Wasted Time

I don't know to type this down, but I'll try my best to describe how I feel about a certain problem. I've been dealing with depression for 10 years and I struggle with self esteem and constant reminder of the past. I've spent a lot of time loathing myself because I feel like that I'm not good enough. Up to around 6th grade in school I started to develop depression. I was bullied a lot in school and I've always struggled getting up from bed in the morning ever since I could walk, a quirk that seems like something I'm born with, a definite night owl I suppose.

I didn't do well in school, I never did my homework and I hated school. I've been to 5 schools and I had a bad time with all of them, but especially with 2 of them. After when I was done with school and what I would call a useless score, I feel like my depression getting worse and to the point that it affects me a lot. at the time, I developed suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, It feels like I've failed life and that I have no talents or opportunities to do anything special. I see no accomplishments in my own life, and time didn't seeen to get better after this part of life either.

The thought of wasted years bothers me a lot and I wish I knew how to get over my mistake, but I have a hard time to do so. I tend to compre myself to other people, like classmates, family members, online personalities, people I look up to and so on. This destroys my motivation to do anything. I have a lot of interests that I would like to work on, but I don't have anything to kick myself to start doing it. Stuff like drawing, painting, music, videos, even game development. I resent myself for wasting my own time and doing nothing.

I'm sure there's more stuff that I could mention, sucks when your slow minded. I would like to hear you people's opinion of this.