Snow storm, Ice Storm and parents

Snow Storm.... I hate you. and I hate myself. I have had far too much stress over the last year, but who hasn't. I several good things have happened, I thought things were good. Then I discovered a painful truth, one root of my depression, SHAME.

With the snowstorm, and an ear infection, my motivation has decreased, and depression increased. I've had far too many things "taken" from me, and I stopped trying to get what I want back. I'm lost!! I don't know what to do anymore. Or did I ever know...

I think about my childhood and the things I worked for helped me gain skills but none really stuck as an adult. The skills I learned were to shame myself and feel terrible guilt, which influenced me to be hospitalized far too many times.

My life is a mess!!!! I've got too much time on my hands, and I don't know what to do. And I don't feel like I want to do anything. Yet I'm unhappy and hating who I am and what I look like. And effort seems out of reach because I feel guilt over NOT spending time with my parents. I'm an adult for crying out loud.

I want to move out, but I'm keeping myself stuck by letting in the voices of my parents, and their behaviors. I need my own path, yet it's going into the unknown and I'm scared. Terrified of the reactions of my parents, of letting them down.. That I have forgotten how to truly live. and be happy with me. If I ever knew how?!

I find fragments of myself in your confession. I also don't know what to do in life.
There's a lot of pressure to make parents proud and to bring honor. World is not the same as it was before.
If you live with your parents why you don't have time to spend with them? Do they try to spend time with you?

I am sorry that you are suffering and I am sending hugs

My dad is always on the computer and normally had the tv on. And the tv stays on when it's me and my mom. Not much talking occurs. And I'm the one that has to say let's do something. My motivation to say much has decreased.

And after finding out that the lack of talking about healthy relationships created shame for having any relationship because I'm also scared of the other abusing me and shaming me for anything.

Fear drives my life and I hate it! My parents can be helpful but that doesn't seem like enough. Because the day to day behavior brings issues to center stage. I feel like a burden and that only brings me into a darker place.

Thank you for replying.

i can relate as well. i also have no idea what to do with my Life dpesite having more than enough time during my days to change things up. Please don't be hard on yourself as it is not your fault any of this is happening. Be kind to yourself and try to take things one step at the time. i am here if you need to talk and Hopefully many others willbe available as well if you just ask. You matter. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @puzzclar, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Fear is a very strong instinct. I think you need to build yourself from scratch and for that you need to distance yourself from your parents. Not just moving out from home, but also removing them emotionally. Because being around them will stop and bring down your healing. Once they see you strong and happy with yourself you could try to heal your relationship with them. From then on it depends from their involvement, don't be harsh on yourself Relationships have to work from both ends. I know it looks hard, but try to think about it as a mission.
I know what shame is, felt it myself. I live alone in one of my family houses, I don't see them as much, but I feel how they judge me for it.
Do you like cats? A cat can really make your serotonin levels rise ^-^

The most difficult part is financial. In order to move out, I have to have enough. getting into low-income housing will be tough. My drive to move out is small because I don't have the mental capacity to do more. Working part-time in an expensive city increases the difficulty.

I can list all the excuses but in all reality, I haven't been on my own without anyone else around. for the last 10 years, I have lived with either my sister or my parents. Even during undergrad, I lived with roommates. My biggest issue is not knowing what to do, or what is important to do. Depression has zapped me of everything, and it's an excuse. I've sat back and let my body and mind waste away because of whatever reason.

Deep down, I'm terrified of too many things, and fear is overtaking me. I listened to an interview and discovered that my time management shows what I value. And I'm not happy with what it shows!!!! I have no idea what to do, and sadly I have few people to rely on that can show me.... wait if I wait for someone to show me what to do, I'll be waiting a long time. The fear is a stop sign, and instead, it could be a yield sign to show me that something needs to change or action can be taken, instead of freezing and doing nothing.

I hate this realization but maybe emotions aren't a bad thing if I learn from them. Using them as course correctors would be helpful instead of sitting on my but doing nothing but waiting for my life to be easier, that I will want to choose to live.

Having a parent that does everything except socialize, and one that sits on his butt all day on the computer shows me very little about creating a life that is worth sticking around.

Ultimately I need to step up and do more to feel value in my life. My time shows me that I stopped caring. When I stopped caring and let others step in, is the day that I lost my sense of self, and my values were thrown out. I am not blaming others, and I am not shaming myself. Instead, I am claiming responsibility for creating a life that brings fulfillment.

that would be better than spending more time in a hospital for mental health concerns. (I've been in the MH Far too often the last 16 years)

Your life looks to me as a labyrinth, lots of turns and dead ends. Doesn't have to be like that.
Yes, it is very difficult to know what to do. Sometimes certain people appear in our lives and give lessons that effect us without knowing it. If there was a teacher like that in our minds we would know everything that has to be done, there would be confidence in tomorrow. Maybe you will meet someone who will point you in the right direction. I understand that moving out involves lots of cash and world right now is like a shark swallowing everything. One day we all end up alone, people don't live forever. So you have to prepare yourself. Get married to a good person while you can, start a family and you won't be alone. But before doing this you should throw all this baggage of your back, your depression and fear.
I think you did take antidepressants, right? Same as me, zoloft. Didn't help me at all. I know what fear and anxiety truly is. I'm using L-theanine for suppressing anxiety, I feel more calm and awake with it. Google it if you want, it's a simple drug for stimulating brain. There's also GABA it's for better sleeping. And you can try listening to some healing music^_^
The fear just appears and goes, but try to push it away.

I dislike dead ends. It's a good metaphor, thanks.

I've been on meds for 15 years and little success to show. People have told me that I'm broken and need fixing, or that the problem will get worse and there is nothing I can do. I believed them for too long that my behaviors changed. Last night, my mom commented that she only got to see me for too short of time. I want to tell her that those comments create guilt which feeds shame, and things need to change. Neither parent seems to think that tv and screens are bad, but it's distracting to cultivate a strong connection. And that I've learned bad habits from her and my dad regarding relationships and friendships. That if they put down their devices and took the time to let me speak without judgement would help all of us be stronger as a family. I haven't told them about any discoveries I've made in the last few months. Instead, I've isolated and kept it to myself allowing the shame to grow in the darkness.

And my stress level has increased and causing digestive issues. I'm miserable. Is like to talk with my t but when I use my phone for too long, my ears hurt. I don't know what to do, but I need to find my way through this crappy maze. My t is so busy that it will be another 7 days before the next appointment.

Does your therapist help you to unload all your thoughts? What does he say about your situation with your family?
Those people saying that you're broken is not gonna help. I mean admitting that there is a problem is one thing, but saying that there's no solution is a toxic thing to say. Extremely damaging. People with gentle hearts have it the toughest. You need someone or something to back you up.

Your parents are behind an invisible barrier, they don't even know about it or subconsciously suspect of it. You trying to break through to them even just by thinking about them is admirable and that takes a lot of energy.

Older generation are really into their tv's, one of my grandparents always finds a way to do other petty thing rather than sit still and listen for a change. My topics are serious and involve thinking. Their brain are wired another way. That generation had it easy, the apartments were given free in that time, medical care and universities were free. Now my opinions don't count to them because I don't own a flat for which I'd have to pay half of my life and I don't want to be the bank's slave.

Do you mean that you hear the electrical sound/waves (don't know how to say it correctly) from electronic devices? Your ears hurt from that?

I hope your stress levels decrease and you change from miserable to happy^_^

I've got a middle ear infection. And for some reason when sound is close, makes my ear hurt. Same thing happens with headphones.

Interesting, I don't know about this condition.

Turns out it's not an infection. My ears are cleaned and did feel better. I went to bed last night a little anxious since my left breast was tender. I wake up and my body feels fine, or so I thought. I checked on me heart and energy low, stress high. I go to the bathroom and my thighs feel tight. Like I worked out to much. I'm not fully present, as I'm worried that something is happening that I'm unaware of. I got down stairs my Fitbit said I got up into fat burn, which is unusual for going down the stairs.

I did take anxiety meds. I hope they help. I noticed a weird drop in heart rate last night, down to 71. When resting rate had been 82-86. Is it my brain or my body? I have no idea, as I'm only partially here.

Or could this be withdrawal from the antibiotic or the vaccine.

I never experienced such side effects. Don't know what that could be. What vaccine did you take?

Moderna. Could be a combination of excessive stress and meds that I didn't need in my body. Tiredness is one thing but this total exhaustion. My bp is a little elevated but I'm normal range. I don't know what to do. I'm the same day I stopped two medications, had the vaccine, and had my ears cleaned. I'm not even sure if it is anxiety or something else. And not knowing plus it lasting for 24 hours. I'm not sure what to think.

I'm even questioning if sleep is a good idea.

It's difficult to pin point what exactly is causing this, to make you feel this way. Too many factors.

Your parents around you to check up on you? I hope you will get better.
My sleep patterns are out of control, wake at night, sleep at day.