Carryng a bad feeling everyday (just vent)

My last 7 years been terrible. I quitted a career and then just couldnt keep a stable life. I started having BIG sleeping issues that still carry this days, being awake the whole night and then not being able to be awake at day.


This problem created a hate towards me in my family. They think "I like to be awake at night", they dont understand its a problem I deal with.


Ive spent the last 6 years with mental problems. Besides the sleeping issues, I stopped seeing the friends I had, they were good people, but just not "my kind of people". I was such a neurotic at that time, and an obsessive.


The thing is that now I feel so deteriorated. Because my sleeping issues my body is in such a pain.


I shouod start a career, at 29 old ! I feel so tired. All feels so "heavy". The mental pain is constant.


I think "things could have been so different if I had been in the right state of my mind". But life was always so difficult to me. Study was hard, have a good time just talking with people was hard, all was hard. Its no surprise at all Im so wrecked right now.


My family is insane. My father just cant think right or normal, he doesnt see how mentally bad he is, so I cant have a rational talk with him. My sister grew up to be a "hippy" and think that rocks have powers and things like that. My mother, who I love inmensely, had a stroke long time ago, and she could be very draining, when I go to visit her (she lives alone, in her own house) talks constantly, the courtains are closed, no light, the house is a mess, dirt all over, boxes and stuff all over the house, she doesnt want me to clean up the house, the backyard is all pooped by a dog. And even if she conserves some sanity, she is see things so... "simple", and the topics we can talk are very shallow, like... reality shows, baking shows, and even if she was very strong into politics and she know about it, because of her stroke she doesnt think straight and is just obsessed with some political views, and its imposible to have a rational talk.


And the worse part of all ? What Ill need to feel something better ? Just... some normal talk. Thats why I started joining to depression forums, to find people to talk. But is so difficult to find people who wants to talk !!! And well... have some things in common. Ive never find a person online I feel "yes, this person likes me", which is kinda how I feel with people in real life. Just makes me feel like screaming, a total mind f##k !! I feel doomed to be an outsider, to see other people with a smily face, and getting along, and me here like "why you can enjoy talking with each other ? You are just talking like stupids".


I know, Im a crazy person. Man... life was ok for me at some point, now its just Hell, pure Hell. Hell, hell, hell...

Life has been so hard for you. It is heartbreaking when life seem good to some and unkind to others. I am very weak mentally speaking and have been in a mental hospital for situations that are not nearly as stressful and unhappy as the ones you mention. You must be a much stronger person than I am. Being all alone with pain is perhaps one of the worst forms of agony. Wish I knew what to say to help but I am not in a good place. Often I don't know what to say to people who are suffering. Sometimes you want to say something, heart speaking to heart but not only won't the words comes, but even the ideas seem unreachable. A long time I ago I read a book by a famous psychiatrist. He said that what most people need most is just a good friend. I think there is truth in that.