I'm alone since my boyfriend died yesterday and getting in bad shape. Please help me

She probably won't prescribe Ativan because it is a benzo and because I have a xanax prescription which is also a benzo--they test me once a year for hydrocodone, pot, etc but there are other drugs that could provide you relief and can be safely taken with your hydrocodone. When I was in a terrible crisis, I was prescribed the antidepressant Zoloft. It helps with depression and numbs your emotions. I still take for depression and to help me be more detached from others negative emotions but take breaks from taking it when it has numbed my emotions too much. However, when I was in crisis, having my emotions numbed down was a blessing. Please don't be afraid to call and ask for help Rose.

I woke up. Made hot chocolate. I feel bad. I'm very sad. 6 hours since I took my pain pill.

I think of a small goal: take a shower. pick up laundry at the wash-and-fold.

If I talk about being seriously depressed to my healthcare providers, they might be afraid to continue prescribing the hydrocodone I've been getting.

I think they almost have to. Providers are under so much pressure now to not prescribe opioids, or prescribe fewer than they were prescribing in the past. I'm lucky I get what I get.

The sister I stayed with when I went back got to drinking and became belligerant. She had been my best friend these past 6 years - calling often, encouraging me to call her whenever. The plan was I would stay with her briefly for the funeral. Then I would come back and take care of his apartment. Then I would return to spend maybe a month with her, so I would not be alone in the beginning. That plan got exploded. I forgive her, but I see how impossible she is when she drinks.

Then I have another sister in a different state. For years she seldom calls. After he died, she started calling . . . but she doles out her time spent talking to me, like she wants to make sure I don't take up too much of her time. I figured this is how she'ld be. So I try to make sure I'm not bothering her. Still, I'm hurt . . . but she's been that way for years.

At least tomorrow I can call about donating his furniture to charity. Once stuff starts moving out the door, the task of emptying this apt won't seem so overwhelming.

The lady nextdoor to my bf's place is kind of overly quick to want to "be there" for me. She's kind of needy and hard to get away from when I bump into her. I've often attracted "needy people." These are the types who act like they want to give attention, when what they are really after is getting attention for themselves. She encouraged me to leave her a key to my bf's apt. I was in such a state that I mindlessly told her I would. Then I just forgot to. Turns out her plan was to "show" the place to another tenant who wants it. That tenant now has enough difficulty walking that she is on a waiting list for a handicap-accessible apt. I guess management here already told her she can have this apt when it's available. I better stop sleeping here because I'm not a tenant, and management told me HUD disallows caregivers "living in apt" for more than 14 days after tenant dies.

So I better pack up what's in the fridge here and take it to my place.

I should look at weeks of unopened mail.

Well, this post gives me an idea of what I have to get going with today.

In reference to some ideas above: I don't need to care for another to know I have value. I don't have a big self-esteem problem. I've always liked more solitude than the average person. I've lost the only dependable source of love I've had for an awful long time. Don't tell me, "Well just start loving yourself." People need other people. I don't want to be alone with no one to love me. I had enough of that over the years. Even with my bf, I paid a high price to get what I got from him.

I know I have to get out and get involved to meet others. It's like I have to start my life all over again from scratch.

This is a big apt complex. Some lady put a sympathy card on the door with her phone number enclosed. At first, I thought, "How nice." Then I decided to be cautious. I don't know this lady even as a passing acquaintance. Maybe she's a genuinely good-hearted person. But there are many people who target persons like me in a state of acute vulnerability for all kinds of unwholesome reasons. I'm not the paranoid type. I've learned some things the hard way by being too gullible and trusting.

I thank all posting to this thread. I seem to have no one to lean on, at a time when that's the perfectly human thing to need.

My other sister - the cool one - her husband never git on the phone to just say, "Sorry for your loss." He's known me an awful long time. But if I owned property and had significant financial assets - and having no children to leave them to - he'ld consider me someone to cultivate. My sister follows his lead.

Well, sitting here ruminating sure isn't getting me anywhere.

You are amazing, Rose! Thank you for sharing all your very analytical, very interesting thoughts! God bless you! I hope the hurt lessens with each moment through your soul searching, which I think is helping you. And I think you're helping a lot of other people, too! Hugs & love to you, dear Rose!

I got the shower warming up and I took a pain pill - 10 mg.

So I'll shower and dress. I can't tell you how hard it was to talk myself into doing this.

Breaking Dawn - I'm surprised at your post, but I thank you for it. I more expect to be scolded for wallowing in pain.

Who would give you a hard time for struggling and grieving and sorting out all your feelings? Only a cruel person does that.

Well I got showered and dressed. Very hard to get in there for that. Now, I don't want that to be my only achievement for the day. I want to open mail. I might put something on for dinner.

My main problem is being all alone . . . having no one here to talk with and for some company. But with billions of humans roaming around out there, it should be possible to drum up some human contact.

It's not my belief that my bf, and only my bf, could relieve my loneliness. I think I could be in a reasonable state of mind, with just the warmth that the company of any nice person could provide. That shouldn't be impossible to find.

If I sound more hopeful . . . my pain pill has kicked in. It provides important psychological support . . . but I can't go telling that to any doctor . . . not these days. Feeling less sore physically certainly is a mood booster also.

I went on a quick errand. Picked up laundry. Driving back, as I've done so often from this laundromat I got overcome by the thought that he's not waiting for me to get back. I can't stand this pain. He was my everything.

I know I'm thinking and speaking badly. So much pain in the world. I shouldn't make such a big deal of my little portion of that pain.

Rose, it’s very normal to be doing something that is part of your routine and feel his absence. It really takes the brain time to slowly adjust and accept the absence. Even when you know someone is nearing the end it really is not until they are gone that you face this challenge. It’s also normal to experience these pangs.

Try to set aside a little time to search for grief support group near you. The agenda is grief support with others also struggling. I know I have suggested doing this already. I just think it would help.

I became so distraught after the post above I called the neighbor in the bext apt. She invited me over and was kind. Mostly I listened to the story of her sad life. One sad thing after another, including the sexual molestation in her family. It was distracting, and I'm a natural listener. But there's a limit to how much of that I can take. She did try to be kind. I am very sorry for her loneliness . . . and I'm glad I'm not her.

Today I've eaten nothing solid . . . just a mug of hot chocolate at noon. I put a frozen pizza in the oven. It's ready and I have zero interest in even a bite of it or anything. I think this is the first time in my whole life that emotional distress has taken away my appetite.

I feel sleepy. The rose bushes are unkempy with weedy tree saplings growing up through them. I fear the apt manager will complain about that tomorrow. I just want to sleep.

If you are tired “sleep” grieving is exhausting both emotionally and physically.

Also if you call and can’t get the meds you want klonopin also works well. The generic is clonazapm.

I did fall asleep. Now almost 3 a.m. I'm awake. I have nausea, even though I didn't really eat yesterday.

Thinking of you Rose. I don't know if this video will be helpful but posting it just in case:
Fighting loneliness after losing a partner
YouTube
I believe there is a reason for everything we experience in this life. I hope you can eventually find meaning from what you are going through.

I took a Vicodin and called that Crisis telephone line. I was shivering with some kind of general distress. I was getting an attack of grief. The counselor who answered the crisis line ended up being an understanding person. At first I didn't think I could even talk to him. But I got desperate to tell someone how severely depressed I'm getting. I told him I'm not a danger to myself, but I don't believe I can survive this loss without serious help, including treatment with narcotic medication - which these days is very difficult to get. I told him I want to call my healthcare providers and tell them honestly how dangerously depressed I am.

I learned over the years that confiding fully in doctors can be self-defeating. Taking Vicodin greatly improved my quality of life and enabled me to withstand the physical strain of caring for my boyfriend, as he became increasingly paralyzed. I vowed to myself that I would never report being depressed to my PCP for fear that she would then refuse to order me an opioid pain medication. Doctors are under enormous pressure from the government to drastically cut down on the supply of opioids to the public. So they're going to be scared to order opioids to a depressed person. Now I have less physical pain than when I was lifting, turning and moving around a man with increasing paralysis . . . and cooking for him and moving furniture around to mmake room for what we were doing. When he was still able to stand, he could only step to his right, due to a stroke. So I had to slide furniture so he could always move to his right. This put a lot of demand on me physically that worsened tendonitis in my left heel to where I was limping on it at times. Now I can avoid exertion that aggravates my sore areas. But I found that Vicodin also helped with depression. Now I take one when I start wishing I was never born. It helps. The hospice doctor ordered Ativan for my bf. I had some left after he died. I kept it with me. On a layover at the airport I started sobbing, realizing this was the first time he would not be waiting for me at home. I became almost hysterical with grief. I took 2 Ativan tablets. In 30 minutes I was calmed to a reasonable state of mind. I have a few Ativan tablets left, but I will be in trouble if they show up in my next pee-test.

I want to tell my PCP (a phsician's assistant) and the psychiatrist who I see not very often that I am severely depressed, but I get some relief from these narcotic medications. I want to ask that they order Ativan for me and let me continye taking Vicodin. I feel I've got the chance of a snowball in hades of getting them to agree to that. So I stay coping with severe depression by myself. I am going to go to a grief support group and do what healthy things I can do to care for myself. But I need medication to control the near hysterical state I keep getting into. There is no talking to a counselor for an hour once a week that is going to be an adequate treatment for me. I'll go for that, but I need to have this pain somewhat reduced, or I don't believe I will survive. At times it is so bad I believe I would do anything to escape from it. I have no history of suicide attempt. I don't believe in making melodramatic threats. But I know I've become very seriously depressed.

Right now I'm calm enough to focus on writing this post. Taking that Vicodin a while ago is probably why.

The counselor on the crisis line told me to approach my healthcare providers and be honest with them. He says there is a chance they might respond with the help I need and with help that will be effective. He acknowledged that my fears are not groundless. He admitted me being honest coukd lead to me losing the medication I feel I need. But he said it could be a risk worth taking. Now my shivering has stopped and I feel less nauseated. That's from taking that 10 mg of hydrocodone. But I'm going to run out of that soon. I was glad I told this counselor so much and that he took an interest in me and saud he agreed it was not unreasonable of me to want medication support with increased controlled substances on a temporary basis. This kind of intense grief usually lessens with time, or people would be jumping off roofs left and right. Pretty much everyone has to cope with severe grief sooner or later, and the vast majority live through it. My loss isn't any worse than what lots of people handle every day. But, for whatever reasons, I have become abnormally depressed over my loss. I was deoressed while my bf was still alive. But the love between us sustained me. I have not the support of children or a network of connections to people I can be with. I am alone, and this is too painful to endure alone.

I want to survive and make use of the years I have left. My health is still quite good. I have many interests that I could not pursue for these past 6 years that I've been caregiving night and day. I believe there's a chance my life could possibly become fulfilling again. But I need some relief from a level of mental agony that is making my life worthless to me. I don't have much faith I can get the help I need.

I just watched the video. Thank you. It was comforting. The people in the video seem to be middle class. I don't say they are wealthy, but they have a certain level of comfort that comes with a certain level of income. In that respect I felt different. I live on what, in the U.S., is considered a poverty income.

I'm very happy to have my guaranteed social security check every month. I've never needed a high income. At times I have had a high income. My tendency toward depression kept me from sustaining that. But I feel I am alright as far as getting my real material needs met.

But there is some stigma to having a decent education and yet living at my economic level. People think I had the ability to have every kind of success . . . and just squandered my gifts and opportunities. I don't spent any much time worrying what people think along those lines, but I know I am affected by that thinking. One of my closest family members has almost systematically distanced herself from me ever since it became apparent that I would only barely survive economically. So I have that to grapple with as well.

I can think of ways I squandered opportunities perhaps for the some of the same reasons. My POV is that even the "wealthy" can lose what they have in the blink of an eye and we can't take it with us. I read portions of your thread as you took care of your partner and my POV is that showed so much love and heart. You can be wealthy but still feel empty. I have endured seasons where both my spouse and I were unemployed and our savings had run out, etc. It helped my understand what others go through. There are many people in the world and the US who are poorer than us. Sometimes people who struggle financially have grown rich in other ways. It reminds us to help others.

TunedOut, Yes, I agree there are different kinds of poverty. Material success is nice, but not everything. I also agree that there is a vast population right here in the U.S. who know exposure to the elements and hunger on a daily basis. I've never know either. I have always counted my great many blessings. Some things in life have come easily to me. Maybe that made me weak. I am in awe of how hard and long many people struggle with great adversity or even just the challenge of persevering at ordinary responsibilities that aren't very interesting.

We all have our weaknesses and strengths. You speak about your weaknesses a lot but I also see strength.

I believed that I had been told that I had until 6/30 to clear out my friend's apartment. This morning (Mon.) I was called by the apartment manager and told that my deadline for clearing out expired on 6/14. So that was yesterday. I only got back Friday from NY where my bf's service and burial were on Thursday. Over Saturday and Sunday I found myself in grief way more intense than I had expected. I'ld been having episodes of being almost hysterical. I was having the darkest of despairing thoughts. I was lucky enough to talk to a particularly astute counselor who seemed to really grasp my situation. I eventually slept and woke up less distressed. Then the call about the apt exploded the little peace of mind I began to have.

I ran to a lawyer we knew who handled my bf giving me POA status. He said the manager was exceeding her authority. He listened to the recorded voice message from the asst apt manager saying I could pay extra to stay beyond the 14 days. He drew up a letter notifying the complex that they should not just lock me out and confiscate the contents of the apt, which they were threatening to do. He threatened to sue them, if they did. He sent notice to the manager and the giant corporation that owns this and many other properties telling them this. But he said he couldn't guarantee how this would play out. Possibly police will show up here tomorrow and arrest me for trespassing. On the other hand, my attorney suspects that the law firm for the property will advise this manager to leave me alone for at least a while longer. So I have great insecurity about what I will be allowed to do over the remains of this current week and the next one. All day I find myself just having this weird sensation that's like trebling mixed with shivering. It's fear . . . a sense of being threatened - seriously.

While writing this midnight passed. It's now 12:23 a.m. I had 2 helpers helping me frantically throw stuff in boxes and bags. This was exactly what I had hoped to avoid. We drove 2 carloads of stuff to my apartment. We relocated my friends car to outside where I live. Then we quit.

But I'ld lost track of what went where. I couldn't find my medications. I came back to my bf's apt. I was becoming a wreck. Then I found the meds. I took my amitriptyline and my Vicodin (hydrocodone.) For good measure I threw down one of my bf's Ativans. That was 11 p.m. Now at 12:33 a.m. I have substantial relief from feeling that I cannot cope and a miserable feeling like I'm turning into jello.

I don't even want much out of this apartment. My plan was to donate most of the contents of this apt to local charities like The Salvation Army and Habitat for Humanity. The VA will not take back any of the durable medical equipment. That includes a huge heavy electric powered Hoyer lift that retails for about $3500. It's like new. We used in 4 times. I know a charity that welcomes DME, but they've suspended collections due to COVID. That may change soon.

All I wanted for me were my clothes and items of sentimental value. As I fill up a bag with my bf's T-shirts, I might find something sweet in the back of the drawyer . . . maybe a Valentine's card with "Rose I love you." written inside it. I have to go threw drawyers. The socks I can pile up in a bag to donate. Photographs and old love letters might be tucked in the same drawers. Then there's important records like his birth certificate. That's all I really wanted. Both our apartments have become crammed with old and new medical supplies. It's hard to even make room to sort stuff. I have a history of hoarding tendencies that escalated in recent years. My bf was getting a lot of benefits. Various agencies were sending pounds of paperwork, booklets, pamphlets. Amongst all this were important documents buried under junk I should have long ago discarded. I helped engineer a lot of the stress I'm under by not maintaining an efficient file system. I feel challenged just by organizing and boxing lots of little stuff, so a charity picking up has room to get around the furniture and dismantle it.

I feel like I'm drownding in stuff. I could start being ruthless about discarding what is not worth holding onto. I believe I need sedating medication to allow me to quiet the anxiety that makes these tasks seem overwhelming.

I need help beyond chatting with a social worker once a week via video. I feel so much calmed down now - 2 hours after taking the meds I took. Otherwise I get immobilized by anxiety that snowballs into terror. When it keeps escalating, I start feeling I'ld do anything to escape it.

I think I can sleep soon. I got through another day.

Woke up at 3:30 a.m. Still tired. The meds I took last night helped me. Starting to wear off now.

I need medication that stops this shivering/trembling feeling. I still feel calmed down from what I took last night. But it's wearing off. That nervous feeling coming back.

An hour ago, I did take a hydrocodone 10 mg, an Ativan 1 mg and some baclofen 20 mg. It has taken effect and that shiver senation is easing up. Also my feeling that I may well be able to cope with sorting through mounds of stuff.

I want to talk to my PCP and to the psychiatrist who sees me a few times a year to explain I need sedating medication to simmer down this scared, anxious shivering state I get into. It comes with an overwhelming sense of foreboding that my attempts to get things organized are feeble and just pathetically inadequate to the challenge. But when that dread and shivering feeling gets quieted by meds, I can start to get things done.

I want these doctors and look at the real possibility that treating symptoms with drugs may need to be the cornerstone for a while. I know I need other non-drug approaches that go past symptoms to underlying causes.

Simce taking thes meds awhile ago, I am less concerned about police showing up this morning to drag me out of here as a trespasser. I'm able to slow donw franti thinking and focus on a selected goal. And remind myself that this is one day to get through with at least a few accomplishments done. I'm going to call the pdoc today. Now I feel like I might sleep easy for a bit. I'll try.