[Rose76]

My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear Rose, I was thinking, it might be good for you to find a grief support group, where other people are going through the same thing. You would feel like you are all going through it together. And you could help each other. Even give & receive a hug now & then. You might even end up with a new friend. What do you think? God bless you, Rose!

[Rose76]

That is a good idea. I will look for one.

Rose very sorry to hear it. I have followed some of your posts...

[TishaBuv]

My sincere condolences to you, Rose. You honorably cared for him for a long time. You are not alone and there are good times ahead.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.

I saw what my family member went through who constantly cared for another family member who was also lost to cancer. You haven't had time for yourself for years. I was only there the last week and going from checking and worrying 24 hours a day to nothing to check on was strange.

Your actions show how caring and compassionate you are. It was tough but you can be proud.

It will get better. As time passes, you will think more and more of his best qualities and his best days. Right now, you are picturing him as he was at the end. But this does fade. It really does.

[Mopey]

You can get through it, Rose. You are one strong lady and you gave 120%. You will make it, one day at a time.

I've followed your situation since I joined the Forum in 2018, and though I stopped responding because I didn't think my posts were helpful to you, I've continued to read yours.

I think the grief group is an excellent idea. Many have found them helpful.

My sincerest condolences on your devastating loss.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I saw what my family member went through who constantly cared for another family member who was also lost to cancer. You haven't had time for yourself for years. I was only there the last week and going from checking and worrying 24 hours a day to nothing to check on was strange.

Your actions show how caring and compassionate you are. It was tough but you can be proud.

It will get better. As time passes, you will think more and more of his best qualities and his best days. Right now, you are picturing him as he was at the end. But this does fade. It really does.

You do understand what it's like inside my mind now. The last few hours of his life on Sunday morning were pretty rough. He did not slip away easily. Yes, as you realize, those last hours dominate my thoughts. Thanks for your reassurance.

I have to get busy and ready to fly across the country. I must start doing the things I need to do.

[Rose76]

Thank you all above for the posts and hugs. I feel less alone.

[3rd rock]

I don't know what to say except that I'm so sorry for your sadness, pain, and loss. I hope you get through this.

[bpcyclist]

My heart goes out to you, Rose. Prayers and love to you.

[Train of Thought]

May all our shared condolences bring you comfort and may our prayers ease the pain of this loss and loneliness💞
You are a very brave and strong person to be able to do that for your loved one. Hope you won't forget that.
May the Lord give you strength and love to last until you can fall back into your families warm embrace.

[divine1966]

Oh Rose. I just see this post. I am so sorry so sorry. What can we do, if anything.

We are with you in spirit. Sometimes to get through this is to stay busy. And grief support could help. I send you many hugs.

[divine1966]

The 7 Best Online Grief Support Groups of 2020

Also if he was supported by hospice in his last days, they provide free counseling for a year after the death of your loved one and they also have resources, they should be able to help

[MimiBhaduri0]

Originally Posted by Rose76

My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.

Hugs and much love to you Rose76

[TerryL]

hi rose, i spent 26 years caring for my pets. they occupied my days and nights, my thoughts. my dearest friend was my ex but he was my ex. my mother was the only other constant in my life. when my pets died and my mom died, i was left purposeless and adrift and feeling so lonely. i still feel that way at times but that is only because i am very passive. you took such good care of your boyfriend. your posts were filled with all that you did for him despite the ups and downs. he was your world. now that he has passed, it might be quite an adjustment for you. you will have to find a new purpose. i really feel for you. you try to help others everywhere on pc. you really deserve to be happy.

[Deilla]

Rose, my thoughts are with you. I've followed some of your posts. You sound like a very caring and loving person. You're not alone. I know you will make it. As someone suggested, a support group will be good. Sending love and prayers.

[Rose76]

You all have given me a wonderful collective embrace.
Today I traveled with his body from the southwest to the northeast. Now being drive by family to be with family.

Sitting in the back seat, reading these posts was a comfort. Thank you, my friends.

[unaluna]

Thanks for letting us know what is going on. Im sure im not the only one here who is concerned for your wellbeing during this difficult time.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Rose76

My love and companion of 35 years died yesterday. I'm pretty much all alone until I travel 2000 miles to where my family is and where his is.

So I am here in his apartment, where I have lived most of the time, since 2014. I am surrounded by his absence. My grief hurts bad. I expected that. He died here at home in my arms yesterday. He had lung cancer and other serious illnesses as well.

This past week he kept wanting to embrace me. It was so sweet. I must not become depressed. I've been through grief before. Grief honors the person who is mourned. But depression is an evil monster. I can't let it claim me.

I need to take a shower. It's been days. I was so busy caring for him, I didn't find a good time to go in the bathroom long enough to shower. He had delirium. He would call me and panic, if he thought I wasn't here in the apartment with him. By the time he fell asleep at night, I was too exhausted to shower.

So now I can. This is the way to stay sane. To do what I need to do.

Right now my life almost feels like it's worth nothing without him here to love me.

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone.

I do have to be alone for awhile, but that's temporary. Please tell me I can get through this.

I'm sorry that you lost your husband to lung cancer. I lost my dad to lung cancer. Keep in yourself busy is one way to fight depression during this dark time.

[Breaking Dawn]

Thank you for your very sweet message, Rose. I'm so glad you got there safely & you're with family now. You are really remarkable, Rose. Hugs & love to you!!

[Rose76]

My sister and niece picked me up at the airport and brought me home with them. To be here with them makes the pain so much more tolerable. I'm lucky to have them right now.

[Rose76]

Thanks for coming through for me. Reading your notes yesterday coming thru NJ - not the nicest part of it, either - gave me something . . . like a big warm hand to hold onto. My niece, driving, and my sister, navigating, were appropriately preoccupied, and I felt alone in the back seat. It means so much to me that members here at PC have followed my story through my threads and offer warm support now.

My sister and my niece are taking good care of me, which is why I can honestly say I am not depressed. Yes, I mourn . . . but not every second of every hour. Right now I'm in a bubble bath my sister drew for me, sipping a wine spritzer my niece thought would be good for me. It is helping get rid of tension and body aches.

Here is my main problem right now. I was never close with my bf's adult children. Their mother was always wonderful to me both she and her 2nd husband. She told me that her kids distanced themselves from their dad, after the divorce, because he became a problem drinker. (Literally hit the skids. We all never knew when he was going to go on a spree.) She said that spilled over into how they treated me because I was with him. She told me she was sorry and advised me not to take it personally. At any family fhnction I attended, she and her second husband made me feel included. When she died 16 years ago, I felt I had lost the only real friend I had in my bf's family. His adult children were glad he had me in his life. I think it spared them some worries they might otherwise have had. He snd I had moved to the opposite corner of the country. When he developed dementia, they knew I made sure all his needs were met. I didn't bother them much. I texted them updates when he went in and out of the hospital.

Many months ago, I had is best clothes (suits, nice shirts, etc) dry cleaned and wanted to box them carefully and send them to his oldest daughter. (I would do this quietly, so as not to alarm my bf.) She told me not to . . . that she would select a and buy new things when the time came.

The day before I was to fly and accompany my bf's body 2000 miles, she asked the I bring out or ship out what he needed to be buried in.

I was a wreck, hardly able to pack my own little suitcase. I did resent being asked to do that at the last minute. I expressed that I felt overwhelmed. She sent me a defensive text message - saying this was no time for me to get upset because our minds should be on celebrating his life. Later I called her and the call escalated into her telling me I should know how much she appreciated me caring for her dad. She asked me if I knew the depth of her appreciation. I said I didn't know what to think. Then she started screaming and said for me to doubt her appreciation was "disgusting." She hung up, or I did. Then her husband called me and told me to never call her again. Hr told me that, whatever problem I had, I need to "Deal with it!" Then be hung up.

Tonight I'm worrying that I can never trust anyone. I'm worrying that my sister might get sick of me soon and turn on me. I'm afraid I won't be safe until I get home to my own apartment and stay by myself alone.

My sister is being so nice. I'm afraid this is a pretty bubble that may burst any second. It feels so good being cared for at this time . . . but I keep thinking that maybe I'm in the way.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear Rose, no matter how they end up being, nothing can take away from the love you & your boyfriend shared. And your treasured memories will always live in your heart. And no matter what the unkind people say or do, many more people understand & love you! Hopefully a few people there really care & you can spend most of your time with them. God bless you, dear Rose! Hugs & love to you!!

[Rose76]

I enjoyed the bubble for a long time. I haven't had access to a tub for a long time. I guess I was in there for 2 hours. Nobody who knows me well would find that strange.

When I came out, my sister was furious. She thought I had taken a lot of drugs and was going to commit suicide ny drownding

She was so angry. I was in the tub right through dinner time. That was rude of me. They were having steak. Maybe she was waiting to cook a steak for me. It was a jacuzzi tub and I was enjoying it. I figured she'ld say something, if she wanted to plan to cook mr a steak.

So I was in the bubble bath, reading on line, relaxing so enjoyably, and she was becoming royally pissed off. I got to get oit of here.