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Default Dec 05, 2021 at 10:51 PM
  #581
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Originally Posted by LiteraryLark View Post
Today I was on the sales floor, and it was very nice. I wish I wasn't as grumpy with people when I'm on the register. I just can't stand cashiering anymore. Today I thought about smoking all day long. I quit for a week but broke down and smoked all day yesterday, then today no cigarettes. I'm severely depressed and have suicidal thoughts because of it plus because of the fire plus the loss of a friendship and everything that goes with it...I'm losing hope on a lot of things.
Thank you for posting here, @LiteraryLark! With all the things you're mentioning, anyone would be depressed. I hope things will be better for you soon!

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Default Dec 06, 2021 at 07:03 AM
  #582
Today I could not get out of bed in the morning, I stayed in bed till about 4pm. I have not yet brushed my teeth or combed my hair. It is around 5:30pm now. I just had coffee. I'm getting worse with each day. Don't know what the future holds for me.
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Default Dec 06, 2021 at 11:02 AM
  #583
I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I have a lot to do around the house and I don't have the energy. I don't know what I will do.

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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 11:41 AM
  #584
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Originally Posted by SprinkL3 View Post
Thank you for sharing, zapatoes. I struggle with those things, too.

But the truth is, we're people who were hurt and are now struggling with the effects of that hurt. All of those internalized messages - whether they be from our abusive and/or neglectful parents in childhood or from societal messages that somehow exacerbate our conditions - those still hurt.
I struggle with those things too. Thanks for sharing zapatoes and sprinkL3. I agree with this post.

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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #585
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Originally Posted by Buffy01 View Post
My family and their toxic friends are a trigger for my depression. I been feeling really depressed because of how bad I been feeling because of how down I been feeling because of how hurt I been feeling because of the rude comments that were made.
Mean people suck Toxic, mean, abusive families super suck


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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 11:49 AM
  #586
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Is guilt part of depression, maybe it is, but why. Sometimes feel guilty, was I the best I could be, did I do everything I could, am I bad daughter, bad friend, good coworker. It is interesting to learn that depression can include psychosis symptoms.
I read somewhere in a book (I can give you the title if you would like) something like ''I will keep on doing my best even if my ''best sucks''..... (who says or has said that our ''best sucks'' or that ''we suck'' In my case the family of origin was neglectful, pathologically mean (but affluent) and abusive and chronically ''disappointed''

I agree with the other poster about how often this feeling of guilt and hurt originates from abusive and/or neglectful parents/families and then messages from society can reinforce this. I would like to add that nearly always those negative, blaming messages are WRONG.


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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 11:55 AM
  #587
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My T helped me and some of my parts yesterday in session (online). She helped us realize that we are not bad, but that bad things happened to us. There were alters who were "groomed" to do icky things when they were in their early teens, so my T helped them feel not as guilty. She also understood that other parts inside had experienced different kinds of trauma as well. She understands why we're depressed. She helps us to slowly find our way to enjoying life - one itty bitty piece at a time.
This sounds like a good therapist

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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 11:58 AM
  #588
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It's 2am here in the UK. I went to bed early because I'd had enough of the day and just wanted to sleep. Now I'm wide awake, stressing about the days ahead and wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I've spoken to T online this week, but it's not enough. I can't phone anyone at night 'cos it's not private. My H doesn't understand how bad things are. I tried to tell him a while back that I was having really dark thoughts. His response: 'if that's how you feel, just do it.'
Why would you say that to someone you supposedly love? Depression Vent Room for Misfits

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I'm very sorry your H said that East17

I do not share my darkest thoughts with my husband. He would not say anything like that but he would be sad and stressed


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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 12:13 PM
  #589
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I am sad because I was broken as a child and now I cannot relate or connect to anyone. I am alone and I prefer it that way, but my biology betrays me. It craves social connections as I reject them, consciously creating a internal contradiction and making me tedious. I wish I wasn't me.

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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 12:16 PM
  #590
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I'm not looking forward to the zoom meeting later today. My own fault for saying I'd fit in with everyone else. But meeting at 4pm causes me a lot of unnecessary stress at home, so next time I'll say no to late afternoons.

The crazy thing is that it's voluntary, I'm not even getting paid for all the ***** I'm putting up with. It was supposed to be something to help other people and also something for me, to keep myself occupied while I'm at home all day.

Because of this meeting and needing to be mentally alert, I purposely didn't take all the stuff I usually take to knock me out, so consequently haven't slept well. The day hasn't even started yet and I'm already wishing it was over.

I don't see an end to this situation. Not until one of us isn't here anymore. The way things are going, that's likely to be me.

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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 12:46 PM
  #591
Depression Vent Room for Misfits

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Heart Dec 09, 2021 at 12:55 PM
  #592
Thank you, @Fuzzybear! Bless your heart!

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Heart Dec 09, 2021 at 06:53 PM
  #593
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I struggle with those things too. Thanks for sharing zapatoes and sprinkL3. I agree with this post.


Sorry you struggle with those things, too, @Fuzzybear
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Default Dec 09, 2021 at 07:30 PM
  #594
I think SAD has me or maybe it's Sundowners. I start feeling lonely and sad around 4 pm. I used my sunlamp tonight and I'm going to try to play my game. I'm in the queue right now. I may have to go to bed.

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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 10:14 AM
  #595
To save some money, I put my therapy on a 2-week hold. It's going to be hard not having online therapy for that long. I guess I will try to journal more and post here as often as I can. I feel okay today. I am working on chores and getting ready to play some game.

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Default Dec 10, 2021 at 12:19 PM
  #596
I've been having moments when I just have to cry, & then I seem to switch into something that feels stronger.

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Heart Dec 11, 2021 at 08:06 PM
  #597
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I've been having moments when I just have to cry, & then I seem to switch into something that feels stronger.
@Breaking Dawn - ((( safe hugs ))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. I'm afraid of crying. I sometimes cry, but then an alter takes over and completes it for me. Or I am inside crying while an alter is outside handling life for me.

I hope you feel better.
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Default Dec 11, 2021 at 09:35 PM
  #598
I feel helpless and hopeless. Nothing I'm doing is working. I tried so hard to support myself. I'm just a creative failure. No one wants my music, art or books. I did the things I love but the money never did follow. I give up. I quit. It costs me more money to create things. I can't do it anymore.

I feel very depressed. I feel like a failure.

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Heart Dec 12, 2021 at 10:06 AM
  #599
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I feel helpless and hopeless. Nothing I'm doing is working. I tried so hard to support myself. I'm just a creative failure. No one wants my music, art or books. I did the things I love but the money never did follow. I give up. I quit. It costs me more money to create things. I can't do it anymore.

I feel very depressed. I feel like a failure.
@Deilla - (((( safe hugs ))))

Don't beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself when it comes to business ventures and your creativity. Currently, there are inflation issues, and many people are being thrifty with their dollars. The focus for supply and demand these days includes necessity items (food, household needs, masks, sanitation supplies, healthcare savings or expenses, clothing). Unfortunately, for luxury items like arts, crafts, etc., I think people are not able to afford them because of this ongoing pandemic as well as ongoing political issues. Many businesses are suffering from this.

As far as books and journals are concerned, more and more people are using technology, which saves space, paper, trees, landfills, the environment, the climate, trash company overwhelm, donations overwhelm, etc. E-books are more in style for some (not all) consumers. Don't beat yourself up or take it personally when your things don't sell. Many entrepreneurs are struggling these days, and some have had to change careers altogether.

Your self-help may exacerbate feelings of loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and grief/loss at times - especially if you were neglected as a child (both emotionally and physically), and especially if you were also parentified as a child and/or teen (having to take care of a disabled parent, having to take care of a substance-abusing parent, having to take care of siblings, having to take care of household responsibilities - all the while not being appreciated or thanked for your altruistic actions and behaviors, feeling a sense of obligation whilst also feeling a sense of "nothing is ever good enough," etc.). In times when you feel this way, reach out for emotional support (in particular), which includes asking trustworthy friends or family specifically for emotional support and other-based care. For example, you can ask us here online for someone to tell you a joke, or tell you a bedtime story for your inner child (if you have one), or give you positive affirmations that we've noticed about you (such as I - collectively known as SprinkL3 - have seen you show your efforts and strengths in persevering with your coping and emotional processing here online, and then getting back up a day or two later to try, try again; those are some great accomplishments!), etc. You can also ask people in real life to meet you safely outside while you go for a walk outdoors, and you can require that they are boosted/vaccinated and masked, if that makes you feel more comfortable. You can ask them to please be gentle with you as you share your emotions and/or thoughts, and to ask them if it is too much to have them tell you in a kind way that it might be too much for them, so that you don't feel rejected. You can ask an online or in-person support group that is NOT anonymous (such as Zoom support groups or therapy-led support groups) to help validate your feelings.

As far as new business prospects, you can reinvent yourself and your career at any stage in life. I was recently reminded from a retired psychologist's blog that even a woman in her 100s was reinventing what she does in life before she dies, as she wants to make her relationships with others more meaningful, for example, as well as wanting to change her name. It was an interesting blog piece, but what I got out from that was that it is never too late to change course on our life's journey. Your life's journey includes your healing journey, physical health journey, career journey, hobby journey, socialization journey, and so much more. Ask yourself what things inspire you - for you, not necessarily for others. If you struggle with that question, explore that with your T and/or with trusted others. Find your passions again - with or without the need to please others through sales, through merchandise, through your creative inventions, etc. When you're happy about doing a hobby for yourself and only yourself, others will see that, regardless if what you create or do is something worth marketing. If your passion includes creativity, could it be blended with a different career prospect such as desktop publishing, becoming an art therapist, etc.? You could elect to save the creativity as a hobby (instead of a career) and then choose a career just to pay the bills and fulfill a societal need (instead of an internal one), but if that's the case, make sure work-life balance is there in your newfound career. Be open to all possibilities in life, because life is always changing.

Hang in there.

Your efforts are recognized and validated, even if you didn't get the outcome you initially expected.
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Default Dec 12, 2021 at 11:24 AM
  #600
''should'' I go back to that mean place where they ''don't like me''?

I'm sure plenty there do ''like me''.... but a few trolls and bullies decided I was ''too sensitive'' and made multiple mean, snide posts about me and even got me into ''difficulties'' with the mods.... I received a mean message.

These people are not ''dangerous''... at least not to me... but I found their behaviour ''offensive'''... as it was obviously intended to be.

They have no more right to be there than I do. In fact I was trying to be helpful in livening up an apparently ''ailing'' and ''too quiet'' board. This was before that ******** which everyone is talking about. Everyone apart from me, that is....

Sorry about the rant

Not about anyone on msf, past or present

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