many things but telling me everything has been my fault and I deserve nothing but to go insane...

exact words, go ahead, go insane, i don't care about your feelings at all. All I care about is myself, and to get rid of you. It looks like you are to blame for everything, yes you are to blame because no man would ever want you, it's been proven.

Yes I've been at fault. I've hurled insults. I have been moody. But who isn't moody when someone who used to hug you and show affection withdraws completely because they decide I am no good to them? Because they want to just love themselves and not me? THat's what he said. I come first. You don't matter. Your feelings don't matter to me at all.

What kind of human can do this? I just know its wrong to wish the pain I feel on him but I do. I wish he could wake up and see the ugly manipulative using and bossy person HE is, while he says I am all those things.

I know I was wrong to stay when he often said he didn't want me anymore. But he'd change his mind and say he wanted it to work. Now, I'm told there is no love anymore. But I've always been me, and I've improved in many things he says I haven't. I wanted to have encouragement, not all this. I'm making resumes and looking at doing real work, something that would build my self esteem. It seems like that makes him want to put me lower. Who does this?

I read a damn book called why men love *****es. To me it's not worth it, if it takes been like a sly fox, acting a certain way, to have a man. it's like playing a game and being someone I am not. I need. I show feelings. I cry. He says crying is manipulating me. Excuse me, NO, I happen to be very hurt, but it doesn't matter to him.

I'm the only one who can make myself feel better, but at this point I've considered ending things for me, something not to be mentioned here. That's how down I am. But I love my children, and that's all I cling to to stay here. I know they have resentments, but I also know they truly do love me and need me. If it wasn't for them, I think I'd just exit.

I'm glad for this forum, but I'm also sorry to spew my hurt all over here. I guess I do want sympathy. I do want someone to say, hey you must still matter for some reason. I just don't know what. I want to work again. My body has limits and so does my mind. But if that's all I have to hope for to gain some esteem in myself, I'm doing it. This person who shows such cruelty, I live with. I'm not leaving. I know people have said many times, leave. This is the only home I have, and I will avoid him and treat him with the silence he gives me. ONly little interaction. If I leave I'll be just as bad, there is no where...... please don't say go to a shelter, etc., it isn't an option. Actually, go ahead, give advice.

I've heard it all, but the reality is that it's harder to leave than put up with this. I have no savings, no way to move anything, and no one would care at a shelter because they'd say I shouldn't have moved in with him in the first place. I helped him while he lost his job. No matter to him. No matter that I encourage him, cook, clean, and was affectionate. None of that matters. All that matters to him is that he have everything as he wants, his apartment to himself, and me gone.... and who cares where, insane, dead, or on the street. When a while ago he said I'd never go homeless and he'd even marry me and support me. What an idiot I am to believe someone again. To be completely fooled. That's how I feel. A fool who has no worth anymore. Again, to anyone who would read I am sorry but that's what this place is for I think. I'm hurting. I'm going the insane that it seems I'm suppose to go.

[Thirty shades]

2daffodils

I am sorry you are hurting. It sounds natural that you are feeling that way with all that is going on. I have been in a similar situation and I know how desperate it feels. I kept focusing on my children to get through.

[Fuzzybear]

''it seems like that makes him want to put me lower. Who does this''

A cruel and self absorbed person with very little insight into themselves.

I'm sorry you've had this mean person in your life

[MickeyCheeky]

You deserve MUCH, MUCH, MUCH, MUCH BETTER, @2daffodils! I won't tell you to leave since it seems like you're already aware of that Advice. Yes, it is hard. It is not as easy as it may seem at first. I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY TO HEAR that your Shleters there won't help you! My advice would be to start saving some money perhaps. After you feel like you've saved enough you can think of leaving if you're feeling comfortable with it. Perhaps you'll be able to hire a Lawyer and such. I do believe it is important to do that..... for BOTH you and your Children! In any case, please take WONDERFUL care of yourself! Try to find some hobbies and some nice activites that you can do for YOURSELF! I am so sorry your Family isn't being of much help either! Any Friends that you may ask help to? Any other relatives you can turn up to or ask for help to? Please stay safe! In any case, we'll be here for you when you need us! I PROMISE YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY AND UNDENIABLY COUNT ON US AS WELL! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need to and want to! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY GLAD to help you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @2daffodils, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok? STAY SAFE!

I just want to correct something that makes it sound like I meant otherwise. My children are "adults" in the sense of age. The younger really worries me though as he admits he struggles with depression and anxiety and goes through several job changes .. I was really venting about being foolish with what I did with my life. I could blame this roomate/ was supposed bf. It doesn't help I just wanted to get out all the cruel things he's said. How people can justify themselves for blaming someone for unrealistic things is beyond me. I know and feel remorse when I've been wrong. I try. No matter. It's like a person has to be like he is just to survive. Think me me me and don't care about anything else. I'm done venting. I apologize for it and thanks for support it is appreciated.

[Rose76]

I'm sorry for how miserable you feel. For whatever reasons, humans come in all types - from angels to devils. This man is not a good person. Unfortunately, people like him are not all that rare. (Though I would say that most humans are not as mean as him.) There's even people way worse than him out there. (Watch the news. Where I live, there's been ongoing stories in the news about people who've murdered children, sometimes there own children.) So please stop being shocked and in a state of disbelief that there are cruel people in this world. Yes, there are. Your cry seems to be that "People shouldn't be that way!" The world is as it is. Going around thinking: "The world should be better, and people should be nicer!" is just refusing to face reality.

You are saying, "I should be able to trust a person, when that person says they care about me and will look out for me." No, daffodil, that's not so. You don't get to decide how things "should" be. You get to choose between facing reality and adjusting to how reality is, or being mad and sad that the world isn't the way you want it to be. You are choosing to be heart-broken that people aren't the way you want them to be.

I'm sorry for the lack of love you've experienced, starting with the rejection you felt from your own family. You did not - and do not - deserve this. What happens to us often has nothing to do with what we deserve. How people treat us often has nothing to do with what we deserve. This man you are with doesn't treat you bad because that's what you deserve. He treats you bad because that's how he is. It may be that he isn't capable of being any different than how he is. He is very warped. I don't know why. It doesn't really matter why. And, at his age, he's not going to change. He is not in this world to be who you need him to be. He is who he is. He is what he is. He is a product of forces that shaped him. And he is shaped foul. People like him exist. Even people worse than him exist.

It would be nice if we could trust whoever wandered into our lives. We can't. We have to do the work of evaluating people and withholding our trust until someone has really earned it. Bad people don't exist just in the 5 o'clock news, where we hear about murderers and people who torture other people for fun. They are walking past us all the time. It's no good to say: "But it shouldn't be that way!" IT is. Our job, as adults, is to realize that and to be discriminating about who we trust. We all get fooled from time to time. But, if I'm getting fooled all the time, then I have to ask myself: "What's wrong with my thinking?" If I take the attitude that I SHOULD be able to trust anyone who tells me I can trust them because that's how it should be, then my life is going to be one long rolling disaster.

You made a mistake trusting this guy. But he did offer you plenty of evidence that he wasn't a good person right from the start of you being around him. You set the bar very low on what you accept. Probably, you grew up in a family environment where you were conditioned to expect very little. That's not your fault. But it's time to reset that bar. You do need help. I believe help is out there. But you have to go to it. You have to go through a process that will likely be tough for a while. Or you can stay where you are, if that seems easier. In the long run, I don't think it is easier. You are never going to change yourself into the person who will earn this guy's love. I don't care how hard you work on your resume and even if you find a job. He says he rejects you because you have faults. That's not what's going on. He makes that up as an excuse. He's not going to come out and say: "I don't love you because I'm a cold reptile who lacks the ability to love." Actually, he's not a reptile. He is a badly warped human being. You are trying to get water out of a dry well.

So, at least, being with him is keeping a roof over your head. Lots of abused women stay with men for just that reason. You can make that choice. You can "follow the path of least resistance." But there's a price to pay for doing that. Maybe that's not how things should be. But it's how things are. People make decent lives for themselves by adjusting to life, as it is. Let go of your notions of how things should be and how people ought to be.