Just not Thinking About the Future Right now

I'm just not thinking about the future at all. I've known for a year what I want to do- go to my community college, learn programming languages, score a nice career, and then I will be set. But I'm not thinking about any of that right now. My mind just refuses to imagine how I will get there, what it will be like, and what I'm supposed to be doing right now, in my senior year of high school.

I'm just going to be blunt right now: I keep becoming suicidal. My mood can shift so dramatically at times, but whenever I become happy for a little bit I always end up either screwing something up, or annoying somebody else, or whatever it is and I fall back into feeling very, very low about myself, and then I think I'd be better off dead. I became suicidal just a few days ago, and I don't know when it will again. I almost ended it a few months. I spent three afternoons cleaning and tidying my room, and I listened to all my favorite music one last time while I did it, and then I tyed and printed a note and stashed two bottles-worth of Tylenol in my room. But I woke up on the day I was gonna do it, and I felt... fine. Like, literally just calm, and wonderful.

I keep feeling like I have no worth in this world, and that i just annoy the people around me. I feel like if I died it wouldn't matter, or even that it would be a good thing!

So right now I'm just focused on the now, not thinking about the future, because it seems to out of reach.

It would matter if you died. It would matter to us.

Look, you are not defective. There isn't something'wrong' with you. You have an illness that makes it really hard to plan and carry out long-term, challenging goals. This is not on you or your character. Cut yourself some slack! You have an an illness. It makes it hard for you sometimes. I totally relate to that. I deal with SI stuff all the freaking time. But I know it is not the solution.

I think that day you woke up and felt fine? I think that day was a message from above or whatever you happen to believe in. I almost did it many years ago and at the very moment it was to happen, I for some reason, glanced to my right, and there, floating in space, was a holographic image of my precious son, smiling at me. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to the ER. I personally believe that to have been a miracle, to just suddenly 'hallucinate' my son.

These things happen for a reason. Hang in there. Do you need a med change? You might. When do you see your pdoc again?

You do matter, so please seek the help you need to get back on track. Okay?

How are you doing now?

I, too, am wondering how you're doing, Bookworm.

I hope you get some help, so you can feel better.