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Old 12-25-2021, 01:23 AM   #1
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Trig 20 years of sorrow whatís the point??

Hello, a little bit about me first. I am a 30 year old female, I have multiple health concerns that I am on SSI disability for. I have a heart condition a neurological condition, arthritis in my ribs and lower back along with mild spinal stenosis. I also have severe chronic depression, suicidal ideation and two suicide attempts in the past, anxiety and low grade schizophrenia. I have a few other smaller things as well but those are the main ones I struggle with.

I was severely physically mentally and emotionally abused by my mother and stepfather starting around the age of eight years old up until I moved out when I was 17. That abuse and trauma really put a strain on my medical conditions and mental health.

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex and a friend I have known since high school offered for me to move in with her to help me get out of that situation, but I feel like I have just gotten into a much worse one. Such as she does not clean anything in the house at all and completely neglects The yard. Not only does she not clean anything in the house she also trashes it. The house is like those you see on horror TV it is full of trash boxes packages used pads use Q-tips I donít think thereís a single clean dish in the house the dishes all over the house including the bathroom she lets her cat urinate and defecate on everything and does not clean it up she will literally step in and drag it across the house and she sleeps with cat vomit in her bed.

I have tried my best to keep the house clean such as my room is spotless. we even had a mutual friend come over and help me clean the house while my roommate went and sat on her *** playing computer games and then went to sleep while we did all the work got the house spotless and even cleaned her car. This happened on multiple occasions. She will also yell at me about not keeping the house clean and tell others I do nothing but sit around on my *** all day while she has to work and pay all the bills. Which she does not I pay all of the utilities and gas.

On top of not cleaning she is also mean narcissistic and manipulative. She will say mean inappropriate things about peoples bodies or mistakes they make she will make you feel like being a burden because of my medical conditions she will do and say things and then she will completely lie and deny everything and say that Iím crazy she didnít do or say that. She has had possession of my food stamp card for over a year now and she will buy food for herself and for parties and stuff that she goes to. She will open mail that I receive often time not giving it to me and packages. If I accidentally leave my phone alone or a computer logged in or anything she will go through all of the messages emails and photos. When I go out with other people such as on dates she will throw tantrums yelling that I am neglecting her and Iím never home and we never have time to do anything together.

Anytime I try to defend myself against her she will bring up any and everything she has ever done for me in my life such as presents on birthdays or holidays can say that I should be grateful and thankful to her because without her I would be out on the streets homeless. She will then resort to saying things like maybe she should just kill her self and then I would be happy.

With my disabilities I am completely unable to drive and I only get $795 a month to live off of which isnít even enough to pay for rent and utilities. So now I feel like I have just been tricked into going from one bad situation to a drastically worse situation I feel stuck like I cannot get out I do not have the money to move to pay for first and last months rent for a deposit or to continue to pay rent but I cannot deal with her and my medical conditions anymore.

I have tried to seek out help on online crisis chats but they basically told me they canít help me because we arenít romantically involved. I feel though that it is domestic abuse because we do live together and even though we are not dating she treats me like we are a couple not in the good ways but the bad ways that you often see in other domestic abuse cases. Multiple mutual friends have seen the house and seeing all these behaviors and things that she does towards me and they told me it is also abuse of a disabled adult.

I just donít know what to do Iíve always been told that. Just hang in there things will get better in the future down along the road. But I think thatís just why there is no things getting better Iíve been waiting for 20 years now for things to get better. If Iím miserable all the time why should I continue to live thereís no point. I feel like if I just went ahead and killed myself it would literally end all of my problems.

Last edited by bluekoi; 12-25-2021 at 08:42 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Old 12-25-2021, 03:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: 20 years of sorrow whatís the point??

Hi @bluebelugastar
Welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

If you have insurance and can get a therapist or social worker, they might be able to advocate for you and help you navigate this difficult situation.

One thing I do is try to find simple things to be grateful for. Waking up in the morning, I am saying grateful things. I listen to a free app called HealthyMind and it helps me set an intention for the day. Mindfulness does not solve my problems, but it helps me change my relationship to them.

Things are quiet on a holiday weekend. Hope you get the support you are looking for. If you do reply, please include the tag @CANDC in your message so I get a reminder that you replied.

It is like you live on an island in a stormy sea. If you can keep your room as a safe refuge, you can start to find a way to cope I think. Try it and see.
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Old 12-25-2021, 04:54 PM   #3
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Welcome to MSF bluebelugastar. I'm sorry you find yourself in this most difficult situation. But I'm glad you've found your way here to MSF. Hope you find the forums to be of benefit.
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Old 12-25-2021, 06:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: 20 years of sorrow whatís the point??

I am sorry it is so difficult right now. I hope it gets better soon. Things can change. Please take care of yourself and keep working at it.
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