Why I'm depressed

Hey, i want to start this off with two things:
1. I know that many people have had a much worse childhood than I did and I hope that it is still ok for me to vent and that I won't upset anyone by whining about these things when I'm lucky compared to others.
2. My English isn't all too great - I think it's good enough to get across what I want to say but still a heads up that I might use some unconventional phrasing or mess up the grammar.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with depression (only adjustment disorder) but at this point I think it's fairly obvious. I was ok a year ago. I was optimistic and looking forward to finishing school, to starting uni, to moving out and doing my own thing. That didn't work out that well. First of all my father has always been against me going to uni or getting any kind of higher education. I think he wouldn't have objected as much if I had been into science or some other "useful" subject and not literature, languages, media and philosophy. His opinion: stop dreaming and do something useful and practical. So naturally he was really pissed off when I decided to stay in school and apply to uni. I don't care as much about his lack of approval and support but his outright refusal to just let me do my thing and support me financially the way he is obligated to by law hit me hard. Where I live parents are obligated to financially support their kids until they've finished education/training that qualifies them for work. If they are not financially capable of supporting their children the state will do it instead. What my father did: refuse to pay and refuse to hand him the documents needed to check whether he earns enough to support me. So my only choice was to either make my own money or to sue him. So I started working two jobs and applied for a loan because seriously who wants to sue their own father?
That wasn't the bad part though. I would have been able to handle the situation if he had simply not been able to support my financially as long as there had been emotional support or at least a neutral relationship. Instead I was met with outright disdain, criticism, insults and accusations.
It didn't matter what I did, it was always wrong. What I think: wrong. What I do: wrong. What I like: wrong. What I eat: wrong. The way I dress: wrong. He used every opportunity to tell me what a naive, stupid, childish, unable, useless piece of crap I am. Whenever I didn't know something he accused me of playing dumb. Whenever I did something wrong because I didn't know better he accused me of doing it in purpose. He yelled at me constantly. He pointed out to other people how useless I am. Made fun of my interests. Called me naive. When I asked a question he would slap his forehead and grown to point out how dumb my question was. When I decided to stay quiet because I know he would disapprove of whst I had to say anyway he would wave his hand in front of my face and go "Hello?? Anyone inside???" He would basically treat me like some moron who didn't understand the simplest things while simultaneously accusing me of playing dumb of being manipulative when I really didn't know something.
Things got even worse when I decided to become vegetarian. In my naivity I assumed I would just... well, not eat meat. I would still participate in mealtimes and simply eat the side dishes. But no. My father completely lost his ****. Accused me of expecting him and his girlfriend of going through extra trouble to cater to my specific culinary tastes or whatever. As always he put words in my mouth that I never said. It got so bad that I stopped to show up at mealtime entirely. I wouldn't dare to even enter the kitchen when anyone was home, basically hid in my room the whole day and only camd out at night, which was difficult too because they tended do fall asleep on the sofa and the whole floor was open concept so sneaking into the kitchen always bore the risk of waking them up. I basically lived off chocolate milk for months and lost a lot of weight. (That's funny too: I used to be slightly overweight and he criticised me for that. Then I became thin and he criticised me for that too.)
There was other stuff too but basically, all in all, this stuff combined with the isolation due to corona, the financial issues and the complete lack of any kind of support pushed me over the edge. I started drinking right around my 18th birthday. I'll be 19 in the month and am not at 1-2 bottles of vodka a week. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for months and I can't seem to get out of it.
I did move out eventually. After a fight my father decided he didn't want me there anymore. He directly said it: "I don't want to have you here anymore". He decided he would pay the financial support after all just to get rid of me. I think his girlfriend also convinced him to hand in the papers to check whether I was viable for support from the state.
I moved out in December. In mid December I lost one of my jobs due to making too many mistakes. A couple of days later I received a letter from the authorities responsible for the financial stuff: after checking the documents my father had handed eventually they had come to the conclusion that I was viable for full state support and they would pay me back for the last three months as well (the time I had started studying).
I should have been happy but the combination of losing that job for being useless and simultaneously finding out that all the drama and stress of the ladt months had been in vain and could have been avoided if my father had just handed in the documents right away, was too much. I just completely lost my **** and

I could be ok now because I don't have to worry about finances anymore and I live on my own now and can just forget about all this ****. Except I can't. Every night I lie awake and replay scenes from my childhood, remembering moments where I had felt mistreated, misunderstood, neglected, insignificant, unwanted, unloved. Holding on to bad memories isn't useful but I can't stop the thoughts.
I self medicate with alcohol and sleeping pills just so I feel less raw and get some sleep.
My positivity and motivation, my plans for the future, my optimism, it's all gone. I just lie here every night hoping that one day it will magically get better.
So that's it basically. Go ahead and tell me how whiny and spoiled I am to consider "this" bad. I don't care.

Dear unpolar,

I do not find you to be whiny and spoiled. On the contrary, I find you to be a very inspiring and heroic individual.

After everything you have suffered I think that you might want to consider seeing a physician. Situational depression and depression that is the result of abuse or trauma can sometimes lead to brain pathology or dysfunction which only a physician can diagnose, treat or rule out as causal or contributory .

It sounds to me like you are under an overwhelming burden of pain. And you deserve to be treated with respect and care.

I was helped a lot by medication when I was in a situation somewhat similar to the one you describe. Talking to a psychotherapist can also sometimes prove helpful if one finds a good one.

I do not blame you for anything. I think you are doing the best you can given everything influencing you.

I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain and suffering but sadly I am not that insightful. Hopefully others here with more knowledge and experience and a better command of the English language will see what you posted and respond to you with things that are really and truly helpful. You deserve a break! So very, very sorry that I could not be helpful to you in this. My heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

PS: Bravo on being a vegetarian. I think that is also something wonderful and heroic!

To be honest your kind words and support already help a lot because I'm used to getting criticised and ridiculed and not taken seriously...

I feel so ****ing childish for complaining and making a big drama out of this. I know I'm too sensitive but I can't help it, I don't know how not to be affected by the way my father treated me. I know it's difficult to understand from an outside perspective why I can't just be cool, ignore it and do my own thing. It's mostly the way he looks at me, coldly, full of disdain and disgudt, like I'm some vile insect that's stuck under his shoe and he can't get it off. It ****ed me up getting looked like that for years. I'm weird about people looking at me. Someone looked at me in a kind and friendly way and I started sobbing like an idiot. Maybe there's something wrong with my brain that makes me overreact.