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Rose76
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 02:17 PM
  #1
I could use any encouragement that anyone can spare because I can't seem to get into a positive frame of mind on my own.

For weeks, I couldn't keep up with basic household chores. I'ld wash a few dishes . . . then feel like I just had to sit down. Up and down, up and down. After a little bit of effort, I'ld want a rest period. I can't remember when I last vacuumed the place. Lying down felt so good, and I stayed in bed a lot.

I figured all this "laziness" was depression. Oddly, I hadn't felt that despondent. My body seemed depressed way more than my mind. Well, a week ago, I could hardly carry some bags of groceries from my car into the house. It felt like I barely could walk. So I went to the hospital. Turns out, I was so anemic that I needed a blood transfusion. The doctors figured I must have internal bleeding somewhere in my gut. I went through tests (scopes) which failed to reveal where I was losing blood from.

After I got the blood, I felt a hundred times better. Now, back home, I have to catch up on all I neglected for weeks. Turns out I really had been too physically weak to keep up with stuff. But now, I should be alright for awhile, physically. Trouble is - I feel very depressed mentally.

I don't know how long that transfusion is going to hold me. For a few years now, I keep becoming seriously anemic over and over. (This was the first time I actually needed blood.) So I've got more tests to go through. It's probably just a matter of time before I'll need I/V iron again. As chronic health problems go, this isn't the worse ailment to have. People deal with way worse issues. Somehow, though, I feel so defeated.

A year ago, cancer took my boyfriend, after years of his being very sick. I was lately dealing pretty well with the loss. I thought I was done with hospitals for a while. Then I end up spending 5 nights in the hospital. Now I feel very alone without him.

I feel I have nothing to look forward to but being alone and watching my own health start to decline. That's depression talking. I can argue against that dreary outlook. To believe anything positive, I have to make myself get up and straighten out the disorder all around me. If I catch up on stuff, I will feel better.

I feel like going back to bed. That's the wrong choice. I just don't seem to want to try to help myself.

I guess this will blow over eventually.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 02:49 PM
  #2
If i send you a picture of my kitchen, i guarantee you would feel a million times better. Ive been thinking of making a "im cleaning my hoard" youtube vlog, for accountability and cash.

So yeah, feeling pretty hopeless myself.

I think its like how they tell young marrieds etc to buy quality furniture, silverware etc - not because the cheap doesnt last, but because it DOES and you are stuck with it forever.

Eta - so its not that we will get out of this predicament soon, but that yeah we will be stuck with it for longer than we like.

Ive been doing a little at a time, a little at a time, a little at a time. Not making a big dent in the mess, but at least hacking the encroaching kudzu back a bit
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 03:02 PM
  #3
So Sorry for your Loss and that you're feeling lonely! Please Do not give up! i agree with you and the wise and wonderful unaluna that that may be the depression talking. Try your best to take care of your health. It is good that you were aware enough to go to an hospital when needed. Do what you can. Stay Safe. Sorry if this post wasn't very helpful. Know that i am here and Hopefully i am not the only one either. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Rose76, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; Jul 18, 2021 at 03:02 PM.. Reason: added capital S in Safe
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 04:10 PM
  #4
Thank you both for your posts. It's nice to hear from someone so quickly.

Yes, Mickey, it's good I went. Five days prior I had suddenly felt very weak in the shower. I got out and immediately threw up, even though there was little in my stomach. What came up was black, which could have been blood. But I just figured I'ld call my PCP next day, which I did. Well 5 days later, it was clear something was seriously wrong. I spent 5 hours in the waiting room, but the care was very good when they got to me. I was even given a very nice, private room on a unit just for women. I think I kinda miss being there. Staff kept checking on me, and I felt in good hands. I don't need that level of looking after now. Still, I wish I wasn't alone. My boyfriend was a good caregiver when he was able-bodied. I wish he was here with me. Everything would seem different. A friend has been calling me, but I'm not in the mood to hang out with her.

Thanks, unaluna. You seem to know just what I'm talking about. What's awful is that I can't seem to get started to make the place even a little better. I am going to get up in a bit and work on the kitchen. It's very hot here today. My evaporative cooler isn't very effective because it's humid outside. Maybe if I just soaked my feet in a basin of cool water. I don't have the ambition to get into the shower. Then, maybe if I went to the grocery store and picked up some favorite foods. Like you, I'm going to have to be satisfied with making progress cleaning in small increments. They'll add up.

In a few days. I go to see an MD at the clinic where I get my primary care. I think about mentioning that I'm more depressed lately. But I'm afraid he'll just want to refer me to the psych center, which is a place I just hate. I used to get psych care there. They tried me on every med going. Then they recommended ECT. This was back in 2011. Lithium had bad effects on me, about which they didn't believe me. Nothing much at that place was helpful. I went back to just the amitriptyline that I've taken for many years. It's the one drug that actually helps a bit. Ritalin helped a little, but I hesitate to ask for it again.

I wish my family weren't so far away. I have a sister I haven't seen in over 7 years. COVID is the main reason for that. (and that I couldn't go anywhere. while my bf was so sick, which lasted for years.) I could travel now, but I need to stay right here for the tests doctors want to do to identify the origin of my blood loss.

I got fully vaccinated against COVID and thought life would get easier and more normal. But no.

I'll go work on the kitchen. I feel so alone, but I just have to accept that for now. In the evening I usually feel better, compared to during the day.

Thank you both for your posts. Your responses make me feel less cut off from the human race.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 04:18 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I could use any encouragement that anyone can spare because I can't seem to get into a positive frame of mind on my own.

For weeks, I couldn't keep up with basic household chores. I'ld wash a few dishes . . . then feel like I just had to sit down. Up and down, up and down. After a little bit of effort, I'ld want a rest period. I can't remember when I last vacuumed the place. Lying down felt so good, and I stayed in bed a lot.

I figured all this "laziness" was depression. Oddly, I hadn't felt that despondent. My body seemed depressed way more than my mind. Well, a week ago, I could hardly carry some bags of groceries from my car into the house. It felt like I barely could walk. So I went to the hospital. Turns out, I was so anemic that I needed a blood transfusion. The doctors figured I must have internal bleeding somewhere in my gut. I went through tests (scopes) which failed to reveal where I was losing blood from.

After I got the blood, I felt a hundred times better. Now, back home, I have to catch up on all I neglected for weeks. Turns out I really had been too physically weak to keep up with stuff. But now, I should be alright for awhile, physically. Trouble is - I feel very depressed mentally.

I don't know how long that transfusion is going to hold me. For a few years now, I keep becoming seriously anemic over and over. (This was the first time I actually needed blood.) So I've got more tests to go through. It's probably just a matter of time before I'll need I/V iron again. As chronic health problems go, this isn't the worse ailment to have. People deal with way worse issues. Somehow, though, I feel so defeated.

A year ago, cancer took my boyfriend, after years of his being very sick. I was lately dealing pretty well with the loss. I thought I was done with hospitals for a while. Then I end up spending 5 nights in the hospital. Now I feel very alone without him.

I feel I have nothing to look forward to but being alone and watching my own health start to decline. That's depression talking. I can argue against that dreary outlook. To believe anything positive, I have to make myself get up and straighten out the disorder all around me. If I catch up on stuff, I will feel better.

I feel like going back to bed. That's the wrong choice. I just don't seem to want to try to help myself.

I guess this will blow over eventually.

I feel you. While I’m not suffering from anemia, and I didn’t have a bf die on me from cancer, I did have to end a relationship with someone that almost everyone else thought was going somewhere. I can definitely identify with your feelings of defeat and fatigue. My psychiatrist gave me Wellbutrin to help with that and while I haven’t been taking it because I’ve been worried about side effects, i am reconsidering for the sake of increased energy.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 05:37 PM
  #6
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I feel you. While I’m not suffering from anemia, and I didn’t have a bf die on me from cancer, I did have to end a relationship with someone that almost everyone else thought was going somewhere. I can definitely identify with your feelings of defeat and fatigue. My psychiatrist gave me Wellbutrin to help with that and while I haven’t been taking it because I’ve been worried about side effects, i am reconsidering for the sake of increased energy.
Thanks, leo. The ending of a relationship that once held promise is a very great loss. It's not so different from my loss. You had placed hopes and expectations on being with someone who you thought would be there for you, sharing the joys and struggles of life. Then you saw your hopes misplaced and made the decision to end it. That leaves a very large void where all that hope had been. My guess is that you've grieved over this loss.

Feelings of defeat and fatigue are miserable. Wellbutrin is a fairly benign drug compared to a lot of others, in terms of side effects. At least that's my impression. I think I was on it briefly once, long ago. You probably should give it a try and see how you feel on it. I hope we both find a way to feel less defeated. Fatigue plagues us right when it takes a good bit of energy to move forward.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 05:46 PM
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Thanks, leo. The ending of a relationship that once held promise is a very great loss. It's not so different from my loss. You had placed hopes and expectations on being with someone who you thought would be there for you, sharing the joys and struggles of life. Then you saw your hopes misplaced and made the decision to end it. That leaves a very large void where all that hope had been. My guess is that you've grieved over this loss.

Feelings of defeat and fatigue are miserable. Wellbutrin is a fairly benign drug compared to a lot of others, in terms of side effects. At least that's my impression. I think I was on it briefly once, long ago. You probably should give it a try and see how you feel on it. I hope we both find a way to feel less defeated. Fatigue plagues us right when it takes a good bit of energy to move forward.

Thank you for your compassion rose76. I’m guessing that was the year you were born in?

I think what’s so difficult for me is that my ex bf wants to continue to be my bf but I can’t be around someone who smokes and drinks and uses and doesn’t believe in God, and who also is incredibly intertwined with his mother in a way that even my 20 year old daughter is not enmeshed with me.

I’m grieving the loss of the dream that this time it would be different . I’m definitely ready to give up on relationships for awhile. I compromised so much without knowing it.

I keep thinking if only I had held on to my ex husband, then I see pictures of him and know I couldn’t have.

I did try Wellbutrin for a couple of weeks.

I hope in your case you are able to find a solution for your anemia. That is rough.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 07:05 PM
  #8
Leomama - you may have to decide to make a clean break. Of course, he wants to keep being your bf. It sounds like there was no downside in it for him . . . . . except when you, in your heartless way, would fail to adequately acknowledge his mother. Remember: they're a package deal . . . a twofer the price of one. All the downsides you cite seem permanent. I don't think more time would change anything. It wasn't wrong to give it a shot. You had to go through what you experienced to discover what the deal is with this man. Now you know.

I see in threads often that members talk about trying to maintain a friendship with a former romantic partner, or loving someone else who is trying to do that. Nothing good seems to come of it. I don't say it's necessary to become enemies, or refuse to say hi when you pass the person. I do think it's best to fully disentangle and regard the person as you would someone you went to school with years ago. To continue confiding in one another is probably a real poor idea. I see where some choose to do that, which keeps an old wkund open and becomes an obstacle to finding a new sig. other, or just getting free of what's over.

I think I'll try to clean my kitchen. Why that has to seem so awful hard. How pathetic I am. So many people have so many heavy crosses to carry, and they do what life demands of them. If I don't try harder, I won't deserve anything nice to happen to me.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 07:42 PM
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Leomama - you may have to decide to make a clean break. Of course, he wants to keep being your bf. It sounds like there was no downside in it for him . . . . . except when you, in your heartless way, would fail to adequately acknowledge his mother. Remember: they're a package deal . . . a twofer the price of one. All the downsides you cite seem permanent. I don't think more time would change anything. It wasn't wrong to give it a shot. You had to go through what you experienced to discover what the deal is with this man. Now you know.

I see in threads often that members talk about trying to maintain a friendship with a former romantic partner, or loving someone else who is trying to do that. Nothing good seems to come of it. I don't say it's necessary to become enemies, or refuse to say hi when you pass the person. I do think it's best to fully disentangle and regard the person as you would someone you went to school with years ago. To continue confiding in one another is probably a real poor idea. I see where some choose to do that, which keeps an old wkund open and becomes an obstacle to finding a new sig. other, or just getting free of what's over.

I think I'll try to clean my kitchen. Why that has to seem so awful hard. How pathetic I am. So many people have so many heavy crosses to carry, and they do what life demands of them. If I don't try harder, I won't deserve anything nice to happen to me.

I agree with you and as you know I work with him so it makes a clean break hard. I’m planning on going back to my old job, which should help.

Don’t judge yourself for having a hard time cleaning your kitchen. I feel the same about my apartment. Start with one task and when you complete that, see where you are at.
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Default Jul 18, 2021 at 08:32 PM
  #10
Thanks, Leo. Probably the best thing to do. I can't come up with a better plan.

I was thinking of phoning a sister. Now I think maybe not. I value my family, far off though they are. But I've learned that people don't do well hearing about a problem they feel helpless to alleviate. MSF fills in a big gap.
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