Do you have these symptoms too? How do you deal with them?

Hey all. I think I have whats called treatment resistant depression because medications didn't work...? But it's maybe some weird special form of bipolar, except I don't have episodes anymore...? I also developed cPTSD and that has had effects too (getting better). So I don't really know, but I read that the symptoms I recently noticed are depression symptoms. Do you recognise them for yourself and if so how do you deal with them?


These:

(For TLDR skip to the questions at the end)

- If I try to read some fiction or watch a movie for fun/engaging times, I tire out about right after 1 hour. Then the bad past starts coming up, anything will trigger the bad memories in a tangential way even. I cannot escape them, they get more frequent and my brain falls apart more and more. I kept reading or watching (but videos are worse than reading I think) and I was forced to process bad memories/bad "thoughts" (really garbled thoughts at that point tbh) etc. and it wasn't that fun and sometimes I'd end the video while crying or upset or angry.

Or if I try to go to some nice place I can start crying or just feel strong sadness. I seriously considered going to some nice tropical or similar beach in the summer (I'm in Europe and Ive never been to any of those except once in Italy) and I felt like I'd have the same strong sadness once I'd be lying down to enjoy myself.

(maybe this one got better, I have to check by watching another movie but I'm still interested anyway).

- If I try to make a decision quickly for some new situation and I'm not up to speed (and I'm usually not in the morning....maybe by the evening I can, it gets better the longer Ive been awake) then I can feel like I can't deal with it in an efficient way or adapt fast..., like my brain is almost just blank and blocked... like it's all too disorganised and I can't get the energy to quickly get up to speed and like... deal with it all fast and efficient. This isn't the same as just feeling like I need to wait before I feel ready to think or decide about something. This is me wanting to do it and not being able to, not having enough energy for it. Being too slow or too disorganised mentally

- Often, new information ughhhh seriously hurts my head if I have to get into it fast. This one got like this after cPTSD but I think it isn't just cPTSD anymore. I just don't think so for some reason.

- All in all when I wake up it's the worst with being totally blocked or just slow and everything can feel downright *painful* (physically but I know it's not simple physical pain like from injuring yourself from a fall anything). I've improved alot with this though, now I just need to rest ~30mins in bed then I can get up and can even dress up fine. That's improvement!!
I also was like... for work during the day I used to be like, I could do x amount in 1 hour (x = abysmally low), and I did that with lots of pain/suffering/negative emotions. I would get better and up to speed by night (...or by next morning, waiting until then without sleep...). Now I can do a "normal" rather than an "abysmally low" amount during the day WITHOUT suffering if the work is not too hard and if it is routine work. At least in the afternoon I can, I didn't try in the morning yet. I also haven't tried harder work yet. But last time I tried it was still bad, about 10 days ago lol. I tried a piece of work 2 days ago that wasn't too hard but not routine either and that wasn't bad but I noticed I was being careful lol to avoid pain and it was late at night already. So idk

I improved on this (=routine work stuff is normal speed now in the afternoon) when I got a family member helping me and I felt like I had someone finally pay attention to me. Purely that on its own made me better lol. A few days ago. (Tbh it also helps me because I feel obligation too, as she temporarily sacrificed a few hours of her time/routine for that. I feel the obligation to also man up to doing things because of that. Like even if it feels painful, I'll start doing what I planned to do for the day... but tbh because of the above it isn't even that painful anymore. It all helps me have discipline and less strong negative emotion. But the negative emotions are still there, but are less strong.)

- I have one more problem/symptom that's kinda new actually or I didn't notice before because I was more blocked and I am more emotional now (so that is why I even am looking at symptoms of depression): I can read negatives into people's behaviours, even little behaviours... I constantly read negative attitudes towards me if something is ambiguous and if I was open to them just before the ambiguous thing happened. So I am very careful now really, making sure I am not too open to most people... but I read it's a symptom of depression too. I used to never do this.



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(TLDR too)


My questions:

1. If you had the first symptom above, ie. getting really negative after enjoying something for a short time, how long was it before it got better?

2. If you had the brain block or mental slowness in thinking or concentration...I read with depression you may need to break down tasks into steps where you never needed to do it when healthy. That resonates with me but my case seems extreme (also due to cPTSD - though that improved a LOT). Do you think simple cognitive exercises would work for getting up to speed? Does this issue or this idea make sense? If you did this sortof approach, exactly what types of exercises did you do and how long before it got better?

3. How do you deal with the negative thoughts about people's (imagined negative) attitudes towards you?


PS: The work I do is "supposedly" part time (idk...), and it's remote work

I watched another video, I tired out again after 1 hour & emotional triggers started coming

Reading fiction works okayish now though tho no not totally right either but usually OK. Videos seem harder on my mind

Hello, Alive99.
I speculate your experiences relate more to complex post-traumatic stress disorder than to generic depression.
You are your own experiment, and I applaud your watching another video to test your earlier observations. Perhaps, over time, the emotional triggers will weaken or evolve.
I hope you can discover what works for you. Learning what doesn't work can also be helpful.

With number 3 (don’t have symptoms of 1 or 2), it’s best to remember that what they think is their business and not necessarily true, since it’s a subjective opinion. They might not even be thinking negatively of you at all, you could just be projecting that onto them for whatever reason. It might help to figure out what the root of these thoughts are - I suspect it could be related to a fear of some kind. I know I have similar thoughts, in my case they are fear based and I can work out where some of the fears come from.
Once you know what’s really behind the thought, you can start working on it.

Thank you for your answer and your encouragement. I'm sure some of the "trigger" stuff is cPTSD related, but the negativity, sadness, dysphoria, pain and slowness in particular feels like depression, even if I don't want to think depressive thoughts. Before my cPTSD happened, I had (undiagnosed, untreated) anergic dysthymia for a full decade. So even with cPTSD resolving, I have to deal with that too. Even if I don't really want to think of myself as having depression, ha ha


As far as triggers and the whole bunch of negative emotionality weakening/evolving... I liked your thought on that! That's going to take time (and so much energy) for sure, whether cPTSD or depression related. I've read and have just finished a fiction book again, and it was a medical thriller, one of my favourite genres lol. But the thriller parts didn't cause any trigger. There was a heavily emotional scene near the ending (the suspense at its max too lol), and I was still able to handle that but then the next (closing) scene I just couldn't. Even though that was no longer any suspense or anything, it was just a wife and a husband talking and wifey was negative and assuming bad things of the husband when the husband just did a lot to protect her, and it all ended up becoming a trigger for me. I did process it in the end...but man, yeah, the energy and time it requires, lol.


So yeah, it's gonna take a while. Thanks again (for letting me say this).

Thank you for your input too. (I added a TLDR at the end of this post) What you say makes sense. I do in general understand that the negatives could be imagined even if the imagining may not be done via a projection mechanism. I think my biggest problem isn't even about discovering what's behind the negative thoughts/perceptions, but how I go from there when I discovered what's behind it. Like this evening too I discovered more of it. But then how do you come back from the low. Because seeing what's there requires you to go really low, and yeah it's really depressive if you aren't careful. But maybe you were talking about a different process, I don't know. I just don't really know what different process would be there for going from the negative/loss to the positive/gain. And that is why I posted in the depression forum lol, and not in the trauma forum.

My other problem with this issue is that if the other person/people do have some negative attitude then it will affect interactions. It is not just thought experiments or whatever, like... if they do have it I do have to prepare to not get too attached and stuff like that. Maybe that IS depressive or dark to think like that but I just don't really have enough resources/not recovered enough for now to not be concerned about sparing my resources and avoid more bad experiences. If that made sense.

So that is why my brain is still biased towards the negative rather than the positive - as protection. I read that's the point of depression, to protect you so you don't waste all your energy reserves. Well, I don't know if that's still adaptive if you go deep enough in depression and I don't want to go deeper. It's bad enough as it is lol

So I am saying all this because what I did figure out is that forcing positive thinking is downright dangerous for me because I did it for so long in the past and then I ended up here (in cPTSD too and stuff). I always feel better when I read about how people manipulate and betray others and how to recognise it in time. Things like that.

I just don't want to become paranoid and see negative where there isn't an actual negative that can mean tangible consequences. So that is why I asked about this issue. How do I work on the thoughts and how do I restore normalcy, come out of the negative perceptions and emotions after I recognised what concern is behind the perceptions/thoughts?

I lucked out this evening twice and got back from the low pretty fast - the second low was from the book trigger, the first low was from reading a psychology article. I stopped reading these articles recently because they would usually make me low and I wouldn't know how to come back from it. But I somehow forgot and read another article this evening, was a bad idea lol

I'm joking really because it did also help with me processing and then setting some new boundaries about someone (a sorta "friend", or more like a buddy that I've known for a long time who I got low about, the psychology article was a trigger to this issue with her. This happened after it seemed like we could be befriending each other more). It was just exhausting though to process like that like I'm being forced into processing randomly just because I read a psychology article that's supposed to help rather than push me low with a trigger, and I'm looking for some way that's less exhausting.



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TLDR:

I'm looking for a way that's less exhausting with working through the negative thoughts and perceptions, because how I do it currently is I go too low and it's like violent and sudden triggers getting me so low. Like, is there a way to work through them without having to experience the whole "low" to feel the concerns that are behind the negative perceptions? Those concerns or fears or whatever are very negative on their own already. Can I find and work through those things in a safer way? To not go so low or to come back from the low in a safer way?

i don't have much to share myself. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about Hoping that things will improve soon for you. Are you currentyly seeing a therapist/pdoc or anyone whom could Help? Perhaps it is worth giving that a try as Well. As for other people, i think it may be bes to avoid interacting with them if possible although it depends on what kind of people they are as Well i think. i Hope things will improve for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Alive99, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks much for your input and kind&encouraging words! I don't have access to therapy right now (due to lockdown measures).