Dark Days

Deilla · Mar 30, 2021 at 09:59 PM

Today is difficult, but it's not as bad as some of my days. I've been using REST and lower my expectations. Family really disappointed me today. I had something wonderful happen. My step-mom was happy for me. So that was good. And my friends are happy for me. But my mom and two sisters don't care. They didn't give me the time of day. My uncle completely ignored me. I feel hurt. But I am not surprised. This is how they are. It hurts. I see people on TV celebrate events like this with family. My family just didn't care.

Deilla · Mar 31, 2021 at 11:59 PM

Tonight is very difficult. I'm struggling to take a shower. I really want one. I'm just anxious about it. I'm always anxious about it. I've been trying exposure therapy where I start off with my thoughts. Thinking about it is terrible. Online therapy is hard. We're supposed to be working on this but we're not. I guess it's my fault. I guess I have to bring it up. But I already have a lot going on. I'm angry at myself. I'm already doing exposure therapy on trying to leave the house. I'm supposed to sit on the patio every day. These past two days, I didn't do it. These last couple of days have been hard. I hate that I have a human body. I hate my body.

Deilla · Apr 03, 2021 at 12:52 PM

I've focused on chores today. It's noon and I'm already too tired to continue. I've taken plenty of breaks, but the back pain just gets worse and worse. The only thing that will fix it is for me to rest in bed for a while. I rest on a heating pad. That helps right away. And my two cats join me. It's comforting to have them there with me. I sleep for a couple of hours and then I'm good to go for the rest of the day. I have two doctors I can see about my back. I will pick one soon and make an appointment. I am waiting until I am fully vaccinated. I get my 2nd shot in two weeks, but it takes a while before you're protected at 95%. Like 2 weeks.

Deilla · Apr 10, 2021 at 02:30 AM

I'm struggling with dark thoughts again. I received some bad news yesterday. I've been ruminating about it all night. I am tired and fed up. I have no one to talk to. No one to call. Nowhere to go for help. No one cares. My mom doesn't care. I can't call her. The last time I felt this bad, I just wanted to talk to one of my sisters. My sister C refused to talk to me even after I told her what was going on. She told me to call a hotline. I don't feel comfortable calling those numbers. No one takes the time to listen to you. And even once you're in a hospital, still, no one listens.

Deilla · Apr 11, 2021 at 12:11 AM

I ended up calling the hotline yesterday. I was scared but I didn't know what else to do. It was a big help. I felt so much better being able to talk to someone. The guy on the line listened to me. But most of the day I was depressed. I ruminated all day in the dark. I slept a lot too. I don't feel much better today. I'm very sad. I've lost hope. I have nothing to look forward to. I guess I have sleep to look forward to. That's the only time I have peace. I get to rest in bed with my cats. That's the only joy I have in my life. I'm pretty useless and there's nothing else going on for me. I'm just a waste of space.

Deilla · Apr 14, 2021 at 08:30 PM

My family is being hateful to me again. I was in a good mood today and so I texted my mother. I asked her how she was doing. She said one word, "Ok." She said nothing else to me. Didn't even ask how I was. It makes me feel like I'm bothering her. I will stay away from her. I don't need her rudeness in my life. My sister J isn't much better. She pretty much did the same thing to me. I'm tired of caring about them and them not asking about me. I don't do that to people. Why are they so rude? I'm furious with them.

Deilla · Apr 19, 2021 at 08:01 PM

I'm going through a med change. I'm coming off one AD and starting a new one. This is week 2. Today was really difficult. I'm very irritable. My NP said Effexor withdrawals could include irritability. She said if that happens, take an extra Effexor for that day. I tried that and then took a nap. I feel a lot calmer. I will try to relax tonight. I hope tomorrow is better for me. I'm supposed to stop Effexor this coming Friday. I've been really annoyed with my therapist. I've been arguing with her. I just feel like picking a fight. Plus I think it is negative transference.

Buffy01 · Apr 20, 2021 at 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I've been really depressed these past few days. My emotions are all over the place. I am down then up then down again. My thoughts are very negative. I shared some of them with my med provider yesterday. I was afraid she would make me go in-patient. I could hear how nervous she was on the phone. We decided to increase my AD. She said if that didn't work, we can try Latuda.

I keep forgetting to use REST. I'm too sad to use DBT. I just feel my pain and push myself to do chores. That's all I ever do anymore. I struggle with housework. I have no purpose in life. I guess maybe giving a home to two rescue kitties is a purpose.

I understand how you feel because I feel like this all the time myself. You are not alone

Deilla · Apr 21, 2021 at 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I understand how you feel because I feel like this all the time myself. You are not alone

It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry you struggle too.

Deilla · Apr 22, 2021 at 09:53 PM

Tomorrow makes 2 weeks that I've been on Luvox. And I stop my Effexor. I do feel a difference. I don't have as many dark days. Sometimes I get down, but if I stay busy and use REST, I feel fine. So I think this med change was a good thing. Coming off the Effexor was the hardest part. But I only really had 1 bad day.

Deilla · Apr 30, 2021 at 05:10 PM

I'm grieving and I'm going through another med change. The Luvox was causing significant bruising. And today I found out that my sister J has stage 4 ovarian cancer. Things don't look good. My mom gave me the update. My sister J won't talk to me. She's been in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, not once letting me know what's going on. I feel like I lost my sister already. Why do people have to be so insensitive? I feel bad for her because it's her life. But to think I don't care and don't deserve an update is really hateful.

Edit: I feel sad and lonely.

TunedOut · May 01, 2021 at 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I'm grieving and I'm going through another med change. The Luvox was causing significant bruising. And today I found out that my sister J has stage 4 ovarian cancer. Things don't look good. My mom gave me the update. My sister J won't talk to me. She's been in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, not once letting me know what's going on. I feel like I lost my sister already. Why do people have to be so insensitive? I feel bad for her because it's her life. But to think I don't care and don't deserve an update is really hateful.

Edit: I feel sad and lonely.

I'm sorry for you and your sister.

I hate it when families don't talk freely. And when families are like this I know it can get even weirder when someone gets very ill. You are right, someone or something is not right when they are not updating you about your own sister. Hang in there Deila.

Deilla · May 02, 2021 at 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I'm sorry for you and your sister.

I hate it when families don't talk freely. And when families are like this I know it can get even weirder when someone gets very ill. You are right, someone or something is not right when they are not updating you about your own sister. Hang in there Deila.

Thank you! My sister J finally sent me a text message. She said she will know more by Tuesday. And if I had questions. let her know then. I feel more hopeful for her. I was so afraid that I had already lost my sister. I'm still in shock. I've turned back to addictive behaviors to cope. I just want to feel numb. I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Deilla · May 03, 2021 at 12:55 AM

I collaborated with a female vocalist on one of my EDM songs. And then I had it professionally mastered for industry standards. I was excited. I still am. I created a music video for it and then shared it with my family. My sisters were happy for me. They liked it. My mom criticized it. She never said one positive thing or congratulations or anything. It hurts. This is the best work of my music career. It's a dream come true. And my mom had to **** all over it. It's typical of her. I refuse to share anything else with my mother. I won't even share with my step-mom. The last EDM song I tried to share she told me it was weird. It's dance music. That's not weird. It's joyful. I think the female artist did a wonderful job. And the mixing is perfect. My mom can go get lost in her bottle of wine for all I care.

Deilla · May 06, 2021 at 10:57 PM

I've been really depressed. I'm going through a med change. I finally increase my Cymbalta tomorrow. I hope that helps. It's been awful. I haven't had energy to do things. I forced myself to go to an appointment today. Good news was I wasn't anxious about it. I just didn't want to do it. I canceled all my upcoming appointments. I can't cope with leaving the house. I've been binge-eating I'm so miserable. Today was difficult. I ate three small pies tonight And I had a sandwich. I would keep eating but I am sick to my stomach. I'll just drink coffee. I can't sleep. I'm upset. I have to clean my house. If I clean my house, that means I fixed the awful day I had. I have to fix it. I have to make things right. I would vacuum but it's so late. So I'll vacuum tomorrow. I feel obsessed.

TunedOut · May 07, 2021 at 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I've been really depressed. I'm going through a med change. I ate three small pies tonight And I had a sandwich. I would keep eating but I am sick to my stomach. I'll just drink coffee. I can't sleep. I'm upset.

Do you have decaf coffee in your house? I primary drink decaf when I am craving coffee after 2 PM and I can't keep junk food in the house either (I wouldn't consider a sandwich junk food).

It is OK to overeat every once in a while. I am now better about not doing things at night that get me wound up but doing housework in the day might help you sleep better that night.

I am sorry you are feeling upset and am praying that things get better for you.

Deilla · May 07, 2021 at 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Do you have decaf coffee in your house? I primary drink decaf when I am craving coffee after 2 PM and I can't keep junk food in the house either (I wouldn't consider a sandwich junk food).

It is OK to overeat every once in a while. I am now better about not doing things at night that get me wound up but doing housework in the day might help you sleep better that night.

I am sorry you are feeling upset and am praying that things get better for you.

Thank you! I do have decaf coffee. I even have decaf coldbrew. Iced coffee is my favorite. Yea, if I'm more active during daylight, I sleep better. That's something important to consider. I try to keep bad food out of the house. If not, I will eat it. I suppose sandwiches aren't too bad. I just worry about the bread. But I guess it is fine in moderation. Thank you so much for the positive thoughts and prayers! I hope you are doing well.

Deilla · May 08, 2021 at 07:34 PM

I'm very depressed today. It's mother's day tomorrow. I invited my mom to come visit me. I said we could have pie and coffee. My mom refused. She said she didn't want pie. She said she already had too much food. I feel hurt. We could have had coffee or tea. It's much easier for my mom to come visit me because of my agoraphobia. I haven't had visitors in over 4 years. I feel like an awful person. No one loves me.

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I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. No one would care. I've not done anything in my life worthwhile. People don't care about me. Not my family, not my daughter, no one.

Deilla · May 09, 2021 at 10:20 AM

I'm awake at the moment. My Cymbalta has been making me very sleepy. I just took it. I could get pretty sleepy here in a little bit but at least I had a few hours where I was awake. I feel good about that. I got a message from a good friend. That cheered me up. I was feeling sort of down. It's mother's day and I won't hear from my daughter today. Or any day. But I did the best I could. It's her problem, not mine. I am trying to make new friends. I don't know how successful I'll be, but you never know until you try.

TunedOut · May 10, 2021 at 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deilla

I'm awake at the moment. My Cymbalta has been making me very sleepy. I just took it. I could get pretty sleepy here in a little bit but at least I had a few hours where I was awake. I feel good about that. I got a message from a good friend. That cheered me up. I was feeling sort of down. It's mother's day and I won't hear from my daughter today. Or any day. But I did the best I could. It's her problem, not mine. I am trying to make new friends. I don't know how successful I'll be, but you never know until you try.

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I enjoyed my day yesterday including working hard on a few things in the kitchen but it was good because I slept deeply last night. I was surprised my son didn't give me a call. I look at it as he is troubled, has problems and there is a good chance he was working yesterday. For a long time, I was taking on his problems and feeling responsible for his mistakes. I have learned not to do this. I am thankful that I have learned this.

Eventually most children forge paths on their own. IMO it is harder for the parents to let go then the children. Though a phone call would be nice but some (not talking about your daughter--I have no idea) children also have mixed or tough emotions to deal with on Mother's Day too.

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Dark Days

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