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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 04:42 PM
  #1
I'm having a really bad time with not wanting to do anything. I know we have to just push ourselves and make ourselves at times. I'm failing miserably at that right now.

This is depression. I'm having a tailspin. These episodes are part of my life and always will be. They eventually blow over. That's the good part.

But I feel so stuck, like I'm in quicksand, or got my leg caught in a trap. It seems to me that there is no getting unstuck. For a few days this has gone on, worse each morning.

The main way that I fight despair is to remind myself that I have felt this bad - and even worse - in the past . . . many times . . . and I always managed to recover.

I could use some encouragement. I live alone and mostly stay home because of my fear of COVID. Where I'm located COVID is worsening and expected to peak in 2 weeks. I tell myself to just stay real cautious, at least untill the surge begins to simmer down.

I haven't even finished putting away Xmas stuff. Yesterday I didn't wash a dish. I stay in pajamas.

For some reason, I feel better after the sun goes down.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 05:01 PM
  #2
I understand a lack of motivation. Things get done around my place when they're at a point that I HAVE to do them. Laundry stacks up until I've run out of clothes that don't smell too bad to go out.

I'm currently keeping myself busy with busy work. I have a media collection and miscellaneous computer files from over the years to organize. I'm probably over doing the organizing, but it makes the days go by faster.

Not sure I have advice, but I do understand.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 05:38 PM
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I understand a lack of motivation. Things get done around my place when they're at a point that I HAVE to do them. Laundry stacks up until I've run out of clothes that don't smell too bad to go out.

I'm currently keeping myself busy with busy work. I have a media collection and miscellaneous computer files from over the years to organize. I'm probably over doing the organizing, but it makes the days go by faster.

Not sure I have advice, but I do understand.
Thanks very much. It sounds like you do understand. Just that means a lot to me right now. I wouldn't even try to explain this state of mind to someone who basically keeps on top of things no matter what. It's good to be understood by someone who goes through something similar.

Good luck organizing your files and media. You'll feel good about what you get done.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 06:59 PM
  #4
I'm feeling like this myself. In a few months from now I have a major decision to make about whether to stay or leave at where I live now. My lease is up in June and I have to make a decision by May.

I hate to have to pack up and leave but I feel like I have to. Or I can stay on just a little bit longer. On the other hand, there's not much going on here to stay for. I need to line up another place that's affordable and I haven't had much motivation to have a target place in mind. I'd love to travel to someplace where I might want to move to. But I just don't feel like doing it. I know I have to do something and soon! Where I am now is killing me financially.

I think the pandemic has been a major cause for me and possibly others to be unmotivated. I also feel unmotivated to get out and meet people to possibly make much needed friends for me. It's like what's the use in thinking about doing it, because whatever there's a place for it, it probably would not happen anyways. I'm introverted and, in some ways, the pandemic seems like a good excuse to just not get out and do something about making friends. But yet I feel like I'm missing out.

So it's both finding a new place to move to and making friends.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 07:29 PM
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Thanks, Will 19, I do think COVID is part of the problem. Going around people is flat out dangerous. But lack of human interaction is bad for the mind.

Good luck with apartment hunting. Moving takes a lot of energy. I doubt I'll ever move again.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 07:56 PM
  #6
This has apathy has mushroomed into me feeling badly depressed. It is many months since I have felt this bad. I don't understand how I got feeling so bad like this.

I spent Christmas alone, but got through that just fine. This evening I've gotten weepy suddenly, which hasn't happened in ages. I feel like life has gotten very unsatisfying and probably will only get worse.

I lost my sig. other 20 months ago. That was hard, but I healed from the initial tough grief and was making good progress adapting to being alone. I don't know what has happened that I feel so bad now.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:22 PM
  #7
Totally weird suggestion but what if you switch night and day for awhile. If you feel better after sun down could you do your chores at night? Then sleep more like during the day. I don’t mean all day but who says you can’t do dishes at 3am and put Christmas stuff away at 4am and then sleep till 1pm or even later? It’s not healthy in a long run but just for now? See if it helps?
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 09:41 PM
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Totally weird suggestion but what if you switch night and day for awhile. If you feel better after sun down could you do your chores at night? Then sleep more like during the day. I don’t mean all day but who says you can’t do dishes at 3am and put Christmas stuff away at 4am and then sleep till 1pm or even later? It’s not healthy in a long run but just for now? See if it helps?
That's not a bad suggestion. Years ago I used to do that a lot. For about 10 years now, I've tried to keep to a "healthier" regimen. However, that's not working for me lately. Time to think outside the box. I appreciate your input.
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Default Jan 20, 2022 at 10:04 PM
  #9
The worst part of this is that when I vegetate and neglect everything, I start to lose self-respect. I can indulge myself for awhile . . . and I do. I have no trouble cutting myself some slack now and again. However this has gone on two weeks that I haven't put away holiday decorations.

My goal was to get that job done by Jan. 10th. So it's now about 10 days that I've been dragging this project out. I was doing at least a little each day. I told myself that even a little is something. I said anything is better than nothing. But today it was pure nothing.

I worry that this feeling will never go away. That's plain silly. I'm prone to episodes like this. They always blow over. But I worry I won't shake it this time. Even though I always think that . . . and it never proves true. I know how to do the dialectical thing. It just never helps me. This is why I don't do therapy anymore. I've already heard their theories.

Maybe tomorrow will seem better.
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 06:41 PM
  #10
Took Ativan at 7 a.m. this morning. It helped. I'm dressed. I'll eat and put away some more xmas stuff.

Something nice happened an hour ago. I heard from someone unexpectedly. Maybe this person will start to keep in touch.

I better try to eat and pick up.
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Default Jan 21, 2022 at 08:58 PM
  #11
I was cleaning the kitchen just now, but I got overcome by another crying spell. I took Ativan 2 mg just now because it helped me early this morninng. There nothing wrong with having a cry now and then. That's part of life. But I don't want to fall apart and become a mess unable to do anything. That's what happened yesterday. I want to calm down and tidy up my place. That will make me happy.

I do have some motivation to do things. I want to stay in that frame of mind. I miss my family. I 'm alone too much. I want to go be with people, but I'm holding off till the surge subsides.

I like solitude, but this has gone on too long.
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Default Jan 23, 2022 at 11:06 PM
  #12
Today is Sunday. I'm still in the doldrums. This sure isn't an interesting story, but I think I'll keep posting here, so I have a record I can look at. Maybe I'll learn something from it. I was never one for keeping journals, and I don't know how to set up blogs. So I'll trace how this goes in this thread.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm starting to feel I don't matter to anyone. I get calls from family and from a few friends. I matter as much as I deserve to. When my boyfriend was alive, I meant so much to him. And he mattered so much to me. I never had children, but he did. He didn't matter to them as much as he did to me. I hardly ever mattered to them at all. Since I've been alone, my sisters have have been very caring. We're far apart though, geographically.

20 months since he died, I've gotten over the fresh, raw grief. Often. now, I smile thinking of him. But I miss him being here. I was doing so well up to and past Christmas. For the past few days I'm not okay at all. I keep crying.
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Default Jan 24, 2022 at 03:37 AM
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The 7 Best Online Grief Support Groups of 2021

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Default Jan 24, 2022 at 06:11 PM
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I went to look at dogs at the Humane Society Shelter. I still have a lot of looking to do. Years ago I had a dog I loved very much. She died of cancer in 2006. Then my boyfriend had spinal surgery, so I was pretty busy with him. My bf died in 2020. I've been thinking about getting a dog ever since.

I just left the shelter. Got in my car and started sobbing. It's hard to manage a dog all by yourself. I remembered the years when my bf was in pretty good health. He and I took care of the dog together. We were a little family. We went to a very good doggy school. My bf would sit in the bleechers watching, while I would be down in the arena with our dog and all the other owners with dogs. Then we'ld go home and my bf and I would talk about how good our dog did at school.

It would be all different now.. I feel like I can't take on this rezponsibility without my bf tohelp me. I miss him so bad today . . . and what we had together.
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Default Jan 26, 2022 at 08:03 PM
  #15
I feel so bad. Been weeping.

No dishes done. Laundry piled high. All I ate today was cereal. Still in pajamas. Christmas stuff still strewn around living room floor. Has to be boxed up.

Went to Humane shelter yesterday to look at dogs.

Stayed in bed all day today.

I guess I'll go to the living room and watch TV.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 02:37 AM
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Trying to get to sleep. Still feel sad and depressed. Just took Ativan 2 mg.

I'ld been doing pretty well until around Jan. 19. I had a good run of feeling okay. I don't know how I got this bad. Just managed to brush my teeth.

The isolation is getting to me.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 03:29 AM
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It's about an hour since I took the Ativan, and now I'm crying. Still in bed. I wish I knew why I feel so sad. Maybe it's because my place is messy. Two hours would set the place right. It's just untidy. I can't seem to make myself do it.

I have to keep reminding myself that depressive episodes blow over. That's always been true for me. In between episodes I can feel quite good.

I just wish this would ease up.
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Default Jan 27, 2022 at 06:42 PM
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The past few days have been miserable. This morning I took an extra dose of amitriptyline.(50mg) It made me sleep a few hours. I think I'm starting to improve now. I'll take a bath next. Then start picking up around the house.

What I've gone through has been awful. I hope I'm coming out of it now.
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Default Jan 31, 2022 at 09:58 AM
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The worst part of this is that when I vegetate and neglect everything, I start to lose self-respect. I can indulge myself for awhile . . . and I do. I have no trouble cutting myself some slack now and again. However this has gone on two weeks that I haven't put away holiday decorations.

My goal was to get that job done by Jan. 10th. So it's now about 10 days that I've been dragging this project out. I was doing at least a little each day. I told myself that even a little is something. I said anything is better than nothing. But today it was pure nothing.
I relate. I am in the midst of a severe depressive episode and am also struggling to tidy my living environment. I think a lot of people have trouble managing their homes. I usually hang around on the psychotherapy board and we've had some good discussions on the "couch" thread about this. I've been doing a little better lately, though still far from where I want to be.

I understand feeling discouraged when what you manage to do doesn't align with your expectations. I talked to my psychiatrist recently about how whenever I told myself I'd do some task, a little voice in my mind immediately responds "No you won't. You know you won't. Stop pretending." She said I've lost trust in myself and that's so true!

Part of the problem is that even when I think I've broken down a task into small parts, it still feels completely overwhelming. I'm learning that I have to disregard what I think is a reasonable expectation and amount of work. I have to consciously make goals that are so limited in scope that it feels ridiculous. I don't make longer term goals at this time. I just take it day by day.

Maybe you could make a goal to put x number of the Christmas items away on a day by day basis. It sounds like the little you were doing everyday is too much right now. Go smaller.. Even if you just do one item per day, that is still forward progress. Each time I manage to achieve a goal, however small, I show myself it is possible and restore a bit more trust in myself. I'm not going to say I've had an easy time, but it's helped allowing myself to make goals that before I would have judged to be too trivial.

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Default Jan 31, 2022 at 02:02 PM
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I relate. I am in the midst of a severe depressive episode and am also struggling to tidy my living environment. I think a lot of people have trouble managing their homes. I usually hang around on the psychotherapy board and we've had some good discussions on the "couch" thread about this. I've been doing a little better lately, though still far from where I want to be.

I understand feeling discouraged when what you manage to do doesn't align with your expectations. I talked to my psychiatrist recently about how whenever I told myself I'd do some task, a little voice in my mind immediately responds "No you won't. You know you won't. Stop pretending." She said I've lost trust in myself and that's so true!

Part of the problem is that even when I think I've broken down a task into small parts, it still feels completely overwhelming. I'm learning that I have to disregard what I think is a reasonable expectation and amount of work. I have to consciously make goals that are so limited in scope that it feels ridiculous. I don't make longer term goals at this time. I just take it day by day.

Maybe you could make a goal to put x number of the Christmas items away on a day by day basis. It sounds like the little you were doing everyday is too much right now. Go smaller.. Even if you just do one item per day, that is still forward progress. Each time I manage to achieve a goal, however small, I show myself it is possible and restore a bit more trust in myself. I'm not going to say I've had an easy time, but it's helped allowing myself to make goals that before I would have judged to be too trivial.
Thanks, Susannah, you truly do get it. I'm sorry you're going through this also. It means a lot to hear from someone who seems like you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Right now, I can't even face anything. But I will try your suggestion. Before this episode, I would tell myself to do at least one thing everyday. It would be like cleaning a room or going out to run one errand or just shower and shampoo. Now those things seem too big. So I think maybe I can try thinking on an even smaller scale - like a micro goal.

The worst thing used to be that I would lose respect for myself for doing nothing. At least that motivated me. This morning I feel like I don't care. Nothing stays the same, though, even one's state of mind.

Part of my problem is I'm demoralized by how long COVID is lasting. I'm so afraid of it. I watched the man I loved die of lung disease in 2020. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm terrified of suffering.

I would really like to get a haircut, but I'm afraid to go to my salon. I am afraid to go to the laundomat, which I normally don't mind doing. Getting out of the house for those kind of errands always worked like an antidepressant for me. Lots of things I could be doing in the house, but I'm so down from being in this place for days without leaving. Now I'm getting choked up thinking how caged up I feel. I tell myself to go for a walk, but that's too lonely. I want to interact with another human.

I can't stay isolated like this. I have to tolerate taking some risk of exposure.

Right now I'm going back to bed, which is wrong. I will keep thinking of whst you said. I will re-read your post later. Thank you for encouraging me.
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