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tanyajohnes11
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Question Apr 29, 2021 at 10:09 AM
  #1
Guys, hi. I think I have a depression. I enjoy rainy days way better than sunny ones. I feel only destructive feelings (hatred when I see happy couples holding hands).
I can't enjoy a job promotion (cause I think I deserve better). I think that I will never be loved and I don't wanna be with someone who is not good enough for me. I mean, who is not 6 feet tall and who has less paid job than i do. I am in a bad relationship with my mom (this has been before epilepsy too), my mother gave me a stupid name which I had to change when I was 14, she is hysterical and manipulating (told me and dad she was going to commit suicide several times). She was expecting a boy but I was born and that's why she was taken by surprise, so to say.
I'd never been loved, only used by other people. When I try to tell this to my mom she starts arguing and telling me she loves me, but I never felt that (i was born when she was 19 y.o., I feel I am more mature).
I think I have no longer any desire to search for true love, true friends and etc. I feel like I just want to crawl down on the floor and cry silently... There's no one nearby. I am worn out.

It's unfair, all I have I had to fight for to get... I know others who just got love and friends, easy as they went on with their lives...

I think maybe I need a therapist. But I honestly don't want anything right now and this has been lasting for one month already. I'd never before felt anything like this.

I don't wanna clean the apartment. All of the sounds I hear irritate me.

I also have epilepsy.

For as long as it concerns BPD, i think I don't have it cause I took several self tests and so to say, I do not sleep with several partners, do not take drugs and do not think about suicide...
I am just feeling it's all too much for me to bring on my shoulders.
I wrote a post approximately half a year ago about my difficult relatioships with my mom, who is unstable....
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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 12:32 PM
  #2
Dear tanyajohnes11,

I am so very, very sorry you are suffering. How heartbreaking! It sounds like you might have depression, but since I am not a physician or medical professional my opinion is worst than useless. I suffer from depression and was helped enormously by medication prescribed by a doctor. This doctor was not a psychiatrist. He was just a regular doctor. I wish I knew what to say to be helpful to you or at least ease your pain and grief, but I don't know too much. I sure hope you find the root cause of your suffering and are able to regain some peace of mind and joy of living. It is just awful that you are suffering!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

PS: I visited Moscow once a long time ago. I have so many happy memories of my visit there and the people I met. I stayed in a huge hotel called Rossiya across from St. Basil's Cathedral. Someone told me that the hotel is no longer there but I don't know.
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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 02:23 PM
  #3
So Sorry that you're sturggling! Please do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful Yaowen about possibly seeing a therapist. Hugs. i think that may Help a bit. Please do consider seeing one. i Hope things will improve even with your mother. Hugs. You deserve much better than this. i'd suggest some self-Help books and articles as Well perhaps. Just do what is possible. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @tanyajohnes11, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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tanyajohnes11
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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 03:10 PM
  #4
Thank you a lot for your support here, guys! I wish I could say that I started feeling better but I don't..
I am really afraid of the future,, like i am afraid something bad is ought to happen, I've become somewhat supersticious...
I will see my psychologist only on May 19th cause of his vacation, and after that, I hope I will be any better...

Dear Yaowen,
Yes, the hotel Rossiya is no longer there, but there are lots of other 5 star hotels, like Ritz Carlton or Metropol or Crowne Plaza here...
Moscow is a real treasure for a traveler, I love living here way more than in my home town but unfortunately now I don't feel like going out anywhere. A couple of weeks ago I agreed to come with not such a close friend of mine to St Pete's, but now I don't know what I am going to do there... I don't want any kind of night life... It's a shoot.
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tanyajohnes11
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Default Apr 29, 2021 at 03:17 PM
  #5
I dated a guy in Feb, who was talking from the very beginning of starting a family and so on and so forth... So I told him I have epilepsy and it turned out he had it too. so we went to see the genetics doctor who said that I have a high chance of having genes mutations (frontal lobe epi) and after that we split with the guy. This is not my first time of being broken after I tell about my diagnosis. Even worse to know that if I ever decide to get a child they may come out with mutated genes and different sorts of illnesses... I don't know what to do. I am honetly lost...
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