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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 06:25 PM
  #1
Hey all. I am interested in this....with your depression, have you experienced this, trying to do some task or even just basic things after you wake up, or during the day, but if you force yourself to do the thing, it feels like you skipped warmup before doing a harder workout? If that makes sense... like this way you feel you have to put in more energy to do the task than necessary, and it feels almost painful, painfully forced.

I'd be VERY interested if anyone found ways to warmup properly without that taking long hours lol.



***

I noticed one thing so far for myself, if I can talk to someone or I just feel it's like someone is listening to me (even if I'm just journalling alone or writing somewhere online where no one is currently paying attention but they might read it later). Then, if I can feel someone is paying attention like that, I'm able to talk spontaneously about something kind of negative and then after that I might be warmed up for the task, for a while at least.

Problem: with journalling I don't often feel this mood that it's like someone is paying attention (even tho' I'm alone).

And I am not even sure if this is the only way to do the warmup. I'd like to find other ways.

***



Thanks so much for any response!
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 04:09 PM
  #2
This makes sense to me. I'm not good with words right now but wanted you to know I've read your post. Thanks for sharing

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Smile Jan 04, 2021 at 05:07 PM
  #3
Sorry this doesn't answer your question. But there's no warm-up for me. I have a list of things I have to do each day. (As my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." So I do.) Routine is important to me. I don't have to think about what I need to do next. I just do it because whatever it is I need to do, it's the next thing on the list. But you're right, it can sometimes feel painfully forced. I don't know how one gets around that.
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 01:06 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
... if you force yourself to do the thing, it feels like you skipped warmup before doing a harder workout? If that makes sense... like this way you feel you have to put in more energy to do the task than necessary, and it feels almost painful, painfully forced.
That reminds me a whole lot of something that I once wrote... about "to-do" lists, of all things
Quote:
I don't normally use to-do lists. The exceptions are when I'm working on something complicated like preparing for a trip out of town, or when I seem to have taken on more than I'm going to be able to finish gracefully. The latter seemed to happen pretty regularly when I was in school.

It seems easy to get stuck with an overwhelming to-do list: I don't feel like tackling any of the three highest-priority items but it seems like a waste of time to work on any of the others while the top three are still demanding to be done. For me the best solution seems to be to give up: say the hell with the to-do list and my official priorities, and set to work on something that's somewhere around #7 if it's on the list at all. For some reason, with #7 out of the way #5 almost does itself and by then, #1 is looking a whole lot more approachable.
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Default May 04, 2021 at 04:23 PM
  #5
Thanks to everyone! Sorry, I never got back to this forum basically for months because I got really low and had to survive, but am able to read posts again.



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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
This makes sense to me. I'm not good with words right now but wanted you to know I've read your post. Thanks for sharing

Thank you for your kind words.



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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Sorry this doesn't answer your question. But there's no warm-up for me. I have a list of things I have to do each day. (As my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." So I do.) Routine is important to me. I don't have to think about what I need to do next. I just do it because whatever it is I need to do, it's the next thing on the list. But you're right, it can sometimes feel painfully forced. I don't know how one gets around that.

Thanks for your post too! My problem is that once it comes to tasks that are not routine like dressing up, it overloads my brain with the warmup requirement (cognitively at that point). The problem is precisely that it requires me to *think*, i.e requires mental effort. The mental warmup is even harder for me than physical warmup (tasks like dressing up. I got dressing up and similar routines sorted for now, it's not painful anymore).
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Default May 04, 2021 at 04:33 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by FooZe View Post
That reminds me a whole lot of something that I once wrote... about "to-do" lists, of all things

Quote:
I don't normally use to-do lists. The exceptions are when I'm working on something complicated like preparing for a trip out of town, or when I seem to have taken on more than I'm going to be able to finish gracefully. The latter seemed to happen pretty regularly when I was in school.

It seems easy to get stuck with an overwhelming to-do list: I don't feel like tackling any of the three highest-priority items but it seems like a waste of time to work on any of the others while the top three are still demanding to be done. For me the best solution seems to be to give up: say the hell with the to-do list and my official priorities, and set to work on something that's somewhere around #7 if it's on the list at all. For some reason, with #7 out of the way #5 almost does itself and by then, #1 is looking a whole lot more approachable.

Thanks much, that was interesting. Yes I figured out I can't do rigid plans. The problem is it's hard to plan at all, whether rigid or adaptable plans, when your brain cops out on you and you can't put in the mental effort to think about it lol.

You mention "when I seem to have taken on more than I'm going to be able to finish gracefully"

Oh yeah that's part of the problem. I seemingly lost my ability to sense what's too much and what's not, so I just constantly end up with that issue too.

I think I like your idea, if I get to the point that I can think enough to create a list of 7 to-do items, then maybe I'll be able to use this trick.


In another thread of mine I just recently asked if anyone does something like, do simple "mental workouts" to warmup. Because I figured out my brain needs a LOT of that still. And your trick is one way to do it. I was thinking of simple mental exercises but this is another way. Just too advanced for now though. lol oh well

Like, creating a long to-do list beyond the routine stuff (dressing up, basic hygiene, a tiny little physical exercise, eating, whatever), it would overwhelm my brain even more for now lol, so to create it I somehow have to get around that...

This maybe sounds weird hm. Like... if I know I'm only going to do the simpler task as a warmup, then why should it overwhelm my brain as if it was a longer to-do list for real?

I am not sure about the issue there. Any input is welcome (from you or from anyone else).

Oh.

Thinking out loud more... it's because, if I was to start focusing on these smaller less important tasks, my brain is then forced to face the pressure from the big tasks and then unable to deal with it. If I do not start on any tasks requiring mental effort rather than pure routine actions (like dressing up or the little physical exercise), then my brain has an excuse to forget about the WHOLE to-do list, big tasks, small tasks, any of them.

So, the point of my warmup would first be to be able to face the task list in the first place. Then I can continue warming up with simpler tasks..... hmmm well
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Default May 04, 2021 at 04:38 PM
  #7
One more addition: I am this bad with not being able to think about non-routine tasks when I'm low enough. Not as low as not being able to go on this forum even, but low enough that I can't do the above. I realised it's fluctuating, sometimes I have good days, especially now, having received some help for it. Like it helped so much that I finally saw the true light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!! But then something pulled me down uh oh meanwhile a big task got really urgent piling all up on me so that's doubly low and then I get like the above. I trust that if I am past this, I will be able to go on with the better streak with the help I got. I will be able to avoid things from piling up like that again. But for now I have to survive the next few days

The warmup will still be an issue afterwards but I expect it to become more tolerable. I still will need to figure it out though. Maybe at that point I'll be able to try and do the trick suggested above. But right now I'm very far from that... : (



EDIT: Gonna think out loud again. So the trick suggests to just GIVE UP on the demanding stuff lol. It is so hard for me to simulate that mindset, like...I don't know if I can trick my brain into that... my brain would require a plausible plan for it first. Plan taking into account the consequences, dealing with them, ..... Uh. I dunno, considering such a plan rightnow makes me feel too dizzy lol.

I forget the other thing I wanted to write about.

EDIT again: Oh got it. It was about how many hours this is gonna take. Oh god, so many hours. lol.

At least with the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, ..... my brain isn't overloaded on top of all of this with all those concerns about how I am going be able to go on in the tunnel long-term. I am able to trust that I will be able to go on without it being a never-ending tunnel like that (because that part of my image of the future is solved. Magical processing powers & external help). That's something. It used to be that way...
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Default May 04, 2021 at 06:56 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
...

I noticed one thing so far for myself, if I can talk to someone or I just feel it's like someone is listening to me (even if I'm just journalling alone or writing somewhere online where no one is currently paying attention but they might read it later). Then, if I can feel someone is paying attention like that, I'm able to talk spontaneously about something kind of negative and then after that I might be warmed up for the task, for a while at least.

...
You don't suppose that that could be your highest priority at the time, and that having to do "some task or even just basic things after you wake up" feels like a potential distraction from it?
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Default May 05, 2021 at 09:25 AM
  #9
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You don't suppose that that could be your highest priority at the time, and that having to do "some task or even just basic things after you wake up" feels like a potential distraction from it?

I think I partially understand what you mean.

Here's my thinking: My highest priority is survival. Eat, sleep, maintain myself financially. 2nd highest priority is working on my issues. Everything else is after these. But I feel like, this 2nd highest priority is so bad for some reason that it wants to overtake 1st priority and I absolutely can't have that. I can't allow it to suck me so deep that I can then never come out of there. I don't know if that made sense, let me know. It's this constant struggle between the two for sure. It's part of why it's all so exhausting.

The basic tasks I meant were: getting up from bed, dressing up, combing my hair, eating meals, a little physical exercise, showering, washing my teeth. Sometimes cleaning up, putting the place or the computer in order, etc.

The "some task" is my financial survival: work. It's part time remote work. But it's also not just financial survival, it's... survival of my self. Keep my brain working, keep a little objectivity in my life, a little doing something, not just sinking in depression or trauma.

What do you have in mind for how I should be doing this? How to get these priorities working together? Do you mean I should get up and then work on my issues right away? I would need to know how to thaw out for that too and do it in an emotionally safe way, because it's the exact same issue as with being able to do tasks, especially anything not routine, i.e. work tasks. (It's sometimes repetitive tasks and I like that the most, easiest on my mind... but often it's not repetitive and requires me to take up new data and commit it to memory to work with it. Just the nature of the job)

It's pretty much a catch-22 for me
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Default May 05, 2021 at 12:55 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by FooZe View Post
You don't suppose that that could be your highest priority at the time, and that having to do "some task or even just basic things after you wake up" feels like a potential distraction from it?

Sorry, adding another response because I completely forgot that this was what I originally thought of when reading your post. So you were quoting me on where I said it helps if I talk about these negatives (i.e. process them more).

My problem is that I can't have anyone paying attention to me all day like that, lol. (Even if I had the time all day, which I don't because I do have to do work)

I can't just journal all day because I (understandably) usually don't feel like someone is paying attention while I journal. I used to do the thing with writing to people online sometimes, but I stopped doing that because it eventually became just like journalling, because no one has that much time and I didn't want to take people's time either. Plus if I open up that much I'll want a real relationship or it just won't work after a while.

But I mean, I know IRL friends can't help with this stuff either. I know from experience. I don't have access to therapy while any lockdown measures are in place. We don't have full lockdown (I'm not in the USA btw) but we have enough measures and regulations in place that prevent me from getting therapy. (Zoom etc not an option either here for me)

And I will admit that therapy did end up hurting me too much in the end. I don't know why, but it did. So even if lockdown is gone, I don't know if I will go back right away. And it is only one hour a week anyway.


I've used the chat on here, the emotional support chatroom thingy. It can help too.

But when I get up in the morning I think it's night in the USA plus I don't imagine I can do that chatting everyday either for hours (no one has that much time right?).

And I know all that talking online and therapy and stuff like that is just a substitute for real relationships but again my stuff is just too much for the real relationships. My IRL friends ran away even without me trying to talk much about the issue (yeah they weren't real friends so one more thing crashed in my life having found that out, that I wasted years on those friends), and my family, yeah I can't burden them either. In extreme crisis (suicidal, this is luckily rare) I do ask for their help actively but it can't be all day every day.

I understand it doesn't have to be all day though if the interaction is quality enough or something. But I don't really know what's quality enough like that. Or maybe it doesn't exist because my issues are just still too bad for that.


So, I don't really know what the trick is here. But I am open to hearing about any suggestions, etc.

PS: And I did go for an interview once for an inpatient therapy setting. (The thingy where you go and stay for months in an inpatient setting and you have lots of group therapy and a bit of individual therapy.) And it was horrid, the interview. The clinical psychologist wasn't interested in showing empathy or making room for my disability (sorry long story as to what it is), or to consider how it could be accommodated and tried to tell me how it is when he's not the one with the disability, it was all really abusive. Anyway yeah so it turned out they wouldn't accommodate my issue in the inpatient setting so I had to skip the option. Maybe there is something in private health care for rehabilitation in a similar inpatient setting, I've seen things like that but they cost a fortune and I don't have a fortune for it lol god. Sure maybe if I somehow managed to pay a fortune - say I save up enough for this TOO, ugh - they would accommodate for my issue and then it would actually work but I dunno. I really don't. Because I haven't heard of a place that is specialised in that too tho it's not necessary to have specialisation, basic empathy would be enough imo.

But say they have that basic empathy and accommodate for my disability thingy, they'll still have to be able to deal with my triggers too. Like if I have energy and then I try to get to do things too quickly my emotional triggers will just come out anyway and then I will be like, I look angry or upset even if I don't say anything or attack anyone. It's not borderline PD, it's cPTSD but I don't even know of a rehabilitation centre for that here, paid or not, costing a fortune or not. So it's not as simple as with the private rehab centers for drug addicts and the like (that is what I saw costs a fortune). I don't think they would be able to deal with the cPTSD reactions AND my disability together. I'm not a drug addict btw, it's just the rehab part I'm interested in since the govt funded place wouldn't accommodate for my disability.

But again I just need to survive the next few days. Then I'll have a more manageable course I think. I just don't know yet how to survive it. THAT's my problem for now.

Last edited by Alive99; May 05, 2021 at 01:09 PM..
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Default May 05, 2021 at 01:14 PM
  #11
My plan BTW after the lockdown is that I will go to this hospital where you go in as an outpatient for an intensive programme every day during the week, and my plan is I will ask them to let me bring my laptop and work where they would play accountability partner for me. That would be the rehab programme that would work for me. I just need to be like, given space to deal with my reactions whenever they'll come out.

I also have another option to try this without going to any hospital, but again I have to survive 1) the next few days first 2) the rest of lockdown b*******. It's killin me lol but if I survived 1) then it won't be so bad either bc I already got some help, if I don't have the overload anymore that I do now (this big task to be done), I'll "just" have to work through the triggers regularly while doing a regular workload (part-time supposedly).

So how do I warmup for this big task is the only real question I have!
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Default May 06, 2021 at 12:34 PM
  #12
I am figuring out that I had extremely negative pictures about the delay on this task and related bad feelings. I don't even notice all that, I just dissociate and then I'm unable to feel what would be a realistic timeline for the task and try to do a too optimistic plan and then the whole negative picture and overwhelm gets worse. I've also found that I can't allow too good moods either about the idea of actually doing the task and things being so good because I'd be finally doing it...

I am basically relearning how to do my days, too. How to do tasks, and how to do the whole day. It's all so strange that I have to relearn everything.

And the strong negative emotions are exhausting and I have to tense against them so hard that it can cause actual muscle soreness. Lol. But I'm finding once I'm on track, it's not bad and I feel better, feel more content and stable.

All this is part of warmup issues. Interesting observations. Does anyone else relate?
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Default May 13, 2021 at 11:59 AM
  #13
So Sorry you have to put up with this! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about not having much to share myself. i do Hope that things will improve soon. Sorry if this post isn't Helpful but i do wish you the best. Please do stay Safe. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Alive99, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default May 13, 2021 at 07:57 PM
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So Sorry you have to put up with this! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about not having much to share myself. i do Hope that things will improve soon. Sorry if this post isn't Helpful but i do wish you the best. Please do stay Safe. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Alive99, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you here too. The one thing I know for sure is: it will not improve "soon". It's very slow, gradual improvement.
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Default Jun 04, 2021 at 08:14 PM
  #15
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You don't suppose that that could be your highest priority at the time, and that having to do "some task or even just basic things after you wake up" feels like a potential distraction from it?

OK, to answer this again. I'm finding, the answer is no. It's best for me to not engage with the negativity like that. I function better if I stay out if my head. If it has to come up later, OK. But I won't allow it longer than a couple of seconds, I then have to remind myself that the reality around me exists, that's what exists and not the negative stuff, that I have the power to stay outside of that crap, and that there's lots of good, interesting, exciting, enjoyable or just satisfying things to do.

Of course, I did have to process through negatives more closely before but then I really wanted to have a life again and I processed enough. I got ready to find the positive again after the negative. It was time to do that.
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 12:03 AM
  #16
This might not be helpful but I just want to share what I've experienced for the first 3 years of my current job (teaching online). I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 4 years at that time. I remember waking up at 4:00 AM to prepare for my 6:00 AM work. It took quite some time for me to adjust and get used to the schedule. It was a matter of trial and error until things just became a routine.

Routine 1:

1. My alarm would ring at 3:50, I'll snooze and actually get up at 4:00. I'd go to the kitchen and start making breakfast. I played music or a podcast while I'm cooking. I used to sit and eat for 30 minutes. I'd just stare at my food while listening to something. Then, I'd wash my face, change my clothes and put on makeup. After that, I'd read my lesson plan and review the materials for my students.

Routine 2:
1. At 4:00, I'd sit on the sofa for 5 minutes, then do an 8-minute stretch. The rest was the same, eat while listening to TED talks, put on makeup and read online articles.

Routine 3:

1. I'd turn the TV on at 4:00 and watch one episode of my favorite show on TV. Next was breakfast, bathroom, and prepare for the lessons.

I can't exactly remember how I forced myself to do things at 4:00. Before that, I didn't have a job for 7 months, and had some financial difficulties. I guess at first I thought that I needed it badly for the money, so I'd do it no matter what. I was drained, had no social life, and didn't enjoy things because I couldn't even understand what was fun anymore.

I worked 5 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the evening. It was a struggle every day. Waking up at 4:00 was not easy, but I needed 2 hours to be fully awake. The quality of sleep I had was generally not good, so that somehow enabled me to wake up at that hour. It was like, "Am I awake or asleep? Oh, it's 4:00. Nothing matters more than getting up at 4:00."

I was not used to Seroquel at that time, so sometimes, I would black out for a few seconds during the lesson. I'd look drowsy whenever I saw my face on Skype. After the last class in the morning, I'd go straight to bed and sleep for 2 hours. When I woke up, I'd do my other job for the next 4 hours, then go back to teaching for another 4 hours at night. I'd normally sleep for 3-4 hours at night and it was awful.

Now, I've been doing the same job (and enjoying it) for 8 years. It was a very long process of getting used to doing things and sticking to a routine. My preparation in the morning now is only an hour long, and I can sleep for 7 hours.
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 10:35 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by mssweatypalms View Post
This might not be helpful but I just want to share what I've experienced for the first 3 years of my current job (teaching online). I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 4 years at that time. I remember waking up at 4:00 AM to prepare for my 6:00 AM work. It took quite some time for me to adjust and get used to the schedule. It was a matter of trial and error until things just became a routine.
@mssweatypalms
Thanks for your input. While reading your response, I realised that my biggest issue is that for me it is still too much fluctuation with my well-being. Because I think you were describing a stable routine, always doing the same stuff, always being able to rely on/reliably knowing how you know your warmup is always 2 hours or something like that. So that helped me realise that I'm not at all there for now.


But me, I still get pulled down a lot after a couple of good days. Then it takes time to go back up. If I was supposed to do things during such a downtime then of course that piles on stress too. So coming back up of course would take longer too.... Takes time to do all the stuff I got delayed with and of course it adds additional negative feelings on top of the rest (very dysregulated emotions too, I only lately started to be able to see them, I've started trying to deal with them).

Is this issue familiar to you?


Also.... some other issue I am not sure about. I've just restarted working on some harder tasks. I have work from several sources, I skipped a month working on harder stuff because I just couldn't do all of it. I needed the rest, or whatever. It did help. It did help me figure out more on what works for me, for my well-being I mean. Because I felt more stable and whatever, too.

But I've restarted... and I instantly notice how I'm not able to do my exercise program (i.e. sports training). Because the stress just went up high. Because I was given a task with a short deadline and that task is of course harder anyway. I don't know what I'll be doing, because I really want to be able to do both work and training!! Thoughts?




Quote:
I can't exactly remember how I forced myself to do things at 4:00. Before that, I didn't have a job for 7 months, and had some financial difficulties. I guess at first I thought that I needed it badly for the money, so I'd do it no matter what. I was drained, had no social life, and didn't enjoy things because I couldn't even understand what was fun anymore.

I worked 5 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the evening. It was a struggle every day. Waking up at 4:00 was not easy, but I needed 2 hours to be fully awake. The quality of sleep I had was generally not good, so that somehow enabled me to wake up at that hour. It was like, "Am I awake or asleep? Oh, it's 4:00. Nothing matters more than getting up at 4:00."

I was not used to Seroquel at that time, so sometimes, I would black out for a few seconds during the lesson. I'd look drowsy whenever I saw my face on Skype. After the last class in the morning, I'd go straight to bed and sleep for 2 hours. When I woke up, I'd do my other job for the next 4 hours, then go back to teaching for another 4 hours at night. I'd normally sleep for 3-4 hours at night and it was awful.

Now, I've been doing the same job (and enjoying it) for 8 years. It was a very long process of getting used to doing things and sticking to a routine. My preparation in the morning now is only an hour long, and I can sleep for 7 hours.
Reading this, especially the last few lines, is where I realised how peacefully stable the stuff is you are describing. Always knowing that you'll be able to just predictably warmup anyway even if it takes time. Feels like you being in a good environment too, with nice people. That is what helped me realise where my main issue is rightnow. Maybe just the medication though? I'm not on medication other than Xanax "as needed". I considered taking it last night but I fell back asleep okay.



PS: Maybe you directly working with people helped also? I'm not working with people directly.
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 10:49 AM
  #18
Actually yeah that is a good way of putting it......The warmup can take forever on a bad day. I can get out of bed and be ready to go on good days. Also when some bad stuff comes up for me that hits hard enough, then it's like my warmup "baseline" increases for a while even on good days. Like I got as far as, I would need 30 mins to get out of bed (used to need way more every day). Then something hit me bad a few weeks ago. Then the 30 minutes went up, to 60 minutes, a full hour, it was too obvious for me to not notice that. I was also able to enjoy some things less or less easily or less frequently. I'm not sure where that baseline is now, I know I've partially recovered, but I haven't got the chance to measure that time to get out of bed now, I had two or three good days recently where I think it was pretty good but I forgot how long it took to get up. And now since I have to survive extra stress again (again in survival mode!), I can't measure it for now. When things calm down again I can try. I hope it's back to 30 minutes from 60.... Anyway on really bad days it takes half a day to get anywhere near thinking about the work to be done. Or the whole weekend, last weekend. That piled on stress because I was stupid enough to promise that I was gonna work all weekend lol. And I don't think I even needed to promise that (I did it because of the dysregulated emotions as per above). I realise now that nobody cares if I do the work at the weekend. But I piled stress on for myself with that anyway, and I did end up doing the work but only in the wee hours of Monday. Because I took the entire weekend to warmup to it. And now still not having truly good days and then I got this extra stress with the harder work stuff

And I'm gonna write more, thinking aloud. So I was actually feeling stable again after I recovered having slept enough after making up for my delay at dawn/morning on Monday. I did waste the entire Monday tbh because I got up only in the late afternoon and then I didn't really have the energy to do more (slowish warmup!) until the late evening. So I did only a little then and then I knew it's better to go to bed in time to catch up on the little sleep debt from Monday (1.5 hours) plus better to sleep at night ofcourse. I did catch up on the bit of sleep debt and slept enough and well enough. But the waste of Monday it didn't help me otherwise. It's Tuesday late afternoon now and still warming up.


And really the point is, I hate how I first felt so NICE like OH I'm not being delayed with anything, I can just do a part of the remaining work Monday evening (or skip it even on Monday, tbh not a big problem), and then another part Tuesday, then another part on Wednesday (=deadline). But then I got this extra added and it wouldn't be extra normally, I mean.... if I'm stable I could deal with the harder task too and split it up for Tuesday and Wednesday to get it done alright (It has a Wednesday deadline too). But it was just nice to feel good with how I wasn't delayed at all and it was a VERY tolerable workload, too easy even.


So I'm not even sure why the long warmup today. The fact is though it's f**king up things for me again though. The long warmups are themselves added stress too. The fact that they are unpredictable is truly the biggest stress.
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 11:05 AM
  #19
So I hate how I'm gonna maybe have to work at night now, though at least not like allnighter like in the past. Like I don't have sleep debt anymore. I do eat regularly and sleep enough and no longer do what I used to do with abusing sleep. That's the positive but the negative is how long it's gonna take to get truly okay with everything, without all this mess. So no sleep debt piling up anymore, true, but still have to sometimes work at night, just not as bad as in the past, not the same kind of allnighter with working hard through the whole day after not sleeping at all. It's more like I finish by the morning.

I also hate how I don't know what's really the issue. Long warmup, ok...dysregulated emotions that I block out...ok...but all that's SO vague. What do I do with that?? Just too vague.

I'd like to be able to just list all the concrete issues but so f***ing hard to focus on that. I'm gonna try now. I don't know how far I'm gonna get with brain block.


Something like:

- I keep thinking people think really negatively about my delays (they don't like it yeah I figured out recently how it's like, they won't like it but not a real concern if it doesn't get in the way, which I know anyway, rationally I know this but emotionally I just don't know, but recently I saw how they may be seeing it/me emotionally, what image they may have formed of it/me and it seemed not SO bad. Like "oh she's someone who sometimes has to be reminded / she can be a bit delayed, but she reliably does the work anyway, she ends up doing it anyway and does it well". Figured this out after I saw a few other freelancers doing it like that). Because of my dysregulated reaction I make these crazy promises that cause more stress for me. I am working on this.

- I have an issue with it when someone reacts to me in a negative way, either if it is an extremely negative way, or if not extreme but I have had positive experiences with the person or the situation before. Or if I have started feeling good, have started having good days and this happens. Then I take long to process and not get bogged down and get bad days from it. I don't want to internalise it, but my brain blocks it all out so hard that it takes time to process. Then this causes more stress by increasing my warmup time and interfering with my trying to do my life, work, training etc. It's not sustainable either. I am working in this too but I don't understand what to do about some of it. I understand this less than the first issue. I understand that with truly toxic people I just avoid them. That part works by now. Finally works. But the rest I don't know yet. Do I just not interact with people at all? Other than trusted family maybe?

- The other big issue is that I have the bad past coming up still sometimes. I'm sure some of it is still not processed, but it's just tiring to still have to go through it here and there when it gets in the way. I got into it the weekend too. No idea what to do here other than, "time will solve it completely". Well it's not just time, it's the processing, it's just that the processing is painful. And I don't know why it has to be THIS painful. And it has to take so long. It getting in the way repeatedly. It's tiring to even just think of how it's gonna be longer. What an energy drain!!



I think I cannot think of other concrete issues rightnow. Seems like enough issues anyway.

Last edited by Alive99; Jun 08, 2021 at 11:19 AM..
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 11:40 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
OK, to answer this again. I'm finding, the answer is no. It's best for me to not engage with the negativity like that. I function better if I stay out if my head. If it has to come up later, OK. But I won't allow it longer than a couple of seconds, I then have to remind myself that the reality around me exists, that's what exists and not the negative stuff, that I have the power to stay outside of that crap, and that there's lots of good, interesting, exciting, enjoyable or just satisfying things to do.

Of course, I did have to process through negatives more closely before but then I really wanted to have a life again and I processed enough. I got ready to find the positive again after the negative. It was time to do that.

Oh well. I must have written that on a good day. Or dunno but that's me only on a good day, for now.
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