High Functioning But Still Not Great

I understand how debilitating depression can be because I've been through some very severe episodes.

But. I am high functioning. I have a job now. I shower every day. I keep my room and space clean. I do housework and brush my teeth and floss. I eat meals. I exercise. I function well. I am very good about self-care and taking meds.

However, I am still not particularly happy. It feels like I'm stuck, stagnant and things never move forward. I practice gratitude and write a gratitude list, there is a lot I am thankful for. But I am still stuck. I sometimes wonder if this is all life will ever be. I can do all the practices and work and self work and go through the motions but feel little heart or soul in it. Isn't life supposed to be happy and fulfilling? I do my best to make changes but nothing works. I make big significant changes and think, maybe now! Things will get better. Nope. Nothing.

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm just existing, drifting, floating without a purpose or any meaning in my life. I try to find meaning. I really, really do. I try so hard. But I can't find anything that lights my soul on fire and makes me feel good about life. Maybe I don't know what I really want. I'll be honest, I don't. What would make me happy? No idea. What I think will make me happy doesn't make me happy. I do all the things they suggest to depressed people. I do what I love. I exercise. I meditate. I have a spirituality. I practice kindness, compassion and do good. I practice gratitude. I create! I read books. I do affirmations. I learn. I spend time in nature. So I don't know. I don't know. Why is it I still feel this way if I am doing all this work to not feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? I look and see how I am doing everything right and all the right things. Why doesn't it ever change?

Does anyone else have this experience?

I feel exactly the same. I feel like I do a good job cleaning, taking care of myself with exercising every single day, preparing good food correctly (I never eat out and no take-outs), try to be positive including thanking The Lord for good things He's done for me, and more good things to do for myself.

I should be the happiest man on earth because I'm healthy and have good amount of money to take care of me for a good while. But I can't seem to shake out of the doldrums. I feel guilty for feeling that way. I just recently retired unexpectedly from a job I had for 15 years. I felt bad for leaving that job but it had changed - becoming unbearable for me, when previously, I had loved that job. I don't miss going there now.

And recently I cancelled a trip at the eleventh hour when I had an anxiety attack and got thinking things through. I still feel bad that I did it. Now I have to try again to line up a place where I should move to that would cost less than where I live presently. I'm drawing a blank as to where I could move to. There are nice places I liked, but don't know anyone at these places.

So yes I am feeling stuck myself and I feel like I'm doing a great job at making that happen. So I don't know either.

I have felt this way but usually it seems to be because my antidepressant medication is not providing complete symptom relief.

In the past, a couple of things have moved me into the full symptom relief category: augmentation meds and med switches. For example, a med called Zoloft relieved many of my depression symptoms but left me in the situation you describe. A switch to Citalopram brought about full symptom relief.

Once I was on a med called Tofranil. It helped but not enough so my doctor prescribed an augmenting medication and that did the trick.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things but not getting full symptom relief. Sometimes a medication will put a floor under depression but will not completely resolve it. That is always a heartbreaking situation. I hope you find something that truly helps you!

@will19. I really get how you feel, so much. I left a hobby I used to love and did for a long time. I miss it too. I don't want to go back because it changed or I changed and it's no longer healthy for me. I don't have a replacement. I planned to work on a novel, my poetry book, and so on. But I have no motivation. I miss the social aspect of that hobby. I found communities on FB, but it's not the same and I can't do the same things that I was so. Eh. Something new should come up eventually. You might find a new hobby or something else that is very fulfilling. I wish I had more advice on that but I'm in the same position so I just try to think positively.

@Yaowen. I'm actually not on an anti-depressant. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it then possibly pursue one. Because I have bipolar disorder. I never really experience mania, but I get severely depressed frequently. I've also been through a lot of trauma so it might be because of that. But I feel an anti-depressant might still be helpful. Trauma does change your brain after all, so maybe the way my brain is now, I need an anti-depressant whereas before I didn't.

I was reflecting on this most of the day and I still don't have any insights or answers. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I was doing really well for about 10 days, I don't know what happened. I had a really bad day yesterday. Everything unraveled and fell apart. That's usually what happens whenever I start to do better. I hope one day I can get to a point where I just can stay better and balanced instead of falling back into the black hole.