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Alive99
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Default May 13, 2021 at 09:33 PM
  #1
I have a BIG problem with that. So like... I got this far. I can dress up, do morning hygiene routine, make my bed, eat breakfast. That works pretty okay every day now.

But then after breakfast I can't make the jump to go do work (remote part time work).

I can't make the jump or even keep engaged with the world, my life, keep "stimulated", I slide back to being "understimulated", in the depression rut, dangerously close to being stuck in my head, whatever.

I used to be lying in bed for 3-4 hours before I could get up in the "morning" and if I went to lie down during the day, bc I felt too tired or I got an acute depressive low, it would also take me like 3-4 or initially 5-6 hours to get out of it and get up again. I am able to get up in 30 minutes now and I do not allow myself to lie down during the day anymore.

I used to find dressing up actively *painful* or starting the extra morning routine, etc. It's no longer really painful. It's now not like dousing myself with a whole big tub of ice cold water (same amount of pain), now it's like a few splashes of cold water drops that go away quickly. I can dress up and stuff every day. It's regular now.

But what do I do after breakfast to make the jump?

Because now instead of work, what I do after breakfast is I continue reading something, I dunno, the news, topics of interest, to keep myself out of my head, but it is not enough to keep engaged with my actual life. I am actively avoiding self-help/psychology books/articles because I find they pull me down more into my head.

I do also have an issue with going to bed in time simply because of not feeling good for it (YES, self-sabotaging feeling!) But I've worked some on my sleep schedule. I know it does give me energy for the day if I'm able to sleep from midnight until 8 am, but I still have the same issues, it's just overall easier. So a good sleep schedule isn't enough.

So what do I do?

I discussed once on the chat on here that I could just go and make myself sit down at the desk even if I don't start working. It's a first step, right?

The thing is. I forgot that we thought of that...until now. And this chat where we thought of it was weeks ago!

So that makes the whole issue harder. I keep forgetting the stuff to do to get ahead with my day.

And if I try to jot down things, they are usually ideas that I can't seem to use later.

I would like a really practical guide here for steps, habits to do, if anyone has gone through this before.

Thank you a lot for any input!
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Alive99
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Default May 13, 2021 at 09:42 PM
  #2
My current er, daily routine now:



Wake up late morning/midday
Wait 30 minutes to get out of bed (read something on the phone until then)
Dress up
Hygiene routine & open window & make bed

Breakfast

I stay at the breakfast table. Reading the news, other topics of interest (I'm educating myself on a couple of things, the economy, neuroscience. These relate to my future plans/goals) maybe some fiction book
I also post on some forums related to what I'm educating myself on but that's kinda just for me to pass the time and is too addictive
And if I read the fiction books, it's too addictive too

Lunch (too soon bc of late getting up)

I make sure I sit on the couch in the living room, not in bed in the bedroom. Reading the news, other topics of interest (I'm educating myself on a couple of things, the economy, neuroscience. These relate to my future plans/goals), maybe some fiction book
Again sometimes I also post on some forums related to what I'm educating myself on but that's kinda just for me to pass the time and is too addictive
And if I read the fiction books, it's too addictive too

Sometimes talking to my mother for a few minutes
Sometimes sorting out urgent errands (paying the bills or the like)

Dinner

Towards the evening, often after dinner only, doing the part-time work tasks. I used to do it earlier for a short time when my mother was helping me by paying attention to me (temporary agreement).

Still staying up until like 2-3am or even 4-5am if I try to do more work or I get pulled in by processing my past issues or to try and find my way forward more.
Shower, brush teeth/evening hygiene routine


Also, every 2-3 days 15 minutes running.


Latest bad mental habits I cut out: paying too much attention to two people regularly taking hours of my time, several days a week. I've disengaged from them. Stopped reading too much psychology books/articles/forums because it pulled me low. But I know I sometimes still have to do it or I'll get stuck in processing the issues I got. I just try not to do it every day for hours anymore. I can go without it for days now. It helps me stay outside my head more.

Latest physical habits I cut out/changed: no more lying down in bed even for a short time, not even to read stuff. Made the time between runs 1 day sometimes instead of 2 days. (Need to get new running shoes though, until then I am conservative)



....

So I need to change the part about staying at the breakfast table/going over to the couch to read. Need to start doing other tasks right away or work


No?
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Default May 13, 2021 at 09:49 PM
  #3
I will post more. Because it helps me think & it's my own thread yeah. I observed that I can start work/tasks in the evening sooner than I used to. I used to be able to do it only during the night. But I take very long to actually start up. I prepare stuff for the work, do other (actually important) little tasks, then later in the evening I'm actually working. But not that long. Not long enough, I need to be able to do more. And need to be able to sooner than that late. Deadline pressure helps but it has to be extreme pressure and uh that's counterproductive too of course.

I used to get into real bad acute lows/episodes from all that pressure. That's gone... I don't even really need to pop 1-1 Xanax pill to avoid it anymore. I no longer lose sleep like that either.



But the slowness, it's bad. It prevents me from easily finding solutions, answers to these issues. And I forget the ideas if I had any that seemed good. Even if they are simple. Like the above one about sitting down at the desk. So it's slow as molasses, my progress here.


I've learned to be okay with how I have to accept that I can do only a little even if I want to do a lot, like sitting down at the desk knowing I won't necessarily be able to do a lot of work right away, I had a problem with accepting it and seeing it as a worthwhile step to do. But it IS a worthwhile step yeah?

I just have the problems of 1) self-sabotaging feeling not wanting me to go and sit at the desk for work/other tasks 2) or plain getting distracted forgetting that I wanted to do a task, .... or I remember for a second then my brain doesn't want to stay with it because it requires too much energy/being too "stimulated"/engaged. 3) trouble maintaining "stimulated" mode (a normal energy level in fact, used to be my normal) unless putting in a lot of extra effort. 4) if I allow myself to keep doing distractions (the things I called addictive above), then I'm stuck in the "understimulated rut" and it's harder to get out of it later. Bad direction.


And then why can I do things like educate myself on topics that I know I will need for my future goals? That's weird too. They are not addictive, they feel like actual work but I don't mind...?


It's like I will engage with what I know I will need later, but will NOT engage with the here and now.


I mean I could engage with it, with the here and now if it was about some fun or enjoying something - after I'm like, I've booted up enough for it, I know I can if I try - but I can't because of the tension because I know I have to do the work first and blah.

And I have a load of negative feelings that are coming out more and more (were blocked before). That also get in the way if I try to do things. If I enjoy a movie for 1 hour, I have the negatives coming up from my past. If I try to do a task, I have self-sabotaging negativity, and so on.... if I get enough energy, I get angry/raging for a while or go through other very bad strong negative emotions. Then I can keep engaged for a while and do work etc. But that's unpleasant having to do that and requires a lot of energy. Discipline also needs energy.


Yeah... any ideas?
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Default May 13, 2021 at 10:07 PM
  #4
OH. Thank you @mote.of.soul

So I was like.... writing above: why can I do things like educate myself on topics that I know I will need for my future goals? That's weird too. They are not addictive, they feel like actual work but I don't mind...?

It's like I will engage with what I know I will need later, but will NOT engage with the here and now. Because I often don't believe there is a point, because I don't trust I can sort that part of my life. I mean... I had a lot of bad experiences, because of a particular issue that most people don't have to deal with and it feels like it makes living life hard or impossible. It does objectively make it harder. I also had some traumas due to it, indirectly or directly due to it. But I've been finding out ways about how to get around that. But I've been slow at this too, I've avoided it for so long, this topic. It is complicated as to what it is.


So yeah my problem is I do not believe in the present enough. I have some future goals but between here and that future a lot of other things need to be done, and I know what needs to be done, but I'm lacking the belief. Because I've not sorted out exactly what to do about that particular issue. It strongly relates to being able to enjoy the company of people, friends, several people in a small group, .... Because the rest of the issue is completely objective, that I know I can figure out, but because of that stuff I have an issue believing in there being a point bothering with it all.

I made a big step last night about that though. My mind was finally ready, picking up data from some unrelated articles and then I've read I could go and meet some people in a group who would be welcoming and understanding of me. Maybe... I'm SLOWER THAN molasses about this one. I've had to go through so much processing of my past, memories, emotions, to be able to get to this. I had a catharsis last night about how all of it added up for me for long decades causing problems. Because I read someone's article on how that works psychologically. It was the perfect description for me and explaining a lot of my life. Sorry, I am rambling now.


I am just writing all this because I am trying to work and can't if I don't get some negatives out or see a way forward and feel better.

I've made another step forward: I'm able to talk more in detail about what the problem is with my days and asking questions about it. Without getting stuck in my head and processing the past. This is sorta being in the here and the now with that.
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Default May 13, 2021 at 10:16 PM
  #5
When I got attention (temporary agreement as above), I was able to finish work tasks DAYS BEFORE THE DEADLINE.

Man, that was a first. But so awesome.

Also I've just remembered another idea I had tonight (it's getting really late), about how to get her help again. She's willing to help more, she just doesn't know how and I had an idea about that. It requires me facing the issues I have, my slowness, depression, all that, but that's okay.

I was gonna forget that idea, but this thread helped me remember LOL
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Default May 15, 2021 at 06:37 PM
  #6
That idea worked for now I first needed to rest on Friday because of how late I got to bed in the morning. Plus I got bad memories coming up (reworked some of the memories emotionally I think...). So I didn't do much. But Saturday was decent.... I got up and felt more energy than usual. Then I did my 15mins run and then I went to get my vaccine finally and then I was able to work like 2.5 hours (in parts) in the late afternoon/evening. It didn't feel too easy but it was doable. And I was doing it at a decent speed too. Way better than say, half a year ago. My concentration was not at its best but it was actually pretty decent, I just felt I had to work hard at maintaining it, but doable with 30min rests, yes. Then when eventually I felt better (and it being evening helped too but it was pretty early evening compared to how it usually is for me with being able to work), I was able to do 15mins instead of 30mins for a break and could work for 45-45mins instead of 30-30mins.

I'm very sure that doing the work/tasks with *realistic expectations* for my depressed/low energy state helps me feel better after a while. (I just used to be so disconnected that I was not able to even feel what's realistic... I'm a lot better by now) I also noticed that if I don't expect enough from myself though then I will feel like sinking back in the low energy. But I can pull myself out of it pretty fast, is what I experienced today. Weird. Just really tricky finding that balance overall, after the first 30mins I felt like I was working too hard, the 30mins rest did wonders, I guess. And by the end I felt like going on and doing more work. But then since it was evening I told myself to stop. I can do the rest tomorrow. Then go back to the big bad task. lol (That I posted about in another thread of mine...I've got through the wall between me and that task, so I'm ready to continue with it!)


About to go to bed now, earlier than I've been doing it in the last few days/weeks. The idea, I would like to see if I can try it right after breakfast too, tomorrow. And then if it keeps working for several days I will post more on what the idea was... just because maybe it would help others too. It does require you facing how it's much harder to do things than when you were your "normal self" before the depression. But it's okay for me.

My only little concern is whether there are more bad memories in store or not that will want to pull me down. But I hope not. This one too I dealt with it by knowing it's not even real anymore, it's in the past and all that. I was able to just go teleported back in time on Friday morning... I relived a horrible conversation and I felt like it rewrote my memories and understanding, interpretation of the whole situation. Taking in the hard reality of it all. Which does take energy and I do have to get over the negative emotions coming from it but I feel like I do not believe what they are telling me, I'm able to look past the negativity and see life for what it is, how I used to see and experience it (with a little more knowledge on some things than before, though).

I just hope there are not too many more memories like that. Thanks to the Friday morning processing, I made a vow that I will not re-read or revisit in any other way any of these conversations and happenings. I don't think I would be able to get more out of them now. Even if they come up, I can just push them away, knowing that it would not give me more useful information or understanding, and would just pull me down. I feel like I can push away things like that. It's hard to do that but it wasn't even doable before! So there's improvement lol

Last edited by Alive99; May 15, 2021 at 06:51 PM..
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Default May 16, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #7
I've done more today. I want to do more, need to really ramp up ......Um well yeah that takes time. But I've felt so good.
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Default Jun 04, 2021 at 07:55 PM
  #8
I'm getting better!! Family helped too!, the idea worked for a few days with them helping, I could do work in the late afternoon, early evening. Then the idea wasn't relevant anymore because I had to get big monster task finished. So I had to temporarily drop the goal with the daily schedule. However, I was handling the stress around that better than I used to with such tasks and delays. It didn't result in loss of sleep much, and I didn't get ANY unstable mood (in the past it would be acutely low first then by the time I got through the task, it would be too high mood and couldn't wind down to sleep). Also, I was staying with family since last September, but they left for a week and so I had to go back to my own apartment 3 days ago. And by then I finished most of big monster task, that was a boost too, but being back in my own place (much nicer than family apartment, because in the latter place I only have one room for me and it's not renovated), it was another nice boost, with summer finally starting too. So the day I moved back, I went in the morning and I was able to work throughout the day. And next day too and next day (that was today that's just ended, it's night here now). That's been awesome because I did not have that ability before. Especially NOT when living alone. I was concerned that if I go back to live alone, I'll get to feel low more, and less chance to work during the day but it turned out the opposite way so far. It helps that I go out every day to eat and then do some work there too. So the day schedule looks pretty normal for now. The last time it was normal....it was so long ago I don't remember. Two decades ago lol.

...I also work hard on staying engaged, not disconnected. I had a few hours of being shut down the previous evening (1 day ago). But I recovered from it OK by reminding myself how I'm proud of how well the day went until the evening. I think I really expected too much from myself for the condition I've been in. It helps recognising that yeah. But also bad past, trauma memories, "triggers", bad interactions with people, other stuff wants to pull me low but I'm practicing instantly telling myself how all that's just bull**** that does not mean anything. And pulling myself up again, telling myself that even if right now I'm just alone in this place I'll find a way in future around it. I was not able to tell myself that before, but I worked through so much, processing a lot, CBT-like techniques, etc etc., so I don't have to reason through it again and again, I have confidence in the conclusions, so I can just tell myself the conclusion, e.g. that I'll sort out the future, etc. I also always make sure I know what I'm going to do, what things there are for me to do, to keep active. My vitality and energy is really coming back. Practicing a lot there still.

Last edited by Alive99; Jun 04, 2021 at 08:08 PM..
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Default Jun 06, 2021 at 07:30 PM
  #9
OK well I have to figure out how to avoid people pulling my mood/energy down. My mood being down specifically means I shut down.... loss of energy. I ran into someone a couple of days ago who did that by doing a toxic thing, and I've so had enough of those people. I really just cannot be bothered with them anymore. I'm past that situation, I avoided their trying to pull me into bad drama, I just don't know now how to get back to the nice good days and be able to do work/things again.
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