Flat Line....

How can I sit here and just …. Be the type of person I am. I hate myself. I hate myself for feeling all that I do.

My friend came in my room and poured her heart out to me about her family, and things with our friends, and religion… and all I could do was sit here and be angry. Be angry and frustrated and AHH I hate this. I hate me. What the hell type of person does that to a hurt friend? I’m no good to her.

If I could wish for anything right now… it would to just blend in with the floor. Disappear. Curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and just … vanish.

This is bad… I have no reason to be feeling any of this. Is it just me then? Is there just something fundamentally wrong, some mix-up of wires in my head or something?

I can’t cry. I wish I could. I wish I could talk about this… but I don’t know where to start. I just feel all of these things at once, but at the same time feel nothing. Nothing good anyways. Happiness (if present) is short-lived, and often followed by further depression.

Simply put, I can’t do this anymore. I NEED something to change … or my SI days are not going to reach anywhere near a high number.

((((jacq)))) What is "this" that you speak of? Feeling and not feeling? Being numb but also feeling? Being angry, hurting friends (is that what she said?) If she's a real friend, she'll understand. You can call and apologize.

I do hope you get some good change. Gotta pull up out of the depression.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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I know the feelings well. You spoke what I think sometimes...a lot recently. I hope you can open up here and talk or get to a psych or therapist...Soon. I am here if ya want to talk... Melanie

Sky I have no idea what the "this" is... it's just like this heavy fog that is following me around everywhere, ALL the time. I wish i could say why i'm angry... I'm angry at everything. Mostly though, i think i'm angry because i'm so hurt... angry for how i've been betrayed by people I love... angry with myself for allowing me to feel whatever "this" is.

And my friend is actually my roomate... she's downstairs right now, and I know 100% that i could go and talk with her. But I can't. A huge part of me just wants to push her away ... push everyone away ... its safer that way.

Thank you Melanie... i appreciate your kind words and understanding. I have an appt with a T in a little over a week (first one with her) ... hopefully i'll be able to straighten this out a little

Hello (((JACQ))). I am sorry that you are struggling at thist ime, but on a betternote I am glad to hear that you are seeking help from a therapist for yur depression and feelings at this time. sometimes when I am at the Hospital with people at times when I visit in the Psych Ward or the physical floors and I cant really seem to find the word to say, I just tell them I am sorry that they are struggling and I hope things get better soon. People seem to feel guilty for not being the fixer of things, and it makes people feel inadequate or unreasonable, if they can not find the words or find the Quick fix for someone elses problems. At this time Jacq you have problems of your own, and you need to work on finding the happy medium for yourself, and not be bothered by somone elses quick fix, for your own mental health safety. Your roommate possibly needs counseling themself, and honestly if they do then professional help would be better for your roommate and yourself as well while you are not doing well yourself. Take care (((JACQ))). I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes. Soidhonia

(((((Soidhonia))))
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me... you are right about a lot of things. Feeling a little better today..

((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))

(((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))

Yes, seeing a T is good. The reason for this anger must be something big, that you don't see because of typical depression's selective attention. You need help to work it out.

The best of luck!

((((( jacq10 ))))) im sorry to hear that you're feeling so badly... you cant be all that awful, maybe just struggling to let your better self show?

i'm guilty of negative feelings at times also towards people IRL... if they just didnt seem so clueless!

each time i tell myself how ive got to stop doing that, and try to remember all the good things i want to happen and how my negative attitude isnt going to bring them any closer...

but in the moment...

i hope its practice, practice, practice..

i really hope the SI days number gets high...

(((((((jaqj)))))

Sweetie it is not eay to pull up out of a depression, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain in most cases and I wish you luck in talking with your T....we are all here to support you and hold your hand, I'm so sorry I just saw this post....

know we care....this will pass in time, look after YOU sweetheart, Jinny xxxxx

Hey Jacq,

Sorry this is not much, but i understand how you feel. I live with flatmates too and i get like that. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad
I'm sorry i can't be more coherent.
But sending you hugs and prayers.



ps - oh and i'm sorry for saying sorry so often.

Thank you everyone for the replies

I haven't been able to get on here much lately (internet isn't working well), but it means a lot to know that I have all your support. I've been feeling a little better these past couple days too, so *hopefully* I can pull myself out of this before I get in over my head.

to you all