[Lyric]

I wanted to be happy today, but it didn't work out well. My dad brought up divorcing my mom and that she'd end up on the street if he divorced her..All over a remote. Of course, he has taken the Directv remote in our living room because he and my mom had an argument and he's mad because he "pays all the bills but gets complaining for it". Today he asked me to go with him to get groceries, etc. I really didn't feel like going but I did anyway. In the car, he was going to give me the remote and told me to keep it hidden. I wanted to minimize conflict so I refused it.

He related that to me being "put in the middle" and said that I wouldn't be put in the middle anymore, because he'd suddenly decide to go onward with a divorce with my mom. (More on that later.) That made me frustrated because I don't want my mom out on the street, and he says she wouldn't get custody with me at all and that she couldn't get a dime from him.

He wouldn't understand why I was so furious/crying so much and kept saying I had nothing to do with his decision, but he kept quoting me from when I said that I didn't want to be put in the middle (I was sick and tired of them dissing each other and loading all of that on me.)

I felt like crap the whole day. I plastered on a fake smile and forced myself not to display my degree of being upset, but I wasn't doing too well. What really bothers me about this is that my dad says if he sees me distressed again, he's divorcing mom.

Obviously, I can't NOT get sad for two years, after hearing all this dissing nonstop. And of course he says that if I try to hide it he'd know. What frustrates me about that is that he will automatically associate distress with my mom.

For two straight years, I'd better learn not to express too much sadness around him..Because I'm concerned about my mom,too.

Also noted: He said that to REALLY put me out of the middle, when he divorced my mom he'd give me to the state and let a foster family take care of me.

My parents are in two separate rooms of the house. Out of nowhere, they just happened to grow apart when I was born and afterwards. And I'm not supposed to think it's my fault? Ha.

They don't speak to each other in the house, and avoid each other completely. They always tell me they're not putting me in the middle, but they do all the time. I can't go an hour without hearing something about the "other parent's past".

Last summer, I heard about my would-be brother's death (he was born way before me) and it was too much for me. I can't get the poor baby off of my mind and I cringe thinking about his gruesome death. My parents' bickering caused their lack of attention which caused him to be severely burned in a bathtub (in an apartment, before they got a house, or had my older sister, or had me, and at the time the water system would suddenly get hot without warning.) According to my dad, Daniel (his name)'s skin fell off and my parents freaked out. So much that they never sent him to a hospital. They tried their own method of taking care of him, and he eventually died not long after.

They went to jail, and all that. I just learned about that last summer,too. I blame their bickering. Their bickering has caused so much turmoil in our family- Because of said incident my older sister was sent to live with other relatives, which kept me from ever really knowing her. She's still there, but we're so far apart that we haven't really talked. I barely know her.

Their bickering is also giving me massive stress right now. So much that I've been planning to live in a different state once I go to college, just so they can't lock me into long rants about the other parent. But knowing them, they'd just do that on the phone.

They're not bad people. But they're completely oblivious to anyone else's feelings but themselves sometimes. They've made a lot of mistakes because of that, and no one in the world can tell them that.

That's not the only thing that's bothering me. I could go on for pages about the other things they do that bother me, but also on my mind is a September breakup with someone whom I truly loved. He was my second boyfriend and my first love, and I've never gotten over him. I was never able to stop feeling depressed after thinking about him for a while, and I've never looked for another boyfriend since. I can't even bother; I'd just miss him more. I wish he felt the same way, but he's too busy feeling that for an ex who doesn't give a care. I can't ask him out again because I already know his answer to that.

Oh, I've tried speaking to my school counselor. Know what happened? She called my mom to come in. My mom told me that if that ever happened again she'd call my dad to come in. My dad hates me talking to outside groups about my problems, and he works far from my school.

I can't really talk to my friends about this. I've tried; it never comes out right and I just feel guilty or nervous afterwards. I used to feel that comfortable with my boyfriend, but after he broke up with me I just feel ashamed for it.

Sometimes (even now) I feel like I'm completely alone and that no one will want to be around me if I tell them what's really wrong.

I'm really upset right now and just need someone to talk to, but I don't know who else to turn to.I feel overwhelmed and not in control of my emotions. I just need some support right now..

YO! This may be hard to believe, but I'm not a mopey person in my school. I'm the optimist that always keeps a grin. But right now it's hard to do that.

[nowheretorun]

hey lyric... ive just read this .... how are you now?

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry things are so rough at home. I can see why you are so overwhelmed. I am glad you found us here and that posting helps you. Know I am here and I care.

BB

[Doh2007]

You are in a tough place. I'm glad you found psych central. We really care and we'll listen, because we care.

[Lyric]

Thank you. I'm just happy to know that I can finally talk to someone, without judgment.It means a lot to me..

Today I'm doing a bit better.

[cajun]

Lyric, I seriously doubt that the court would give your mom nothing and she would be thrown out on the street if they were to get a divorce. Your dad is just using that as a means of intimidation. He is also using the "if you show sadness I'll divorce your mother" line to intimidate you. Believe it or not this is a common story. It happens more than you think. I went through something similar but not quite as extreme as a child. Look forward to seeing you in chat. I think I may have some ideas to help you. Also, leaving the state to go to college sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Regards, Cajun

[wickedwings]

oh, geez! i am so sorry you are going through all that. you have found a great place for support.