Everything is going wrong.

I try to write a gratitude list every day. But lately, it's getting harder to think of things. So many things are going wrong. I've been sick and I've gained some weight. I'm lonely and despite all my efforts, I remain lonely. I have no one and I never will. I'm unlovable. I'm worthless. I tried to be creative and that didn't work. Nothing I've done is worth anything.

My family doesn't care about me. I just got rejected tonight. No one cares. It hurts. I don't want anything else to do with them. I will quit talking to all of them. It's pointless.

I've tried to meet new people and make new friends. It doesn't work. I must be hideous.

You have us!

I'm in a similar boat! I'm rejected by many. I make some friends, but they are all really distal. No one is close to me. There's no one to hang out for fun. They are (thankfully) there to help me with driving me to an appointment here and there, about twice a year, but that's the extent of my newfound relationships. There's no invites to safe walks outside or outside barbecues. I suppose my friends are still maintaining their own separate pods. I have no family who can help me. I have no family whom I'm close to. My mother prefers my able-bodied sister because they can take care of her, and they all reject me because they don't believe I'm disabled.

I find what I can online, but I know that's not the same as real live in-person meetings and friendships. There's something about in-person contact and seeing body languages that make a huge difference in feeling belonged. Still, online groups help in many ways, even when you have in-person friendships. Online groups allow you to be anonymous at times, and even more open to speaking about deep things that you normally wouldn't tell a non-close in-person friend or family member. Those who are privileged and fortunate to have *close* in-person family and *close* in-person friends (like best friends, bosom buddies, etc.), they can share their most deepest thoughts with and find comfort. But for many with mental disorders and certain physiological disorders (especially those physio disorders that keep us homebound or slow us down when walking with others), mainstream society "just doesn't have the time" to slow their lives down for us. I realize then that I am slower, am not as functional, and am not as healthy as mainstream society. But still, that's no reason for them to discriminate in terms of making meaningful friendships with us. But then again, it's like classism and those who are constantly able to achieve more and more money or power; they tend to stick with their class and then ignore any classes below them. Same mentality regarding ableism and whether or not someone can keep up the pace.

I've had a lot of time to think about my own invisible prison - the kind that keeps me caged inside my apartment, the kind that tells me that I don't belong with many groups, and the kind that keeps me uneducated, unemployed, and underappreciated as a societal member.

I've gotten depressed during the summertime, when most people are spending time with family and friends outdoors, and I cannot. I've gotten depressed during every holiday, when most people are spending time with family and friends indoors, and I cannot. I've gotten even more depressed during this pandemic, when most people are assuming that the disabled and the elderly and the obese should just die off and leave their able-bodied, ageist, skinny world to them who "deserve it." I've felt even more depressed at the growing number of hate crimes, violence, and political polarization, as that means even more discrimination, rejection, and segregation.

Belongingness is important, according to Maslow. If we don't feel belonged, we can't get many of our basic needs met because we are shunned, and because our health is deteriorating. There's no purpose in life, and no real actualization or transcendence. We become invisible. We get ignored. We are left to fend for ourselves and die, even to flock with those who are divergents or "factionless," as that Divergent series alluded to. We're not pure, but considered damaged and therefore not worthy of taking up privileged spaces that the privileged would deny as being "privileged," due to their privileged blind spots and lack of empathy.

Elitists, ableists, ageists, racists, xenophobics, nationalists, and more all reject people based on something. Such rejection hurts. Such discrimination hurts. Such betrayal traumas from our family and our ex-friends hurt!

We can find some sense of belonging online with others who struggle similarly, but then we are faced with similar factions online - those who are segregated based on their beliefs, religions, politics, cultures, nationalities, races, ages, and more. We also see how online serves as yet another invisibility stance, a place where we're in a pseudo prison of sorts, because we have this belief that if mainstream society cannot accept us, but only a faceless anonymous online forum can, then we don't deserve to be seen in person. We reinforce those ideas with some of the things we do here that we don't do in real life. We don't receive real hugs. We don't receive eye contact. We don't get the olfactory senses we get when someone has good-smelling soap, perfume, cologne, and/or hair products. We don't get human touch - the safe kind, that is, like hugs and handshakes. The pandemic has changed all this, too.

There are many ways to look at the depths of rejection, segregation, ableism, ageism, hate, discrimination, and more. There are many ways to see how all of these rejections harm people.

Neurodivergents and related disabled persons with mental disabilities have difficulty with belonging, so they are often dealing with its opposite - loneliness.

We can say that you're not alone in this struggle, which is true. We can say that you have us here, which is true. But when it all comes down to it, not everyone struggles the same. Some people are more alone than others, more rejected than others, more hated than others. I, for one, can understand feeling depressed and upset at the injustices with all these inequalities. But even if you remove that social-sciency language, we're left with feeling THIS depressed. I can relate to being super-rejected.

I'm sorry you struggle in that way, too.

Yeah, thats what i meant!

I agree with your answer, too!



I'm just wordy and weird.

Not at all! Im just old and tired but your posts help me make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

I've been alone for so long that I think that I type so much because I'm excited to actually have some human contact online for a change, LOL.

Thank you for saying that, unaluna.

I'm also getting old and tired (well, I'm in my late-40s, but I feel "old" and am very fatigued). There are times when I'll just "hug" or "like" without commenting. Those are the times when I'm really fatigued and am also at a loss for words or energy to type them.

Thank you so much for the support. I slept for a while this morning but I still hurt. I feel super rejected and worthless. My inner critic is beating me up. The uglier it gets, the better. Cause that means I will never put myself out there again. It's better that way. Then I don't get hurt.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Deilla. It sounds like you're way down in a very deep hole. Feeling rejected and unlovable is one of the most soul crushing things a person can experience. To feel lonely and think there's nothing you can do about it is torture. I get that way sometimes. It can make you wish you were never born.

On top of how bad you feel, there is the frustration that those closest to you don't understand. Maybe they really don't care. I can't say. But it sounds like no one is there for you.

Keep posting. Online support doesn't make up for what's missing in real life. But it might be better than nothing. That inner critic can be a demon. Try telling the demon to shut up. Demons are liars.

Thank you! I'm doing a bit better this afternoon. I've used DBT and I did some tapping on loneliness. I've also had a couple of naps. I need a distraction now. Maybe I will play a game or I might do a meditation.

Good for you, Deilla. You've done some self-care and managed to help yourself a bit. That's a lot to manage when you're so low. Sometimes there isn't anyone to care for us when we most need to be cared for. All we have is ourself. You did very good today being a friend to yourself. I hope you find some compassion from others that you fully deserve, just because you're human and you're hurting. People can be so dense at times and so slow to grasp that someone is struggling. If avoiding some people seems safer for you, then go ahead and do that. But don't accept other's negative judgements of you. What others think may say more about them than about you. Plenty of humans who were monsters managed to have lots of friends and popularity.

I gained weight recently, myself, and got discouraged about it. I find it hard to live up to standards I wish I could reach. Sometimes we have to cut ourselves some slack and give ourselves a break. ((((Hugs))))

Yes, it's their loss that they don't want a relationship with me. But I do have some people that care, and that's what is important. And I care about myself. I try to do good things for myself so I can feel better. I've taken all the meds I can take. Maybe I need a tweak. I don't know. But DBT is a real lifesaver and so is tapping.

Yes, it's important to show ourselves some compassion. (((Hugs))) to you.

I'm so glad you have some people who care. Don't waste your attention on the uncaring. Their day will come when life will bring trials to them. Maybe they'll learn to be more generous then.

I'm glad DBT is working out for you. That means you are putting effort into getting something out of it. You have a very positive attitude. I feel hopeful for you.

Hi Delia,

You are a kind soul with many attributes. I read your comments about others with a smile. You have a heart and compassion for those who suffer as well. I enjoy reading your posts supporting and encouraging others. You are not alone here. I am alone too with a dysfunctional family.

My mother yaps her yapper more than I can say one word or two, then she continues yapping more than listening. She enjoys yapping away and at times yaps for about an hour or two while I say about one or two words such as uh huh, ok, hmmm... She is nuttier than a nut bar, but she is my mom. My brother has no time to talk with me and when he does he acts like I'm wasting his time. My father is always giving the phone to my mom and, well, then she yaps away. I have to literally shout and interject my comments once in a while to tell her I'm tired of her yapping for now.

Loneliness caused me to seek abusive men. I finally got a handle on it now. I keep myself so busy that all I can do is think of work, sleep, and chores now. Being busy works wonders for me. However, honestly, sometimes I feel stressed out!!! I want to kick my life to the curb and say- No MORE!! But, I need to eat so I keep working and staying busy.

Thus, Delia, we are in the same situation of having a family that is not really supportive and suffering from loneliness. I try to make lemonade out of lemons. I tried to make friends with others, but at my age, nobody needs my friendship. I am better off alone and doing my things, I found out. I don't feel sad or bitter about it. I feel fine and am happy to have had the experiences I had to make me who I am today. Thus, please think about the good things in your life, cherish them, and focus on them. You have cats. I wish I did also but am too lazy to care for them. Cats are furry friends. I have really nobody here. No furry friends- nobody! Please take care, Delia!

Here's another thing I thought of: there's really 3 options for how to relate to family members who are unsupportive. #1 - keep trying to be close and receive what you need from them. #2 - cut off communication, or basically just don't bother much with them. #3 - maintain the relationships, but keep your guard up, and don't expect much.

That #3 is probably the most complicated to sustain. It gets used a lot because, often, we have a connection that we're not ready to sever, but we're sick of getting hurt from. I think this is often true with close family relationships - like with parents or siblings. I'm thinking of a sibling of mine who is not a bad person, but has had a knack for saying dismissive things to me when that was the last thing I needed. I stay in touch with her and we get along amiably. But I don't readily confide in her. Maintaining just the right distance from another person so you don't get sucker punched can be challenging.

There's a limit to how much hurt you can take from someone before you have to set up a defence strategy against that hurtfulness. You have every right to do that. I think it takes some experimentation to come up with the optimal plan. You don't have to make yourself available to people who invalidate you. That doesn't always mean you have to give up having anything to do with them. There might be a middle way that works. You don't owe explanation to those kind of people either.

Thank you so much! I really feel supported. I think I need to make lemonade out of the lemons in my life. I had a therapist that often told me to lower expectations. That way you could still have a relationship but you would be hurt less. I've also read articles where it's recommended that you expect nothing. If something good happens, then you are pleasantly surprised. I don't know what I will do about my family. My sister wants us to get together again soon. But I will be really careful. I will keep my distance from my nephew. I won't try to talk to him. He is the one that rejected me. I won't be in his life. He is obviously not interested in me. I have always tried to show interest in my nephews and nieces. But not this time.

Lowering expectations of how supportive your relatives will be toward you should be accompanied by lowering the effort you're going to put in to being there for them. Otherwise you end up feeling cheated.

If you're going to join your sister and her family for some social occasion, your obligation is to be courteous while in their midst. Courteous doesn't require pouring your heart and soul into bonding with anyone. It does mean not snubbing anyone by ostentatiously ignoring them. So you don't want to stiffly refuse to exchange a greeting with your nephew. If he says "Hi," you smile and say "Hi" back. You keep your demeanor pleasant, but you don't drop your guard. If he tries to talk to you, you listen with nothing more than a mild degree of interest, but you don't turn away. You certainly don't have to go out of your way to engage with him. Assume he has no interest in what you might have to talk about. Imagine he's like a stranger sitting next to you on an airplane - a stranger whom you find somewhat off putting.. You politely acknowlege his existance, but you stay within your own space, and you don't get drawn into his.

There's no need to let him know you've been hurt by him. That would be pointless, if he's demonstrated that he doesn't care. It might even give him a sense of being one up on you. Far better and more liberating to take the attitude that what he thinks of you is of utterly no significance to you one way or the other. Good luck.

We all are with you

My sister was nice today. She did a little get-together at my mom's and bought me coffee. I didn't go. I was too depressed and too stressed to deal with leaving my house. I have to leave m house on Thursday. I have an eye appointment. I don't want to go. I can't deal with leaving the house. But I will try to go Thursday.