It Doesn't Get Better

Why...does my life...never get any better. I used to be a really happy, sunshine person. Like, people told me I was such an inspiring bright light and now I'm just dull, depressed, depleted, exhausted. Never feel like I'm good enough, often feel like a failure. Can't hold down a job. I'm too tired all the time. I remember what happy me was like, before all the traumas and things I've gone through. I miss being that person.

Every day is a bad day. It seems like good things rarely ever happen to me. I've been so stressed out I've been having medical problems again. People don't want to talk to me or be around me. I feel invisible, unloved...I may be unloveable, and I can't blame them. I seem to do everything wrong. My emotions get so out of control it's hard to handle, and I do try. I often feel like I'm just drifting and floating and existing, but not really living. I have no close friends, no significant other (at this point considering remaining single for the rest of my life due to the most recent relationship disaster). I don't have a career. I don't have dreams really because they all seem impossible. Everything I try to do simply fails. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm at such a level of exhaustion from surviving and coping with everything that I feel like I've got nothing left in me.

What do you even do when you feel this way? I mean, besides seeing a therapist because I'm still on a waiting list.

The only thing that has helped me is to realize that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I am in a pretty dark place right now too. Somebody wrote on a thread somewhere that you should live every day as though you have a future even if you don't believe it is true right now. Those words have helped me a little bit. It has translated down to me getting out of bed and eating some food on the worst days, and trying to do a bit of work because future me may benefit from that etc. It's not much, but it's something I guess. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I hope it gets better.

To be honest, I love this mentality. I think it's a good one. I once heard someone say as long as they had one person who loves them, they can keep going. I don't have anyone I'm close to so that doesn't apply to me so much. I don't even have a pet right now. But what helps me, is that I told God/The Divine that I would do divine work in my life, helping others. And that really is what keeps me going. I made some promises to a Higher Power. I am a person of integrity, so keeping promises is important to me. That's why I did it.

I am recognizing and accepting that...I am mentally ill. I have a horrible illness in my mind and brain. That needs healing. When I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease at the end of 2019, I followed the doctor's directions...because I would have died if I didn't. I swallowed a radioactive pill. I rested. I took all the medications prescribed. To me, depression isn't much different. There are things I've gone through, traumas, and they are afflicting my mind. I have depression. Possibly a chemical imbalance. I probably need medication.

So, I think before my life can get better, I need to get better. As much as I'd love to have a career, a partner, etc. I feel if I tried now, I'd ruin it all because of my psychological issues. There is a time for everything. And sometimes, it is a time to heal.

I am distracting myself by doing more tasks. I was getting involved with abusive men and leading a rather sad life. Now, for over two months, I got another job offer and am applying to grad school. I am a bit manic in my approach but life is great! I could not be better. I understand how you feel though about feeling depressed and wanting to do nothing: obsessing about the sadness. I encourage you to find hobbies or something you'd like to do.

I left a hobby I loved and was passionate about because my abusive ex is there and all the people who betrayed and backstabbed me. I'm trying to find new things but I literally have no idea what to do. I still write and do artwork but I can't seem to connect with other artists and writers on social media platforms so I still feel like I have no community, no place for me to share my art and writing. FB intimidates me and makes me anxious. Instagram, people aren't interested in me because I'm not famous or high profile. I tried Deviant Art but have gone nowhere. I'm on Pinterest but I don't know if people see my posts or not. I'm trying Live Journal but all the communities and groups I'm interested in are dead and I can't seem to find people I can relate to. Social media is a very lonely world.

I'm doing photography. I'm doing artwork. I'm writing poetry and a novel. I go for long walks. I sing a lot, I love to sing. But I have no activities with other people and no way to connect with them. It's just hard. I have hobbies and I do things but I'm alone most of the time.

I was in grad school at one time but I became disabled and had to withdraw. I lose dream after dream due to illness. I did well in grad school, my GPA is a 3.9 but I wasn't able to continue. I'd love to finish but it's expensive and I'm so in debt with student loans I had to do a chapter 13 bankruptcy. The last thing I need is more student loan debt. I wish higher education wasn't so expensive. I wish I could say my life is great and fantastic, but to me, life is Hell and unbearable most of the time. Sometimes I get some good days though and I'm thankful for them.

A gratitude journal helps. You can look through it after a period of time and see that things did improve. And that gives you hope. Since you're connected to the Divine, you can focus on inspired action. Set your intention, and when an opportunity comes along, act on it. You just have to keep trying and hoping for the best.

Dear CinnamonSun,

I understand how you feel about your situation and having nobody there to support you. I think the best thing to do is to reach out to others in your area if possible. I'm not religious but churches can help if you want to meet people in your area. They offer meetings also. I was in a group of recent divorcees; this helped me to break my solitude and meet other people in the same situation as mine. You said you live in a rural area in NY. I think the churches are the best way then. They are free to attend and have other social activities. If this does not appeal to you, then you should look into volunteering. You can volunteer to help kids or tutor kids in your area. There must be some kind of billboard for volunteer activities in your area. If you don't feel like mingling, then don't. You like reading and writing as well. You can go to your local library and read books too for free. I think you can come up with something to do with your free time in your area. Best wishes!

I just came in here to say that things are getting better. I am a lot more open to change now. I've been working on myself, I realize change first comes from within. So that's what I've been doing. I wouldn't say my situation has changed at all. But I am feeling a lot more positive and happier. I now believe and see the potential that change can happen externally too. More than anything, I want different experiences. I've been connecting in other online communities than where I was. And I'm finding doing this is rewarding and makes me happy. I'm more social with strangers when I go out, friendlier. I mean, not overboard, but appropriately so. I'll wave, smile, do small talk at the register. It's an improvement. I'm just waking up and realizing my life could be very different. I don't know how to implement that right now, but I feel it can be different and that's a start.

I'm still trying to figure out my professional calling that would actually make me happy. I haven't found one yet. But in the meantime, I'm just vibing and being kind, helping people when I feel moved to. Learning and exploring. I have a new mentality of being my own soulmate and enjoy having a relationship with myself and loving myself in the ways no one else could or is willing to. And that is really rewarding too. I've been having beautiful, soul-moving experiences. I'm just a lot happier. My life isn't ideal but it's not terrible. And I am good with that at this moment.