Apathy

Hi everyone. It's been a while since the last time I posted anything in that forum.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas eve and I hope a good, or at least better, year to everyone.

Since last time, my psychological situation has improved slightly. I do a bit more stuff than I used to. Of course, considering that I had a tendency to do literally nothing but reading fanfiction/manga/playing (or other sorts of internet escapism) for 95% of my time, that's not saying much.

Maybe it has decreased to 92% since October...

I always thought this situation was due to my depression. But I wonder if it's not just plain apathy as this apathy is feeding my self-loathing and it is not my self-loathing that is stopping me from doing anything.

I am not sure if I'm being clear. I guess a part of me just wanted to talk about it and/or rant a bit.

Anyway, my main problem is still my apathy. I have a hard time respecting my self-imposed objectives or even doing the strict minimum. In fact, I fail nearly daily at this.

It's one of those times where you know what you should do but you're so unmotivated by everything, and lacking any passion, that even living/surviving actions are hard to do.
The problem is that it has lasted a decade.

Most days, I am happy to just be in front of a computer and do nothing, even cooking microwave dishes is an almost insurmountable task that I have to force myself into.
And this situation is just feeding my self-loathing because I know that I am not happy and it's just me refusing to go out of my comfort zone.

I have to change, I did very slightly change, and I know how to do it. But I just don't do it.
I don't really know why, but I don't do it. The simplest change in my routine feels exhausting and I don't incorporate that change in my routine afterward.

And at the end of the day, I feel bad. Which pushed me into writing that rant. It kinda went a bit longer than I thought.

I don't really expect any miracle solution, because I know that I am the problem there. But it's one of those times where just writing your feeling on a forum makes me feel a bit better .

Dear Blank Canvas,

I am so very sorry you are suffering! It takes a great deal of heroism to cope with apathy. I think you are very heroic to bear it especially since it is a burden to you in many ways. Sometimes there is brain pathology involved in chronic apathy.

While scientists have known for some time that the brain can become ill, there is a growing body of evidence that reveals ways brain illness can effect motivation, mood and so on. So I think that perhaps you might be being a bit too hard on yourself.

Just because we have freedom of will does not mean that we exercise it fully all the time. Very few acts, perhaps are willed with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and without impediments.
There are not only psychological impediments to to the "full" exercise of our will but physiological one's too. I sincerely doubt whether the apathy you describe is willed with full freedom of will.

The psychologist, Viktor Frankl believed that human beings have a deep need for meaning. Heroism is one expression of profound meaning in a human life. But heroism is not limited to once in a lifetime history making feats. There is great nobility and heroism in simply bearing with ourselves and being patient with ourselves in the face of adversity. And apathy can be an adversity of some potency.

Clearly you did not wake up one day and decide to have apathy. In a sense, it happened to you more than being something directly and fully willed.
Apathy is in some ways a heavier burden than others. Faced with other burdens we can muster motivation to try to overcome them. But apathy takes away motivation from a person and I think this makes it especially burdensome and problematic.

Good and evil are not like the on and off switches on an electric appliance. Good and evil form a spectrum and range of values . . . a range where there is not just good and bad but better and worse and everything in between.

For example, . . .In the last 100 years, a couple of men have directly and indirectly caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide, forced starvation and ethnic cleansing. These are horrible actions.
I don't know what apathy causes you to do or not do, but whatever it is, it is far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from the kind of things done by people like Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot. It is far, far, far away from the kind of thing done by violent felons in prisons.

You have not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people. Or hundreds of thousands. Or tens of thousands. Or thousands. Or hundreds. And so on. So whatever weaknesses you have are not anything like the weaknesses of genocidal dictators. So please try to keep perspective if you can.

It is common when one is feeling low, to sort of place one's life on trial. The problem with these so-called trials is that they are never fair. There is a judge, jury and prosecutor, but no defense. Therefore how can the trial be a fair one? It is unjust to the person being tried and unjust to justice itself. I am sure there are many, many wonderful things about you, things to be proud of, things to esteem and treasure. Bearing with apathy is itself very noble and heroic.

When called for, there are medical treatments for medical conditions that are linked to chronic apathy. Only a licensed physician can diagnose these conditions, treat them or rule them out as causal factors.

I think that perhaps it is also a little too early for hopelessness. I have known not a few individuals who were plagued by heavy burdens for a great part of their lives but who at some age suddenly flowered and did some pretty amazing things.

Of course, I could be wrong about much of what I have written here. I am wrong often enough to be wary of my thoughts and opinions. If I have said anything wrong or if I have said anything that may have made you feel badly, I am very sorry. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond with more helpful words than my poor words!

Apathy is not something abstract to me. I have been in its grips before and for long, long periods of my life. I sure hope you find something that helps you. Sharing your story helps me and will help many others here on the Forums. I wish you only the very best!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Apathy can be both a symptom of depression or a general lack of interest in the task itself. It could be that you need to try new things.

Thanks for the answers.
While I do dislike myself and my inability to do anything, it's not to the point where I'm comparing myself to Hitler and co.

I didn't really know what to say in reply so instead, I wrote nothing. I'm a lot like that with my problems, I tend to wait either until I either don't have a choice or until I feel guilty. Solving a problem that I can see coming isn't something I tend to do, I don't really know why.