[Rider52]

I was doing much better with my anxiety, but it has come back. I still get a low feeling mood that comes and goes. Last week I was sleeping good. Then the last couple days I've had a restless sleep. I'm still getting the hypnagogic voices when trying to sleep. After that I wake up again. I just feel so lost with all of this and don't know what's going on. I've asked for professional help and I'm not getting any answers.

[KBMK]

Hi Rider52, can you remember a time you ever felt really safe? Just wondering as you seem to be really stuck for what is triggering your anxiety and insomnia. I'll try and tell you my experience in brief, as it's something I've had a bit of a breakthrough with...

I don't remember ever feeling safe even as a small child. The first thing I remember is seeing a yellow dummy (pacifier) that I could just manage to crawl to and reach, then absolute wonder at reaching it. It was like a beacon of hope. This is something I have only come to realise recently, so I don't know how it will affect me, but I'm pretty sure that I have always attached to some object, substance, or behaviour as a kind of lifesaver. I've had very short periods of sobriety...I think this is the first time I've really gone without, and it's just been one solid week. I'm getting a feeling that has always plagued me, and which I have always found a way to "manage". It's the same feeling that keeps me up at night, has me acting up badly, and gets me really tired. I think it's why I have had previous diagnoses of anxiety and depression, substance abuse issues, and an episode of psychosis.

It feels like I am bursting out, I am completely alone and in utter despair. I don't think I could do what I'm doing now if I wasn't in an objectively safe place of my own.

I know that I had outbursts as a child. I believe that it was a reaction to something physically life threatening that happened to me as an infant. I've got good reasons to believe this, but even if there's a different reason, that's the feeling. I remember something shifting when I was very young, and being able to calmly observe my own outburst. I had to manage them myself otherwise I was completely rejected (abandoned on the street) by my mother. I was never able to safely express this awful feeling.

The thing that has felt like a breakthrough is the understanding that these are feelings...namely fear and despair, accompanied by a stress reaction. I've stopped trying to manage this with pacifiers and controls, and instead just let it happen. I've been feeling how it's a deep pain, but then it eases off and I'm just stroppy for a bit. I really believe it will work itself out.
I'm reflecting on all the consequences of my "managing", "acting up" and clinging to "lifesavers". They've been pretty bad.

I get that I developed these behaviours as survival strategies, but I'm handing back the responsibility for my survival...I don't get to control when my time's up, just how I live while I'm alive.
It's working through the twelve steps that has really got me on this path, and it's probably too soon to say, but it seems like the right one.

Sorry if this doesn't help you in finding your answers...but keep looking and asking questions, and I know it's easier said than done, but please don't be afraid of the answers you might get. I think sometimes our dreams and visions are forcing us to face up to our own scary truth.

It does sound like you are feeling unsafe, and if this is really a new development, do you think you can put your mind to the time you did feel really safe, and just notice what the differences are? I'm rooting for you ᕦ(ಠ_ಠ)ᕤ
╰(*´︶`*)╯ K

[bpcyclist]

What kind of help are you getting and what did they say?

Hugs.

[Rider52]

Hi, I had a mental health assessment recently and they really didn't give me an answer. They said try counseling or visit your PCP. What I think is happening is the hypnagogic hallucinations I get are stressing me out. It's making it hard for me to get a good sleep. I keep thinking it's a mental health issue and some mental health professionals said it isn't. There isn't many options here for mental health.

[sarahsweets]

Are you on any medication for anxiety?

[Rider52]

I have medication for anxiety attacks as needed. It does help at times. I'm just concerned about what's going on. I do have some up times though.