Dark Days

Deilla · May 10, 2021 at 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I enjoyed my day yesterday including working hard on a few things in the kitchen but it was good because I slept deeply last night. I was surprised my son didn't give me a call. I look at it as he is troubled, has problems and there is a good chance he was working yesterday. For a long time, I was taking on his problems and feeling responsible for his mistakes. I have learned not to do this. I am thankful that I have learned this.

Eventually most children forge paths on their own. IMO it is harder for the parents to let go then the children. Though a phone call would be nice but some (not talking about your daughter--I have no idea) children also have mixed or tough emotions to deal with on Mother's Day too.

I'm glad you had a good day. Yea, I imagine that the day can be hard for children too I think you're right. My daughter moved on quickly and yet I am left clinging.

Deilla · May 10, 2021 at 07:28 PM

Today was difficult. I sobbed for 15 minutes this morning. I felt lost and hopeless.

Possible Trigger
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I hurt myself this morning I was so upset. I did talk with my doctor. He increased my PRN. It's helping me feel better. But I'm still really depressed.

Deilla · May 13, 2021 at 11:21 PM

My sister had surgery today. My mom was supposed to update me. The surgery was early in the morning. I waited until 3 pm. I never heard anything. So I called my mom. She said she forgot. How rude is that? Fortunately, my sister gave me an update on her way home. So I was grateful for that. The tumors are inoperable. She'll have to rely on chemo for now. Maybe they will shrink and later surgery will work. I'm really worried about my sister. I was worried all day.

Deilla · May 19, 2021 at 06:48 PM

I've recently gained some weight. So now I need my walker to get around my apartment. I couldn't take my trash out so my mom came by to help me. I am very grateful for that. I haven't done much today. It's been difficult to move and stand. I am starting the Keto Diet and drinking plenty of fluids. I hope it helps. I have to be really careful about what I eat. I ordered McDonald's nuggets cause it was meat. I ate that for a couple of days. I guess the grease was bad for me. Cause I gained weight. I have to stick to my deli turkey, canned chicken and frozen meatballs. And of course my frozen vegetables. I can't physically cook anything. I just heat things up in the microwave or make sandwiches. I'm thinking about weight loss surgery. I asked to speak to my GP about it. But she can't see me for a month. I know it takes a while anyway to get approved. I just wanted to start right away.

Deilla · May 27, 2021 at 10:19 PM

I am very depressed. I am lonely and sad. I have zero energy and no motivation. I don't want to take care of myself. I went for 3 days without taking insulin. I just don't care anymore. My life is over. All I ever do is go to doctor appointments. I don't think I want weight loss surgery cause that's more appointments. I can't deal with it anymore. I have an appointment every week until July. And I've been having appointments every week. I am so tired. I can't enjoy my time off cause I have to struggle to do housework. It hurts to do normal things. I need my walker to take out the trash. I need my walker to get around my apartment. I'm exhausted.

leomama · May 27, 2021 at 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I am very depressed. I am lonely and sad. I have zero energy and no motivation. I don't want to take care of myself. I went for 3 days without taking insulin. I just don't care anymore. My life is over. All I ever do is go to doctor appointments. I don't think I want weight loss surgery cause that's more appointments. I can't deal with it anymore. I have an appointment every week until July. And I've been having appointments every week. I am so tired. I can't enjoy my time off cause I have to struggle to do housework. It hurts to do normal things. I need my walker to take out the trash. I need my walker to get around my apartment. I'm exhausted.

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. Time off from?

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Deilla · Jun 02, 2021 at 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. Time off from?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for your support. My time off is when I don't have to go to an appointment. I have been doing better these past couple of days. I want to do my emissions test tomorrow, but I may wait until Friday. I just want to try to relax.

Deilla · Jun 04, 2021 at 06:30 PM

Today is stressful. I bought a mental health app for my iPhone. The payment went through, but the app still won't work. It's stressful. I didn't see a support number. So I asked Apple for a refund. They have to review it. And I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm sad about that. We wanted different things. So I feel all alone now. I've tried DBT and CBT. I may do a meditation. I think I need a nap. But I still have household chores to work on. I may stay up late cleaning. I need to do emissions tomorrow. I need my day free for that. I'm very stressed out. Next week I have 3 appointments. I will reschedule one and cancel another. I can't deal with all of this. I'm hoping in July I need no appointments. I won't make any.

Deilla · Jun 06, 2021 at 04:59 PM

I'm very lonely today. I took a nap and woke up feeling bad. I could be depressed, I'm not sure. I just have a dark hole in my chest. That's what it feels like. I haven't heard from my therapist today. I usually hear from her on Sundays. It would help to hear from her. I tried to talk to my mom. But she wasn't very talkative. And my new friend hasn't talked to me today. I feel so alone. I may take my meds and go to bed. I tried to read but I couldn't concentrate. I don't feel like doing anything. So I guess the best thing is sleep.

Deilla · Jun 11, 2021 at 07:42 PM

I'm having another very lonely day. This time I am depressed. I don't know what to do with myself. I was busy all day with housework. I did a few fun things and I took a nap. Now I am wide awake and bored. I would keep doing housework but I am tired. I just took my meds. I took an extra Trazodone, which I can do. I'm hoping it helps me sleep. I'm thinking I might have some wine too. Half a glass will make me really sleepy. I'm all alone. My sister has cancer. She was staying with my mom while going through chemo. Chemo is hell! But my sister is back home with her husband. Today when I talked with my mom, all she did was complain about my sister. How terrible. Now I know she complains about me too. She has no respect for anybody.

Deilla · Jun 20, 2021 at 01:49 AM

I've been hurting physically lately. So there's not much I can do around my house. I can't even take my trash out. I can't walk. And yet I can't get any help with it. I'll have to pay a trash removal company to come out and haul away my trash. I guess it's okay. I have some boxes with junk that need to go. But I wasn't ready yet to have that hauled away. I guess some times you just gotta do what you gotta do. I feel very depressed. I feel useless and like there's no hope. I had a back procedure done but my knees hurt so much that I can't walk. I can't even get a parking sticker. That's why I'm in bad shape. I had to walk half a mile the other day to the doctor's office cause I couldn't park close enough. It really tore up my legs. I'm just a waste of space and no one cares about me.

Deilla · Jun 20, 2021 at 02:03 AM

I've asked people to help me with my house. I've asked people to help with my trash. And the answer is always, "No!" I have no where else to turn. I try to do the best I can. It hurts to get myself something to drink and to get myself food. I don't cook. I just put things in the microwave. I have a walker. I move very slowly with it. It still hurts when I use the walker. I won't move much cause of the pain. My family doesn't care and the doctor's don't care. I asked for a parking sticker and was told no. I'm tired of leaving my house for things. I will start canceling appointments. It hurts too much to walk to them. Plus I am tired all the time. I don't care about my health anymore.

TunedOut · Jun 20, 2021 at 04:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I've asked people to help me with my house. I've asked people to help with my trash. And the answer is always, "No!" I have no where else to turn. I try to do the best I can. It hurts to get myself something to drink and to get myself food. I don't cook. I just put things in the microwave. I have a walker. I move very slowly with it. It still hurts when I use the walker. I won't move much cause of the pain. My family doesn't care and the doctor's don't care. I asked for a parking sticker and was told no. I'm tired of leaving my house for things. I will start canceling appointments. It hurts too much to walk to them. Plus I am tired all the time. I don't care about my health anymore.

I wish I could come help you with your trash.

Perhaps try walking 5 then 10 then 15 minutes a day. When we have medical procedures it does take a lot of time to come back. Six months after a major operation in 2015, I was down because I still had not healed as much as I expected but one year after, I really began to make progress.

Deilla · Jun 21, 2021 at 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I wish I could come help you with your trash.

Perhaps try walking 5 then 10 then 15 minutes a day. When we have medical procedures it does take a lot of time to come back. Six months after a major operation in 2015, I was down because I still had not healed as much as I expected but one year after, I really began to make progress.

Thank you! Maybe once my knee injection kicks in, I might be able to start walking a little bit at a time. Today I discovered that if I'm busy with something, I'm not as tired. As long as it's not physical. I like to keep active with my projects that I can do on the computer.

Deilla · Jun 29, 2021 at 11:48 PM

I've been struggling today, but the good news is things aren't as dark as they have been. I think my Cymbalta is helping there. I'll have a bad thought but it doesn't really spiral out of control like it has in the past. I have a more positive feeling holding me up even though I do feel pretty bad. Today I am angry that some people in my life have ignored me. My brother is in town visiting, and I haven't heard from him. And for 2 days, a close friend ignored me like usual. They told me they were off work, so it didn't make sense that they couldn't find time for me. Especially if we're supposed to be working on a relationship. I ghosted the boyfriend and my brother's number still remains deleted from my phone. I will never speak to him again no matter what. These hurts can't be undone.

Deilla · Jun 29, 2021 at 11:52 PM

I've decided I will quit trusting people, including family. I will withdraw from everyone. I will quit reaching out and trying to be nice. All it does is cause me pain. 90% of the time, I am ignored or dismissed. I'm alone and isolated so I will just accept it and move on.

Deilla · Jul 07, 2021 at 10:14 AM

I'm having a difficult time since yesterday. I thought I was reading an inspirational book. I had read the author before. But this book really depressed me. I feel like everything is hopeless now. Things aren't going well. I'm very depressed. My therapist thinks I need to call the crisis line. I don't think so. I'm just very upset. Nothing anyone can do about it.

Deilla · Aug 14, 2021 at 02:08 AM

I had to come off of Cymbalta because of side effects. I'm back on Zoloft. I'm more depressed now. Today is not a good day. I recently bought some games to play. They're too hard. I keep dying. It's not fun when you die all the time. So my one true passion has failed me. Games were a distraction for me. I don't have games anymore. I don't know what I will do.

TunedOut · Aug 14, 2021 at 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I had to come off of Cymbalta because of side effects. I'm back on Zoloft. I'm more depressed now. Today is not a good day. I recently bought some games to play. They're too hard. I keep dying. It's not fun when you die all the time. So my one true passion has failed me. Games were a distraction for me. I don't have games anymore. I don't know what I will do.

I have never liked video games because I am so bad at them.

I mostly read and watch YouTube videos, cook, walk, and do chores around the house.

I am sorry you are feeling depressed and hope your body is just adjusting to the med change. Hang in there, perhaps your body will adjust.

When we are depressed, things that we once enjoyed aren't enjoyable and we haven't got the energy to do the things we should do. Will you be having a follow up visit with the doctor that changed your medications soon?

Deilla · Aug 14, 2021 at 09:34 AM

I'm really discouraged by my games. It would help if I had someone to play with. But that's hard to find. I've been keeping busy with chores this morning. I feel okay. I talked to my med provider yesterday. Things were looking good. Maybe this is just a momentary blip. I have to try hard to keep my mood up. I may go on a drive today. I'm trying to get done with my chores.

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