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Aardwolf
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Exclamation Jan 05, 2021 at 09:50 PM
  #1
So it's been a while since I've been around.. But I've found myself at nearly 0300hrs awake again and unable to sleep so here goes..

So, some will already know, but I've worked in the emergency services for nearly a decade. I love my job. I love how I can go home knowing I've helped someone. It has it's ups and downs... Some days are horrific, and unsurprisingly PTSD inducing when it goes wrong.. But the good days FAR outweigh the bad ones..
I would never want to do anything else though, even though there are the bad days.

Good grief though, more recently the bad days have just been one after the other. My team is falling apart due to personal and work stressors. One of my team-mates killed themselves a little while ago and just.. urghh..
Immediate management have their hands tied for solutions..
Most worryingly of all, I can see myself loosing grip of myself, who I am. I'm increasingly apathetic and uncaring.. It's exactly what I don't want to be. It makes me angry, it makes me sad.. I'm scared and worried and confused. I'm burnt out and can feel myself shutting down.

People aren't taking anything seriously, and it's like, it's not worth it anymore. Why bother. Why should I bust my gut at work when so many just don't care.

And now it's filtering into my personal life. My friendships have mostly fallen apart. My partner is leaving to move to the other end of the country because I'm "Difficult to live with".. I've started drinking again. A lot.

I'll get help... eventually. But good god. I thought I was past feeling like the world has stopped turning.. I thought I was past the irrational anger, the numbness, the feeling of being completely empty and outside of everything.

Why.

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Yaowen
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 01:24 AM
  #2
Dear ACQPL,

People like you inspire me so much and it is heartbreaking that things are going south in your life. I think you are such a noble and heroic person and I am so very, very sorry things are not working out well. Wish I knew what to say that would help. I worked in an emergency service capacity once and I can understand so much of what you write about and from bitter personal experience. I don't think I could ever be content as a human being if I wasn't involved in helping people. Sadly just wanting to help isn't always helpful.
My English is not very good so I probably am not communicating with you very well. I do want to say that my heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Fuzzybear
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 05:58 PM
  #3
I'm so sorry about all that is going on for you. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to say, I just want to send my support. It's good to hear from you again. (I'm sorry about this post, I'm so tired tonight or I would try to be more supportive)
It's hard to care when so many do not You have my respect and appreciation

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Default Jan 11, 2021 at 06:49 AM
  #4
Thank-you both for your answers, I appreciate them a whole lot. I wasn't farming for sympathy votes or anything like that. The whole situation is just so draining, and I am very aware how lucky I am to still earn an income and have some stability when there are millions of people not in the same position as I am.

I just find the mindset of some people so hard to understand, and it's causing so much pain and issues for other people..

I've got colleagues dropping like flies and in hospital, and people are just ignoring the rules put in place to safeguard them from the whole Covid nightmare. I just don't get it. It's so deflating, and I know I'm not the only one feeling that way.
How long before it all crumbles and stops working ?
I don't want to turn this into a work topic, but it's had a noticeable effect on my health. I've got my panda eyes back, even though I tend to agree with shift work and nights..

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