[Uncharted]

I just found this following text that I wrote on June 20th 2018. I read it and I felt the need to share it here so here I am. These are just thoughts I had at the time and I wrote them down cause I needed to get stuff out. To be honest a lot of these thoughts are still with me as I've been struggling with depression for several years now.

I'm not sure if I should label this as a trigger, but I will anyway just to be safe. I do mention suicide/self-destructive thoughts in this, just so you know.

Possible trigger:

I don’t know. That’s the truth I think. My thoughts are taking over me and I just want my head to explode so I don’t experience any of this anymore. Why does everyone have to ignore everything but still be so judgy? Or why do I have to let them get to me? Our existence is a joke. I’m surprised I’m still alive but so dead inside. My soul is rotten and I keep breaking like I’m some piece of thin glass. I want to destroy myself. If I could I would cut me up in pieces and throw me in the trash. I can’t handle me anymore. There’s so much. Just so much to deal with and I feel weak, hopeless, useless. I always felt I was born to help people and do big things in this world but I’m probably wrong. I can’t do ****. I’ve tried but no one listens. No one sees. No one can hear. I’m underneath and they’re all above. There’s a big barrier.

Even now I’m thinking this could be a cool intro voiceover in a depressive movie but...that’s never gonna happen. I’m so stupid. We all want some kind of fame, especially lately. We want to be known cause we wanna get recognized for who we are. We deeply crave attention but why? Do all parents in the world suck so bad? Or maybe we shouldn’t have kids at all. Not if we’re mentally unstable. It feels a little bit better to get some of this out. This transition hurts though. If it is one. Or maybe I’m close to the end. Who knows. I used to be so fearless, I’m not sure what happened. Why did everything get to me? I hate every molecule inside me. No purpose. No goals. Only cerebral solitude and hopelessness.

Did I search too much? But that’s my nature. No one else likes it but I always thought that’s what we’re supposed to do. I wanted to learn and evolve. Analyze and understand. Why is that so bad? Why none of this is acceptable? Superficial is praised because everyone is so scared. I wasn’t scared but now I’m full of fear. I think they won. I shouldn’t be surprised though, I’m outnumbered. I’ve been fighting for so long on my own.

If you’re like me, and I know I’m not alone, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I’m sorry that I don’t know what advice to give you. But just know that I feel you. I understand you. I get it. I’m sure you’ve got your reasons for the thoughts in your mind. I have no idea how someone can survive in our world and be healthy. No one is. And I think that the people who give up are the ones that hurt others on purpose. Or I don’t know. That’s the truth. I searched for so long and I felt that I found the truth. But I think, even I, don’t like it. And I wasn’t expecting that. Probably one of my biggest mistakes ever is that I had the ultimate expectation. But I don’t know how to have no expectations and not be depressed. I’m still searching for the whys and hows even though I’m so weak now. But mostly I ignore things. That’s what most people do.

Am I not unique anymore or am I just realizing I’m just like everyone else? No one wants to believe that about themselves. We all wanna be so unique, but are we? How can we justify ourselves constantly and hate ourselves at the same time? It doesn’t make sense to me. Or there’s something I’m just missing here. I’ve thought about doing it so many times I can’t even count. And the past year, it’s been bad. The thoughts are all over me. I’m still here though. There’s one main thing that’s keeping me from not doing it. But that thing will stop existing one day and then I honestly don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll find something else to hold on to or I will just leave this madness for good.

I’m so tired. I feel exhausted all the time. Even the basic stuff exhausts me. And I keep pulling my hair out almost non stop. Not a second goes by that my body doesn’t hurt. Sometimes I think of a terminal disease infecting me so it can save me. Sometimes I think of just shaving my head but then I think of what others will say or how they will react and I can’t be bothered to come up with excuses for them. I’m not free. Is anyone? I do feel better letting some of this out, but I can feel the hopelessness lurking underneath. And I’m tired so I’ll just stop.

Thank you for reading.

[bpcyclist]

Well, uncharted, this sounds like a really good illustration of badass depression, speaking as an expert on teh subject. I do thinkt this sort of talk can be quite triggering for some folks, so, maybe in the future, a trigger warning might be a good idea.

So, how do you feel today? How are you doing?

Strength and support!!!!

[Uncharted]

Yes that's why I did put a trigger on it, should I do something more besides that? Please let me know.

And I'm ok I guess, some days are better than others, you know how it is. Hope you're doing well.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Uncharted

Yes that's why I did put a trigger on it, should I do something more besides that? Please let me know.

And I'm ok I guess, some days are better than others, you know how it is. Hope you're doing well.

There is some kind of a special trigger warning thingy that I have never understood how to do, myself. There are instructions for it somewhere, maybe on the community feedback forum? Anyway, I could never figure it out...

I struggle wiht depression from time to time, most recently, just in the recent past week or so. Hang in there...

[Uncharted]

Ok, all I found was how to hide the possibly triggering text so I did that. Thank you bpcyclist. Much love and hugs We're stronger than we think.