afraid of myself and what I could do...=[

For the last few months I've felt a little "off"...but have avoided acknowledging what exactly im feeling. Lately random thoughts of suicide have popped into my head. I'm afraid to tell anyone because I dont know what to say. "hey. i keep having intense thoughts about killing myself" isn't exactly a conversation starter. I expect my friends to just say "okay. what do you expect me to say/do??" and then I feel even worse. blah. But tonight at work I couldn't get this image out of my head: me, in my prom dress, after prom, alone...with a gun in my mouth. Then I pull the trigger. I even started asking around about how to obtain a gun, legally and not legally. I'm not sure if I should talk to my friends first (when I have no clue how to say it anyway) or get help or what. i'm so confused...and so afraid of what i might do.

Honestly I try to come up with a reason and I can't...I don't know why I feel so terrible. People love me, I think...I just got accepted by my dream college and it's at the same level as like..harvard and stanford and such. But for some reason I still feel so...worthless. why am I worthless? and why can't i tell anyone that i feel this way..oh god i'm so confused =*[

I just wrote this...

Beautiful Catastrophe

Swirling amidst the made up bodies, decorated frames
sweat glistening beneath the splash of lights
faces flash before her amidst a sea of blurring names,
manequins built for this masquerade.
A princess she posed before the mirror
in one last muse of hideous critique.
Snapshots rang in her ears while thoughts tangled with fears.
With utterances like wings in flight, the camera's shutters flew.
But then a second sound stole in, a sound thus heard by few.
What innocence lay in those photographs, so distant now by memory
has melted into the crimson image, shards of what never could be.
There's pity in these merciless drops of chartreuse
in one last night of beauty with nothing left to lose.
A dancing queen at last she graced the floor
and heads frozen now turned as she paced to the door.
In her image of beauty, the epitome of grace
Found this bullet of time beneath a blood spattered face.

If you really, really desire to get help, then do it..
You're in control of your life, if your friends reaction is so trivial then maybe they're really not your friends, friends shouldn't bail on you when you need them most.

But having vivid thoughts of ending your life, I too have been there. And I got help and when all was said and done I honestly felt that there are people there who have it way worse than me.
And asking myself "wtf are you complaining about, you should count your blessings"...
Getting help can either be a wake-up call, reality check, call it what you will. But you have to be willing to get/take the help you so desperately desire..

lil bit, talk to/tell your therapist or pdoc? It does not sound like a comfortable way to be.

sultry--I haven't talked to my friends yet, I just keep replaying the conversation in my head trying to find a way to say it, but my mind always throws me back responses from them that hurt even though they've never happened. I keep reevaluating like...waiting...because I know help would either be a reality check or the best decision of my life. waiting just makes me worry a bit, I don't like the thoughts...i haven't had them in so long and I didn't want them to come back...thank you for the honesty.

perna--I don't have a T. never have. I keep it hidden except here at PC...I guess I feel safer online...I don't want people irl to see this. To them I am a chipper upbeat happy go-lucky person...and usually I am. I just don't know. And I don't trust the methods of therapists within 100 mi of my hometown. I've researched them, but never actually gone.

I think I know a lot how you feel. Especially in that feeling, that you'd NEVER want someone irl to know about the problems you're having.
Afraid of how they'd react and maybe even worse how they'd treat you... how it might change in an odd way 'who you are' because of what you think.
I'm not saying that all people will understand, or they'll even say the right things to help you. It's ok if you're too afraid to tell anyone, I'm REALLY glad you're here so you can talk about this.
If you can get the courage up to talk to someone, it would probably be a good thing, so keep trying. Even if the person can't understand completely, you never know really. They could have had similar experiences and not told you for the same reasons you don't tell them, they might have NO CLUE what it's like but still care for you, and try to help you. And it's better to have someone to talk to you and maybe to hold you.

I'm kinda the happy all the time person- you can come to me and spill all your problems-happy- person to everyone irl. And I don't really want to change that either. It shouldn't change who you are just because you tell someone that sometimes you feel that way =D

is there perhaps ONE person you're more likely to tell than others?

*hugs* good luck and keep posting ok? oh and pm anytime ^_^

I am considering one person. We are close but it's just that I always find myself with out words. I need help figuring out what the heck I'm trying to say. I know that "i feel terrible. suicidal thoughts. I want it but I have no clue why" but I feel like nobody will have anything to say to it. meh i'm running around in circles here...circles and boxes that's all anything ever is anymore. I'm getting closer to maybe talking...to just one friend...maybe...

in the meantime I just keep coming back here...thank you all...

Ya I have big trouble expressing myself in words normally, let alone on this subject.

It helps, at least for me, to type it (aka post here)... sometimes just typing/ranting on the board helps me to better understand what I'm feeling.

I don't know the person you're thinking about, but do consider telling them a general thing, saying just that... (as you said)i feel terrible. suicidal thoughts. I want it but I have no clue why", maybe then saying, you're having trouble explaining it completely even to yourself and it's really hard to talk about, ...
or try what you're already doing, trying to think of how to explain it.

The thing is, at least for me, a lot of what I feel doesn't make the most clear logical sense, and when I say it its kinda like um that sounds wierd, or wrong, or wow they're going to think I'm stupid...
but I think, part of that's just embarrasment, and to just try to express as closely as possible what you feel even if it's general is better than remaining silent, and maybe even the best way to start conversation.

yeah you just hit my feelings right on the dot. The feelings seem so overwhelming when they're inside, then once they're released it's like they just...plop down in front of someone else making me feel worse...or something.

maybe one reason it might make you 'feel worse'... is that you have to admit to someone else how you're feeling, and that you have to face that reality yourself... and that's really hard to do

The conversation with your friend might not be as bad as you think. When my best friend saw my antidepressants, here's what he said:

"You don't look depressed."
"I'm really not anymore, that's why I take the pills."
"Ok, well then what are you depressed about?"
"Absolutely nothing. That's the problem. If I was depressed about something, I could just change it. I was just....depressed."
He shrugged and that was pretty much the end of it.

Actually, quite a few of my friends struggle with depression. Birds of a feather, flock together, right? Anyway, most people don't make a big deal of it. Some ignore it, some find it intriguing, and some just don't care.

They way I figure, those who would make a big deal of it are probably unhealthy influences on my life anyway. I suggest telling someone you're really close with. Just bring it up casually. If they start asking questions, just be honest. If they change the subject, leave it at that.

Came close last night...something else happened....family %#@&#! erupted...victim of abuse and I was watching my nephew and my bro&sis were drinking...got violent...one pulled a knife...they were hitting each other and going against walls and %#@&#!...I had to save the baby and we hid for a while...but I was abused and it was like...I saved him because I wished somebody would have saved me....idk.

so traumatizing. I almost SI'd. so close. it would have been bad. I caught myself...ran 4 miles at 5 am after no sleep. came home so exhausted I couldn't even think of SI anymore. So I guess that's good.

why does it have to be so hardddddddddddddddddddddddd. =*[

Sounds like not a good place to be that's for sure. You had the strength to save a baby though and presence of mind to get him outta there. Very brave and scary i bet. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. have your bro and sis stopped drinking?? I hope you are OK...take care, melanie

They sort of stopped drinking.
They stopped for that night. I can't be sure about forever or anything.
My sis says she's never drinking again because she would do anything for my brother. They sound so perfect...but then again that night was so horrible...bleh Idk.