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Default Aug 14, 2021 at 05:12 PM
  #101
I took care of my chores today but I didn't go on a drive. I was too depressed. If I stay depressed over the weekend, I will ask to speak to my med provider sooner. I'm not supposed to see her for another month. Tonight I am in a dark mood. Everything feels terrible. I tried watching an inspirational video, and it even depressed me. I wanted to talk to my mom today, but she said she was too busy. Even when I'm depressed, I have no one to talk to. I haven't heard from my therapist yet. I usually hear from her by now. I have no support today. I tried to get support from friends. They don't understand. I felt unheard. I feel pretty worthless. I have no one.

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Default Aug 23, 2021 at 02:43 PM
  #102
The weekend was bad. Today is bad. I feel very depressed.

I just want to give up. Nothing gets better. I still can't walk, and doing things around the house causes pain. My games are depressing me. I'm not even good at a game. I am good at nothing. I have tried. I am a failure.

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Default Aug 26, 2021 at 08:10 PM
  #103
I feel very depressed tonight. I guess I should really go to bed. There doesn't seem to be anything else that interests me. I tried a tutorial. I was bored and frustrated. It's late. I should be sleeping.

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Default Aug 27, 2021 at 01:37 AM
  #104
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Default Aug 29, 2021 at 07:44 PM
  #105
I feel tired and a little sad tonight. I need to sleep but I worry about waking up too soon. Once I wake up, I'm up for a while. Maybe I can do a deep sleep meditation.

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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 02:20 AM
  #106
I slept 4.5 hours. That's pretty good for me. It's early in the morning still, but I will go back to bed later on. I feel okay. Today doesn't feel like Monday. It still feels like the weekend. I guess that's a good thing.

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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 05:20 PM
  #107
I've been very depressed today. Zoloft isn't helping me. Since increasing, I've felt more depressed.

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Default Sep 06, 2021 at 05:37 PM
  #108
I've been very depressed today. I tried texting my mom about it. I was hoping to get some support. She never said a word. I just wasted opening up to her. It hurt that she ignored me. She really doesn't care. I will ignore her for the next few weeks. I don't need her in my life. Her behavior just made me feel worse. I'm all alone.

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Default Sep 08, 2021 at 05:34 PM
  #109
People keep disappointing me. I just need to lower expectations so that I think it's a surprise when I hear from someone. People aren't obligated to communicate with me. Not even my own therapist. So I expect to be properly ignored from now on. Then I'll never be disappointed. I will just quit reaching out.

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Default Oct 09, 2021 at 05:21 PM
  #110
I no longer have a therapist. My online therapist left TalkSpace. I couldn't find a replacement. I tried my local area. No one is accepting new patients. I guess the caseload is heavy from people dealing with Covid. I really needed to talk to someone this morning. I had no one. So I journaled. It helped some. I also went back to bed and did a meditation. This is my new reality. I don't even have my mom to talk to. She disrespected my boundaries the other day. So I'm no longer talking to her. I have the forum. I guess I will rely more on that. WikiHow is helpful too. And I have my DBT workbook.

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Default Oct 11, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  #111
Tomorrow I take my cat to the vet. It's not big deal once I catch him and get him in the carrier. I'm hoping that works out fine tomorrow morning. And I have to take a shower. I haven't been wanting to get in the shower. I'm not sure what my problem is. It just takes so much work. And I hate getting undressed. I prefer to wash up. I do a little at a time. I don't know what I will do. Either way, my goal is to get clean.

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Default Oct 12, 2021 at 11:02 PM
  #112
I'm very upset. My cat woke me up. He's being a brat. I guess I could try to go back to sleep. My sister really upset me today. She's always giving me excuses. She doesn't really care about me. I will quit showing concern for her. I'm done. I was trying to be nice and supportive and she was rude and hateful. I don't have a sister anymore. I feel bad for her situation but that doesn't give her a right to be rude. I'm sick of her. I am really disappointed in people tonight. My mom was horrible today. I thought I would call and chat. She is miserable to talk to. I will go back to ignoring her. The only reason I called was because I was lonely and I thought she might be nice. I have some nice people in my life but for the most part, I have a ****** support system. It's really bad that I don't have a therapist anymore.

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Default Oct 13, 2021 at 12:28 PM
  #113
I found a therapist. It is helping. I am on the maintenance plan with BetterHelp.com. That's what my copay would be if I saw an actual therapist. So far things are working out great. I feel relieved.

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Default Oct 20, 2021 at 06:53 PM
  #114
I had a tough therapy session today. We talked about my loneliness and my last relationship. I blame myself for it ending because of my mental health. But my therapist said that's not fair to me. So I tried to look at the real reason it ended. My partner was cruel. And she wasn't understanding. It's not my fault. I was only ever good to her.

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Default Oct 23, 2021 at 06:49 PM
  #115
I am depressed tonight. I guess cause it's late. I've had a strange day. I've had some good things happen and I got a shower today. That's enough to help me feel better, but I don't. I am worried. I'm getting a booster tomorrow. I'm nervous about going. But it should be easy.

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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 08:59 AM
  #116
I feel depressed and anxious this morning. I'm waiting on a phone call. Whenever I call, I don't get an answer and the receptionist doesn't know who I am. I am a customer. And she should treat me with respect. I expect a phone call.

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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 03:29 AM
  #117
I am depressed this morning. Yesterday was bad. I stayed in bed all day. I only woke up for therapy. Therapy wasn't helpful. I went right back to bed. Usually, I'm up this time of morning playing my game. I haven't been able to play. I don't think I can. I just need to go back to bed and stay there. Today is pointless.

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Default Oct 31, 2021 at 11:08 PM
  #118
I had a difficult day today but I used some DBT skills, which really helped. I also tried tapping. I found some videos on YouTube about tapping to certain subjects. I did depression and loneliness. It seemed to help. I will try more tapping tomorrow.

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Default Nov 07, 2021 at 06:45 PM
  #119
Today was traumatizing. My cat didn't want to go in the bedroom so I could take the trash out. I yelled at him. I was just desperate. I finally got him in the bedroom but when I went out to get rid of my trash, someone had defecated by the dumpster. It made it difficult to throw trash away. It upset me. I came home and took my clothes off. I washed my clothes. I checked my shoes. I can't wash them. They have lights in them. I tried to take a nap. It was terrible. I could barely sleep. Tonight I will try a meditation,

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Heart Nov 07, 2021 at 08:54 PM
  #120


I read through your entire thread here. I'm so sorry you have been struggling for so long!

Your mother sounds mean.

I hope your sister is recovering well from ovarian cancer, but I hope she treats you better.

I'm sorry that your family does not treat you in the loving way that you deserve. I have family similar to yours, only, my sister flat out told me to remain estranged from her and to never speak with her again. Half my family ignore me, and the other half "tolerate" me, it seems. So, if I'm not wanted, I won't call - at least not as often. I only stay connected with my mom because I care about her well-being, but she can be insensitive (not really mean though).

I'm alone every holiday - ever since I was 21 years old. I'm alone with every major medical emergency - no close friends in the area now, but I did have semi-close friends where I used to live (in a different state) before. The problem is, that area was too dangerous.

I sense you struggle with loneliness, by the way you write. You're a great writer, by the way. Also, from what it sounds like, you enjoy making music. I'm currently seeking music therapy to help me with some things. There are actual degrees and programs in music therapy, if you're ever interested in that sort of thing.

If you have cool light-up shoes, that's awesome! I've heard of people using 409 to clean and disinfect their shoes on the outside. As long as it's not saturating the lights, you should be able to use a dampened paper towel with a disinfectant to clean and disinfect your shoes. For the insides, there's special sprays like Tide Disinfecting Fabric Spray or even Lysol spray or Clorox fabric disinfecting spray you could use.

I'm sorry that you've been struggling with so many emotions - some of which seem to keep you down and away from the tasks that seem to keep you happy. Perhaps if you find more enjoyable things and online group hobbies via Zoom (which makes all the difference), then you can still connect safely with others without worrying about Covid. And also, any hobbies you do can at least temporarily distract you from the bad days you've been having with your family and others. Rebuilding social networks over time will help you in the long run, even if you struggle with trusting others. It may not seem like fun in the beginning, such as when everyone gets nervous about what other thinks of them when they join a new group online or in person, but over time, it gets easier. You'll know which groups are for you, which groups aren't for you (for any reason, it doesn't have to be a personal one), and which groups are just not "safe." I've tried out a few and learned a few things about myself along the way. Not every negative encounter is reflective of who you are; many times, it's a reflection of things that don't fit well with us or a reflection of someone else's problems. It's okay to walk away from those situations.

I'm also sorry you are dealing with so many med changes. I once had to deal with that, until I had a proper diagnosis and was weaned off all of the medications. For some, that works. But for others, that doesn't. It sounds like you need medications to help you cope with your symptoms. I hope you are able to find the right formulation.

Also, my friend who was constantly depressed like you had family like yours. It took lots of therapy and some help through her grad program to realize that her family was holding her back from her dreams, goals, and healing. When she was ready - and not a day before - she finally planned to leave them. It took a while, but she did it. She moved across country in a moving truck with her vehicle strapped behind and went to a different state - far away from her family. She found a new therapist, and her DID (she has CPTSD, DID, among other things) got better managed. She still struggles, but she's not struggling nearly as much as she did when I knew her. I knew her in real life, so it was easy for me to speak with her online than not knowing people in real life. But I say all this to suggest that maybe, one day, you will be able to set more stringent boundaries with your family and/or leave them altogether. It's hard to let go when you hope something will change, but family rarely does (unless they are all in therapy). It's just a suggestion. You can toss it if it doesn't really apply to you, or if you feel it is too much too soon.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I wanted to reply to you after reading all of your posts in this thread. I've seen you on other threads, and then I decided to read your thread here. It breaks my hear to see you hurting so much!

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