Back in grief and need some help.

Hello my P.C. friends. I needed and got a lot of very helpful support from you this past summer, after my boyfriend of many years died from cancer. I got hospitalized twice (in Jun and in Aug) due to grief causing terrible depression. That helped, and sharing with you on a couple of threads here also helped. Around mid-Sept, I had a huge breakthrough and I was out of the awful pit. Since then, right up till yesterday, I was doing well, with no serious depressive spells happening . . . just what I would call normal grief experience. Now and then I'ld get weepy for a bit, but it would pass. I was taking care of myself and my apartment and other affairs. While depressed this summer, I had lost about 15 pounds. I gained back 7. (Been cooking good meals and eating well.)

Yesterday, I fell into the pit again for the first time since before mid-Sept. Today I've been quite low. It's all due to a discovery I made yesterday. Someone I didn't know very well was storing my bf's car for me. I had vacated his apt (which was handicap-accessible) back in June and returned to my own. My landlord wouldn't let me keep my bf's car on the property where I live. A nurse's aid who had helped me care for him in the last month of his life needed a vehicle, after hers was in an accident. I lent her my bf's car. We agreed she'ld store it for a while. Now and then I'ld text her to see if that was working out. Seemed like it was. Yesterday, I went to retreive the car. She wasn't home, but we agreed she'ld leave it out of her garage and I'ld just pick it up with my spare key. I Ubered over there yesterday. The car was there and looked okay. When I got inside, I saw that the interior was completely trashed and the windshield broken. When I started it up, it was undriveable.

This car had was old, but gently used for years. It had only 57,000 miles on the odometer. It had been well-cared for and had purred like a kitten when I lent it to this gal. Now the engine was extremely rough, noisy and kept cutting out. The brakes pretty much hardly worked at all. Interior was filthy. Driver's inside door handle half busted off.

I Ubered home. Inside my house, I broke down crying. I felt so bad I had let this happen. I had taken a wild gamble in trusting this person. I knew there was a chance something bad could happen to the car. Still, I was aghast at the extent of the abuse meeted out to this old, but nice, solid little car. Obviously, she lent it around to one or more bad characters.

I had no intentions of selling the car. My plan was to give it to someone who needed a car. I had someone in mind. Actually, I have 2 friends who could have used it. So it's not like I was out any money on the vehicle. (It's beyond repair, I'm sure.) But last evening, I fell into grief and depression over the car.

The car is an old machine. It's a thing . . . and a thing I didn't need. (I have a decent car of my own.) But, last night, in between sobs, I was saying to my bf's spirit how terribly sorry I was that I let this happen to something he had spent years paying for and caring for. I feel like I disrespected him and his life by letting just anyone go off with this car. I don't know how I'm even going to forgive myself. If he were here, he would be so angry with me. His kids had told me years ago to sell the thing, when he was no longer able to drive. But we both wanted to keep it. It was the "errand car," while my bigger car was for me taking him to doctors in.

I am breaking down crying now, just from texting this post. My cheeks are all wet with tears. I knew I was taking a chance. I told myself that, if this aid and her family wrecked the car, I would just chalk it up as a failed experiment in trusting a relative stranger. But now I feel such grief that I let something precious to my bf be trashed like it has been. For months, I didn't even check up on the car.

I don't even blame the nurse's aid. I had figured out that she was part of a screwball family. I don't believe she trashed the car. I believe she must have lent it to males in her life who just road the heck out of it.

I am telling myself that it is just a lesson in life . . . and that I deserve to feel sad and remorseful for a while. But I don't want this to drag me back down into serious depression. It's not that important. But I feel myself sinking into that dark pit.

Thanks for listening. Any encouragement would be much appreciated.

The car is like a little piece of my sweetheart who is gone from me. And it's been destroyed. The value that was still in that car was from what he had earned. If it had not been abused, that car could have been reliable transportation for a good few years more. Someone could have had their life much improved by the gift of that car. Then I would have felt such joy seeing this small legacy of my bf's continuing to provide value for someone. It would mean that something my bf accomplished was still enduring. And I let it just get trashed.

My bf had very nice furniture and a lot of expensive medical equipment. (Thousands of dollars worth.) I wasn't up to selling stuff. I donated most of it. I was so pleased that I found good homes for just about everything. I was so glad to know that valuable stuff was "rehomed" where it could do much good. People were so glad to get things. That warmed my heart. I'm so sorry I blew it with the car. Right now I can't even forgive myself. It was such laziness on my part. I haven't done the paperwork at court to be authorized to transfer title to the car. Now I have to get it towed to a junkyard. I should have, at least, taken the plates off yesterday. I forgot that.

Please help me accept what can't be changed . . . and get busy doing what still needs to be done. Dirty dishes are piling up in the kitchen. I stayed in bed most of today. I'm getting way too disheartened over this. I wonder whether he'ld forgive me, if he were here.

In just putting these posts together, I have become an emotional wreck. Please help me figure out how to get past this.

Rose, you accomplished this:
A nurse's aid who had helped me care for him in the last month of his life needed a vehicle, after hers was in an accident. I lent her my bf's car.
You have a good heart and deserve credit for this. Whenever I help people out, I never assume I will get back what I gave. The vehicle served your bf, then the nurse's aid, it's OK if that is all it did. Both new and old vehicles are wrecked all the time and many times, it wasn't the person's fault. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Right after getting a Subaru (really love how Subaru's drive), I let my son take it to an audition. He was hit from behind (the vehicle was totaled but he was OK) and it was not his fault. I guess I just was not meant to have that car. So many thing happen in this life that are not our fault. I know you are struggling because the car reminds you of him. Hugs.

Thanks for your post, TunedOut.

I knew there was a chance something could happen to the car. I knowingly factored that risk into my decision to lend her the car. I did tell her that, if something happens, it happens . . . and I won't be mad. Over the years, I've had a few cars of mine totaled out in accidents - where my degree of fault varied from none to all-my-fault. I never saw it as something to boohoo about excessively. I just thanked heaven that no one was hurt in any of those crashes.

If she called and said that she or a family member or friend had been in an accident, then the loss would not have been as hard on me. It hurt more to see that the car had been just crapped on over and over. It took repeated, severe, deliberate abuse to do what was done to this vehicle. There were no major exterior new dents indicating any accident. This vehicle went through successive stages of being worse and worse trashed. All the while, we exchanged occasional texts, where she said the car was okay. To see such wanton waste upset me.

Her problems are likely way worse than mine. I learned she was having marital problems. (Because she told me so.) I think she has people in her life that she tried to help by lending out the car, and they had no respect for her. Then she was probably ashamed to contact me. I don't even need her to feel bad or to feel sorry. I gave her charge of something that she just couldn't maintain responsibility for. Her life is probably chaotic in other ways. I'm glad I'm not her. I way over-estimated what she was capable of handling. I suspect she is actually an abuse victim.

Thanks for understanding that, right now, this is more a sentimental wound than anything else. Like you, I never assume that anything I lend is ever coming back. I was raised by a parent who instilled that in me, for which I am very grateful.

My bf is beyond being hurt by this. Nobody is going to be mad at me for this. Handing the car over to a stranger was no safer than leaving it on the street by me would have been (which I could have done.) That's one of the lessons to take away. I'm always advising other PC members that it takes a LOT of time in knowing someone before you can have the least idea about what they can be trusted with. I knew I was taking a wild gamble. But the outcome still surprised me.

I'm not going to claim my capacity to trust has been demolished by this. It hasn't been. I was willfully living with my head in LaLa land. I put too much temptation in the path of a family with signs of serious dysfunction. This aid always showed up late for work - like WAY late. In future I won't blow off that kind of unreliability as a minor foible. That level of disorganization, which she displayed, is likely a sign of deeper, more pervasive problems. I'm still grateful to her for the help she provided when our previous aid got suddenly very sick, and this gal stepped in to help with care that involved heavy lifting. I liked her, and I made excuses for her unreliability. I kind of idealized her. In future, I think I'll keep more detached emotionally, in assessing someone who seems like my hero of the day.

Tomorrow I need to get dressed and wash the dishes and look for paperwork I need for court. I can't justify being all despondent and bedridden, just because of a material loss that doesn't even create much hardship for me.

Yesterday, I kinda wasted almost $50 on Uber. Next I've got to possibly spend money getting the car towed. Financially, I'll manage okay. Emotionally, I'm floundering. I appreciate any support.

First of all, i am So Sorry for your Loss! i understand that you must feel hurt by seeing something that belonged to your boyfriend being treated like this. But Please remember that it was not your fault as you did not do any direct damage on that car. Mistakes happen and although the decision to lend that car was yours, it was still a decision made in good Faith and it was ultimately their responsability to handle it with care, so Please don't beat yourself up for this. i am confidend that you will be able to get through this, one step at the time, and i agree that it is pointless to assign blame to others as it won't change what happene. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Rose76, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I'm deeply sorry this has happened. May you find the strength and focus to do what you feel necessary.
Is abandoning the car an option in your locality?

You are a very good, nice, caring person. The car incident symbolizes the deeper feelings of love, devotion, and grief for you.

You said you hadn’t done title work on the car and now have to pay to tow it to a junkyard. Are you sure doing that now is what you have to do about the car? Are you planning to pay to junk it out of being a nice person or because you (not the owner of the car) have to?

You have such a kind heart Rose, it makes me happy to see all the good you did out of the tragedy you had to go through. I can see how devastated you are about the car. It's not your fault though. Like you said, she must have loaned it to someone else who wasn't caring towards it. Continue to take care of yourself

Sorry to hear about this. You had worked very hard for your boyfriend and did a great job of it. Caretaking for someone not very well is challenging. There were times when I had a "delayed reaction" to grief, from those in my family who had passed away. The delayed reaction felt stronger than when the deaths happened.

Sorry about your car, too. There had been times when I had very strong grief from losing "things" also. Sometimes the things I lost felt stronger than the people I lost.

Hugs and thanks to all of you above. Finding these posts just now has warmed my heart.

I feel responsible for the car, regardless of its condition. I suppose abandoning it might be something I could get away with. However, I would prefer to handle its disposal myself.

My bf had planted rose bushes outside his apt. I hired a guy to dig them up. I paid him $60, which be was very happy with. I could have just left the bushes for the maintenance crew at the apt complex to dig up. But those bushes were deeply rooted and represented my bf's effort and care. I wanted to be the one (even indirectly) who pulled them out of the ground. To me, tying up these loose ends - like the rose bushes and the car - feels like a sacred obligation. They are just things. But I care very much about what they represent to me.

I will look into my options regarding disposal of the car. If I can find a party who would want it for scrap, then maybe it could be towed without costing me much. I will research that. Even if it would cost me $200, I would pay that, as a way of putting this behind me in a manner that gives me some closure.

I so appreciate your responses and suggestions. I do need to get the plates off the car and turn them in to Motor Vehicle. I should find the car title and a death certificate. Those might need to be seen by MVD and whoever tows the car. I don't want the salvage company charging me storage fees. Disposition of this vehicle needs to be conclusive.

Yes, this is a kind of "delayed grief" reaction. We can invest a lot of emotional attachment to things. Many years ago, I called a salvage company to tow away a car of mine that had been totaled in an accident. As the towed car disappeared around a corner a block away, I surprised myself by crying. It was an old car worth little. I guess it represented a piece of my life. I felt like I was saying a final goodbye to a friend.

In 2010, I stopped my car one night to remove the body of a dead dog from off the asphalt. I couldn't abide the thought of cars continuing to crush this dog's poor body beneath their wheels. A very nice couple pulled up behind my car and helped. They offered to dispose of the body, as they lived in the town whereas I did not. I contributed a large trash bag from my truck. Had it been the body of a cat, I would not have stopped. (Sorry, cat lovers.) But I felt the dog deserved more respect, even in death. (I'm a dog lover.)

I do know sentimentality can get overdone. As a kid, I once saw a doll sticking out of a garbage can, outside of a house on the street where I lived. I passed it by. That night I felt guilty that I hadn't "rescued" the doll. I told myself to stop fretting over a piece of vinyl. I knew I was being silly. I guess it was the human-like face that got to me. But the image of the abandoned doll haunted me for quite a while.

Most importantly, I have to stop mooning around in depression over this. Making myself do things is very hard right now. But I have to make myself. That's what got me out of depression in Sept. If I would just go do the dishes, I would start to feel less depressed. First, though, I want to lie down for a while. I should set a time limit on that. Part of me wants to give up.

Thank you all for understanding so much.

I did lie down at 2 p.m. and fell asleep. Now I've just woken up . . . almost 2 hours later. It's nearly 4 p.m. This is too much time I'm spending doing nothing. I've got to snap out of this.

I did all the dishes from past 3 days. I lit some candles. I think tomorrow will be better.

I have to try harder and not give up so easily. Part of my trouble is the neck and back being sore. A Vicodin tablet doesn't help as much as it used to. But people soldier on with way bigger crosses.

(((Rose))) there is no way he can be angry with you. You went above and beyond for him in too numerous ways to mention. I am sorry you saw the car in the condition you saw it in. It’s always disappointing to see how people don’t take care of things. I think you are correct in how this reflects how others in this woman’s life disrespect her.

Thanks, OE. In Sept I learned that I can heal . . . even from what seems impossible to heal from. I'm telling myself that I will heal from this. This is an unexpected disappointment. It's really not that big of a deal. I was naiive. I got taught a lesson. I'm disillusioned, but illusions are not good to live with.

In reading your reaction to how you feel Rose IMO it is a lot deeper than "just a car" too. Our parents came from the generation that lived through the depression and that generation really appreciated whatever they had and they respected the value of what they had and took good care of what they had. Whenever that generation got anything they took good care of it and they also raised their children to respect and appreciate what was in the home and even the car. Charity was valued and important too and we learned to take care of and respect the things others gave us. When someone gave us something we were raised to take care of whatever it was to show respect and appreciation. Growing up many of us who did not care and have respect for things given to us were encouraged to feel guilt.

When you shared how you saw that doll in the garbage that it upset you and you wanted to "rescue" it, that is reflecting how deeply it was instilled in you how important it was to take care of something you owned. Often a doll is not just discarded like that, but instead taken care of and given to another child when the child is done playing with it or outgrows it.

My parents who grew up during the depression often had to appreciate any toy they got, often even getting ONE toy was a big deal because many parents were poor and even being able to eat meat was a big deal or having enough food and the bare necessities was a big deal. My parent's generation grew up learning how to be resourceful.

I bet this feeling you have about this car not being taken care of goes way back for you and it's not really just a car but something deeply instilled in you from an early age. I believe you that you feel that your SO would be angry and how that car was important to him and he made it a point to keep it nice. Even though he got to a point where he could not drive, he was allowed to have his car. Truth is, even when a person can't drive a car as was the case with my parents, the car represents something very important to that person and it was so nice that you never got rid of it while your SO was still alive. There is more to how you felt than an object so I want to respect that challenge as it's a very real challenge. I don't want to dismiss what I feel is a geninue challenge because there is definitely "more" to it that deserves respect. And you are right in that it isn't about the money aspect, instead it's about respecting something that someone you deeply cared about treasured.

I would have been very upset myself Rose. In fact, I have actually been traumatized with what I experienced when it came to all I went through when it came to the last years of my parent's lives. I actually saw your thread because I have been so depressed that I wanted to talk about it in this forum. I also have been struggling again and have been emotionally exhausted and have this sentiment where I feel that the response could be and has been "it's just stuff". Yet, it's not just stuff and I want to say that I am impressed that you have such a deep level of respect as that isn't respected the way it should be.

Even before my parent's passed the amount of disrespect I suffered through was incredible. There were times I distanced because it got so horrible. The top of my list that was important to me was to be able to visit my parent's home and have privacy to sit and mourn them. It was especially important to me given that there isn't any graves I could visit privately. So my parent's home was much like your SO's car that they spent years paying for and it was important to them. I was not prepared to finally get inside and see all their things out on tables and how their home was so invaded and pulled apart. I was not prepared to have my sister totally disrespect my space and desire to have privacy either. Truth is, what I experienced did deeply traumatize me and yet the response I got was wanting me to dismiss that and not care. Truth is, I STILL desire having time and privacy to sit with what is left and mourn. And when anyone dismisses that need, I genuinely feel that what my parents meant to me personally is not being respected.

I admire how you respect your SO as much as you do, that you loved him despite his imperfections, and that you were so loyal to him right down to his last breath. I am very sorry that you had to see something you knew was important to him disrespected. I do know how that can bring about some very deep and challenging emotions including guilt about something that was deeply instilled that is so hard to put into words.

However, the truth is Rose that it's very human to have these feelings about respecting another person's possessions. We discover this all the time when we find ancient graves of individuals that were buried with the things that were important to them during their lives. It's certainly not any crime that you would feel the way you feel at all. It's actually very touching that you have this amount of respect. I also think that as you share about how this happened that you are more than likely right where this woman you gave this car to was not respected and that it was not her that caused the damage you saw. It's nice that you have the ability to consider that as some people don't have that kind of thoughtful patience and may just direct their anger at a person that doesn't deserve it. It shows you have true ability to be "considerate" and that consideration is genuine. Actually Rose, this is most likely why your father wanted you around him more than your siblings too. It was because you had the ability to be considerate and you still have that which is why it's been so hard to sort through all these items in your apartment.

It's not a crime that you struggled with this experience and you felt a lot of challenging emotions about it. That it even tired you out to the point where you left your dishes dirty for a few days. It was good that you found that man to help you organize, he had a presence that fit for you in that he has the ability to be considerate. Considerate of the gravity of the job, being efficient where he accomplishes what you pay him to accomplish and showing patience and consideration as well.

I think that where ever your SO is, he would be touched by the consideration you have in how he would feel about his car. Yet, he is someplace where that car is no longer important. He certainly would be touched by how even with him gone you remain so very considerate of who he was and that you felt so much for him to be so incredibly considerate.

I am not doing very well myself right now so I hope my input gives this challenge the respect it deserves. I admire your level of respect and consideration. And it’s ok to feel and work through this where you find your own sense of resolve.

Thanks, O.E.

The passing of time will ease this pain and regret that I feel. I learned that in Sept, when I recovered from severe, unhealthy grief to what I would describe as "normal grief." Before that, I had been wishing I had never been born. In June, very briefly, I had felt suicidal. I posted on my threads here that I did not believe I could recover emotionally from how grief-stricken I felt.

Life surprises us. I was wrong. The horrid anguish of fresh grief does not last. Others were telling me that "It's always there, but you learn to live with it." Even that's not true, either, IMHO. Acute grief, IMO, is temporary. If it fails to subside, then the person has some other severe psychological damage that the grief is simply triggering. I thought my propensity for depression was that kind of damage, and that I was doomed to unrelenting awful pain from thereon in. It turns out that I'm not that damaged.

Chronically recurring depression is a miserable cross to have to drag along through life. But it hasn't kept me from living a fairly normal life. In between episodes of depression, I have stretches of time during which my quality of life is pretty good. There is enough in my makeup that's healthy. It turns out that I can cope with great loss. I had before in my life. In Sept, I regained my emotional footing and knew I would be basically alright. But depressive tailspins can, and will, still occur. That's never going to stop being a chronic challenge. That's who I am.

So I have this tailspin to pull up out of. A lot has gone right in the transition I've had to make in adjusting to being alone without a sig. other. I've been lucky, in how much has gone right. I found the help I needed for things that were too much for me alone - like physically clearing out his apt and getting my apt cleaned and straightened out. The arrangement I made with the car seemed nice and neat and easy. I was hoping for too much from a person I really didn't know. Her taking the car reduced my stress. I spent 7 months not worrying about the car. That was a luxury that ended up exacting a price. So, what's done is done.

Thank you, everyone, for understanding that the car represented a whole lot more than just the big, old machine that it is. I probably couldn't have sold it for more than a few hundred bucks; it was a 2002. Since getting my driver's license, 4 cars of mine have been totaled out in accidents. I got through those losses just fine. When I lost that 4rth car, the outcome of that actually ended up benefitting me a lot. Like I said above, life sure can surprise us.

I have to do now, what I did in Sept. I have to focus on what needs my attention next. That means getting up from this couch, getting dressed and tackling the paperwork involved in getting the legal authority to dispose of the car. I guess I'll start that tomorrow.

Procrastinating. If I could stop doing the big P, I'ld have fewer problems to untangle. I let things go too long.